Changes in my Brain

Before anything, a bit of background story. I discovered porn as a kid, my father had dirty magazines and pornographic videos stacked away around the house and I would sneak and watch with my older cousin, who by the way made me have sex with her at a really early age. She taught me things and made me see things differently, from there on out my mind was slowly, but surely becoming more perverted over time.

I think it got worse because of the internet era, back in VHS days it was hard to get a hold of porn, my father would hide them away often and I would go months without finding any pornographic material, except that on cable tv, on showtime, late at night some movies had sexual material in them, and I would look for porn whenever I could find it, even Jerry Springer show was sort of porn for me, or music videos like Jlo and other artists who displayed sexual behaviors.

The internet broke away all boundaries, and at first with slow connection I had no choice but to get lots of pictures and short 10 to 30 second videos. Faster internet came over time and it allowed me to watch even longer videos. My orgasms were fast but began over time to delay, until I developed a serious case of delayed ejaculation.

Fast forward to now, it's been 8 days, and here is how my brain reacted to nofap

Day 1

I was surprised that in the past I had gone a day with no problem, but the difference was that there was no porn either, and this was the first time in almost a couple of decades I go a day without porn, even when the internet connection failed I had backup porn in my computer, but here I was, denying myself the pleasure to at least watch something, I felt a bit anxious, but I sleep it off.

Day 2

More aroused, and I found myself clicking the search bar X to visit my porn websites, but then I saw my internet history had been deleted prior to starting nofap, I even closed every porn website account I had. I started looking at pictures on facebook of females friends that I have, and my mind was picturing them naked, this made me even more aroused and I felt like I just wanted this to end. My mind was whispering "Do it just this once and start over, it's only day two, cmon!" I didn't give in, but it was really hard.

Day 3

I couldn't believe it, a morning erection, I haven't had these in a long time, I used to masturbate 3 to 4 times a day, and of course before sleep, and in the morning I used to wake up without an erection, so this was a surprise. I noticed a pattern, the times of the day I used to masturbate my brain sent me a signal of "It's fapping time" but I ignored it, but by ignoring it the signal intensified. This kept happening for the rest of the day, like a broken alarm clock that couldn't be stopped.

Day 4

My eyes shake at the sight of a super model in a tv commercial in underwear. I got an instant erection and I began to sweat. I felt anxious and a bit sick to my stomach, I was getting physically ill for not indulging in my addiction, this is where I knew I was an addict. It's not the same thing to think you're an addict than to experience a withdrawal for the first time, this was a wake up call.

Day 5

More withdrawals, all day long, so I had to practice breathing, meditating, listening to music, exercise, I became more active and started doing stuff. I clean the house, I clean my car and I went to work and did more work than I was supposed to, I even wanted to stay at work because I knew that the moment I step back into my house I was going to get my withdrawal, and I did, it was really hard to sleep that night.

Day 6

My withdrawals are not as severe, they are subtle, they come and go, like a car trying to start, half a start, it doesn't start, and it was like that all day, just moments where I get small withdrawal bursts, but they go away, it was manageable, tolerable, I felt like I was beginning to regain control over my body and my life.

Day 7

One tiny withdrawal symptom here and there but, so small I barely notice it. But they were only triggered by waves of thoughts that come my way, where a fantasy setting starts with me, having sex with someone, these thoughts are so vivid that when I realize it I have a really dumb look on my face and I shake it off with a small slap to the face. This happened a few times but, it wasn't like I was getting sick to my stomach anymore. The habit of clicking x on the search bar is completely gone, and I deleted any reserve porn I had on my computer, anything hidden away, any picture of a woman even in underwear, it didn't matter, I couldn't have it there anymore.

Day 8

No withdrawal symptoms all day even as I write this now. A mild fantasizing moment where I lost myself momentarily, but I shook it off and kept walking. I found an album of pictures of my ex girlfriends, and the only reason I kept their pictures was this past mental state that said "Maybe someday I can bang them again". I said to myself "This isn't me anymore, all these relationships were bad, they were only based on sex, on my addiction, if I want to move forward, I have to let go of the past" so I did, this is the last thing I had to delete from my computer, and now I officially have nothing linking me to the past, to my lesser version. Moving forward is the only thing that matters to me now, the past is long gone, this is the new me. I have found peace.

 

Isnt forcing into sex at young age called sexual abuse?

 

In a way but, she wasn't that much older than me, just about 3 years, I was around 7 and she was 10. We were both kids and she was just repeating what she had discovered in her father's porn collection. She took my innocence away but I don't hate her for it, I just know that's where the sickness in my addiction began.

 

Ohk m8!

 

i know what u mean. I will never look at a p-sub again. your doing great keep going strong.

 

Day 9

Two days in a row with no withdrawal, still some erotic thoughts here and there but they pass momentarily, didn't occupy my mind for more than a few seconds at a time, and didn't happened very often during the day. I came across a video about meditation, I will share the links...






Holy lord does this work, I meditated today for the first time in five minutes, and I felt so amazing afterwards. I'm not going to say there won't be any challenges ahead but, I feel confident I've gone through the worst. Feeling very optimistic.