Celibacy as a tool for confidence

I'm almost 22 and have never gotten laid. I was one of those late bloomer kids who didn't develop as fast as the others. Think matthew lewis / neville longbottom. As a result i got rejected by a lot of girls on grounds of being too young looking. But the older I get I'm thinking of using the self loathing, hatred, and other aggressive feelings that this has generated to my advantage.

Think about it. If I don't fap ever, have no sex, don't watch porn, etc., basically a lot of that energy is going to become built up inside and me and I am going to have no choice but to become confident and get rid of a lot of petty shit that has been bouncing around in my late adolescence for far too long. I can already feel it happening. In a way I want to become a scary, frightening looking man or one who is the image of raw hardened masculinity, as a backlash and as revenge for years of being tormented as being a weaker, less masculine guy.

Thoughts?

 

PMO destructiveness is definitely the first thing I rid myself of. I did a 168 day streak before and during that time i had not been that confident ever in my life. Sadly i got discouraged and blew the streak, but I am on the wagon again and have no intention of stopping.

I also have no intention of becoming a hardened man in the sense that I am insensitive. I am deeply sensitive and always will be, it's just that I believe that i also need to be very strong in order to complement this sensitivity. A man who is believable and might seem to be hardened and callous on the outside, but who really has a massive heart and can treat a woman with sensitivity and love and respect. That is what I wish to strive for.

 

But I also think men who source their confidence from things like muscle, physical strength, etc have already started to lose the internal confidence. There is a quote attributed to Gandhi somewhere along these lines. It has to be purely spiritual, that's the reason I meditate and do yoga instead of lifting iron. PMO damaged the confidence which should have been there from the beginning but I am putting in effort now to heal.

 

In the long run yes the advantage is on my side,but it does suck for now. I will admit that part of the reason the jerking off habit has stuck around so long for me is out of hopelessness, I figured that since I looked 15 I wouldn't get laid anyway. I'd tell a girl I liked her, she'd tell me she liked me as a friend, and I'd go to bed that night and jerk off because fuck it, what's the point.

One of the biggest relevant things that has depressed me lately I watched in collegehumor video. It talked about "second puberty" or basically the phase in which men fully resemble men, including beards and whatnot. But what it said is that by that time men's sexual peak is over and they are already starting to decline. Basically your sexual peak is earlier in life than women's, when your chances of getting laid are at an all time low. It makes me very hopeless if that is true.

I'm just starting yet another streak now though, and I want to live up to my username which is a one of the highest forms of spiritual paths. In my 168 day streak I did things like meditation and fasting and they really helped with the sexual desire and with getting my head together.

I watched the video in your sig btw and it made me rethink a lot of things. I too want to start seeking fulfillment instead of pleasure and it really affects a lot of choices that you make, from what you spend your time doing to what you eat to how you interact with others.

 

That's the reason I don't work out and try to get some "ideal" body. I just settle for skinny as hell, reason being if I am trying to make my body ideal and dedicating so much time to it, I am really masturbating my ego. I know a 20 year old guy who is always working out because he says girls he sleeps with appreciate his body. But it's ego masturbation. He may be sleeping with girls instead of jerking off but still he needs to satisfy the ego urge. If my greatest appeal is something any other guy can get with a gym membership, I'm missing the boat I think.

No offense to those who work out though. I believe in exercise for health, not trying to reach an ideal like a bodybuilder. That's why I run, good for the heart.

 

I will say that there's a slow confidence that's working its way into myself gradually over time, regardless of how long it has been since I fapped although fapping is definitely not something I wish to continue doing. If one, as a guy, can suffer through adolescence, puberty, and all of that bullshit, there is a certain confidence that is gained by the end of it. Also being independent and supporting myself (which is a rarity at my age, for some young people) does wonders for my confidence. Strictly speaking, I provide for myself, here I am a man.

 

And maybe vigorous, mindless and frustrated masturbation for awhile was a necessary part of it, something that I had to go though for awhile and to the point that I came to a realization. But the conclusion that I'm coming to is that I'm old enough to at least take myself more seriously, stop feeling sorry for myself and thinking like a boy.