Cheated on Accountability - Fessing-up

Background: I accidentally hacked my APs admin account, and was going in there and turning off the settings - using porn - then going back and restoring everything. I have been doing this for a few months now. However at the encouragment of this site, I know i need to stop this, and fess up. Some have suggested I voluntarily ask my AP to add strict filters controls to my account (ie accept child account) as a kind of punishment so I dont do it again. I can see this is a good idea, but I dont want it to be too harsh. What do you think is reasonable?

 

Also does anyone think a week or two would be sufficient? I was told categorically "no"...but just asking.

 

Thank you both. Its interesting that when my AP called me about this (I did email him), he didnt really care about the porn...he was most upset with exactly as Katrina wrote - "the dishonesty and lack of respect". I hadnt really thought about it this way, until he mentioned it, and then seeing it again here. At the time, it just seemed "Taking a sneak peak, just this once"..but I can see it was alot more than that. He said each of the 10-12 times I broke in, was an opportunity to come clean, but also every day for the 4months I had access (whether I used it or not, isnt the point) in between too, I was really lying and being childish.

 

Thanks Ghost,

All great points. To be clear I probably used the wrong word. Consequences is more accurate.

 

Thanks, I see a theme emerging here.

 

So I have actually been getting quiet a few pms, asking how this ended up. Well my AP got back from his trip finally and so we had a long chat (actually make that short chat) about it. It didn't go at all as I expected. He said, the "work was for me to do, and not for him running around "playing cat and mouse games" with me. If I didn't want his help, "that for me to decide". So, he turned off the AP reporting, returned the Admin rights to me, all filters turned off.

At first, I was little relieved, but quickly my state changed to real shame and guilt, and real sense of loneliness. My AP was someone I have known most of my life, and had a ton of respect and admiration for. Having them basically say they dont trust me, is gut wrenching. I can still call him of course, and we are still friends (he is coming over for dinner on the weekend), but I still feel our relationship is now different.

I have decided I really want to get him back as my AP, and earn his trust again, and quit porn for good. I cant lose him. I feel like he just thinks I am a loser who isnt worth the effort. I want to show him, I am understand and am better now, but dont ever know where to start.

 

Thanks Ghost.

I just feel lost - I go from being mad at him, to being mad at myself, to thinking this wasnt really my fault (Its not like I am a master hacker or anything, I literally just guessed his password in like 2 trys), to feeling lonely, to feeling guilt, then despair - and then the cycle repeats. The lonely feeling is the worst. I want to talk to him, but just dont know what to say.

 

I get I am responsible here, but I just cant over thinking if the password was stronger this wouldnt have happened. But, I understand where he is coming from, I just want this behind me.