Childhood trauma response - a fetish I'm battling with today. My journey.

I have been on this forum for over a year and it has been quite a journey. Summer 21 hit me like a train. This was the time where I realized that my brain was actually messed up and realized that at the age of (then) 23, that I never had a girlfriend and never had any interest in a relationship, but still was craving a romantic relationship somehow which is hard to explain.

To my fetish: Everyone that has seen my posts probably already knows, but for those who don't, here it is: I have a fetish for overweight people sitting on smaller people. Yep, I know I know, but don't stop reading this post here.

It all started in kindergarden when I saw my obese kindergarden teacher sit on a kid that was acting up. And ever since then that had become my only sexuality. I was trying to get girls in my kindergarden group to sit on me, fantasized about animals like hippos and elefants sitting on me as I was reading through childrens educational books etc.

fast forward to middle school and high school, I tried to get my fat male friends to sit on me whenever possible. I'd let myself get pinned intentionally, laid on the ground hoping one of them would eventually sit on me and stuff like that. During that time I was HEAVYLY hooked on fetish pornography and was consuming BBW/SSBW content for years, which eventually escalated into fat men sitting on other dudes fetish porn and was also watching wrestling videos of someone bigger wrestling a smaller opponent, etc. I really did it all. Was reading through online fetish stories, joined gay sites just to chat about my fetish, swapped images, anything. It was like a demon took over me. I never got off to normal stuff, it was all about me being squashed by either a big woman or a big man.

For some reason, I also found myself "noticing" overweight guys on the streets, and was trying everything to be around them to not miss the opportunity to get sat on by them. This went started at around middle school I still find myself doing that when Im deeply hooked on porn. Like anywhere I go when I see a overweight dude I catch myself staring, but im not checking them out in a sexual way its just me looking at them and thinking "wow I wish he sat on me" and stuff.

Now, some of you might say "well youre probably gay and in denial". Yeah I thought about that but I cannot identify witht that label. It causes a lot of anxiety and goes against my core values. In the end all I want is a wife and kids.

Now back to the kindergarden story. Remember when I said I saw my fat kindergarden teacher sit on a kid. I did a lot of self integrationn today and went deep in my mind to find out why I am the way I am and what explains my fetishistic thoughts. And one question I always asked myself was why the heck do I "notice" those overweight guys?? I'm glad I might've found the answer:

The fat kindergarden teacher had a round "fat" face, she had an innocent look on her face and had little to no facial hairs (obviously), but Im talking about eyebrows. She had a lot of visible fat on her upper extremities and especially on her legs and her behind. She was kinda tall and obviously a large woman. For my little child brain she looked like a giant. I am sorry if this sounds triggering, but basically what I am trying to say is that I came to the realization that everytime I catch myself staring at a big guy, he posseses the SAME body features as my kindergarden teacher from kindergarden!! Tall and big, innocent look, little to no facial hairs, etc.. Its not like im staring at every guy that is big, no. But everytime someone posseses those bodily features, I find myself staring at them and never could explain this behaviour. I always thought its weird but didnt think much of it. Now I know. I think that my mind has stored the image of my fat kindergarden teacher sitting on the kid deep deep in my mind, and every time someone that I see looks like her and resembles her in any way, my brain goes into fetish mode basically. Yup, this might be it. And it makes a lot of sense to me. It really does. Finally I can explain my behaviour..

And now to the question: well, why just men? It has always been easier to fulfill my fetishistic/paraphilic needs with boys. There werent many girls in my life to begin with. In middle school I was basically just a kid and not thinking of any girls. But i have alwas been more "mature" than others even back then, and around that time I my porn addiction started. Thats also the time period where I first started to try to get my bigger friends to pin me down and sit on me basically. And in high school I went to an all boys tech school and there were no girls in my class at all. So that means 6 years from the age of 13/14 to the age of 19/20 no girls, just men. Was surrounded by bigger dudes, which started to trigger fetishistic behaviours because my mind realized that it can get the same dopamine hit from from men. I am pretty sure that this has contributed a lot to the growth of this fetish + being fueled by porn, its literally an invitation to escalate in "sexual" tastes.

I have done lots of research. And realized that my fetish urges and fantasies are called repetitive compulsion, where basically my mind tries to recreates what happened in kindergarden to come to terms with it and to finally process it, but it never can and that results in me acting out on my fetish. So there is an unresolved trauma stored in my brain that needs to be treated. Feels like my inner child is hurt, that also explains why I carry so much shame and guilt when in reality none of this was my fault at all.
Its still not easy and it still feels like Im not going to be able to have a wife and kids, but I will not give up, I will achieve my goals!

To summarize my unstructed and long post:
-) My brain is actively looking for people that resemble the woman that sat on the kid in kindergarden. And as soon as anyone looks like her or has similar bodily features, the scene gets activated and that causes an unwanted arousal, where my brain goes in full fetish mode and is preparing for the event and thinks that it might happen. (Fight/Flight & repetitive compulsion).
-) Being surrounded by men all the time contributed a lot to the growth and escalation of this fetish.
-) I still do crave romantic relationhips with normal women. I think I crushed on a girl for years, which I only realized later on.
-) Classic porn addiction, desensitization and escalation. Looking for more extreme and brutal content.. yes I've also been there.
-) Together with the "use it or lose it" law, understanding how brain pathways form and fixate + knowing and understanding the source of this fetish could help me eliminate it slowly or weaken it to the point where I can have normal and fulfilling sex with women!

Sorry for the ridicilously unorganized and long post. My english also is not that good. Please let me know what your thoughts are. I think im on the right path to recovery and healing.

 

I used to use BetterHelp if that counts as therapy. Other than that I have been to therapy so many times due to other issues and was always told to accept it or to embrace it. Accepting and embracing it might would create a big lie that would give me comfort, especially if theres a chance of he living my dream life.