Cant Take It

Hi. Im chris, and this is the second time ive had to write this post due to a technological error so, please forgive me if i seem irritated or brief. I am a diagnosed bipolar scitz and have been in and out of the mental hospital since 2009 or 2010. I am a pothead and an occassional alcohol and tobacco user. I lost my virginity at the age of 23 to a then 19 year old girl in a mental hospital. I am constantly visited by depressing, stressful and/or suicidal thoughts and porn has always been a release for me until i start theorizing that it is keeping me from a more effective form of happiness and contentment. I have often felt as if pot, porn and prayer will be my greatest comforts in life though my ambitions, as i have been lead to believe, require sobriety, companionship and action. I dont know what to believe since my parents, who swear that "Jesus is the way" are twice divorced and my dad, though a pastor, has a child out of wedlock to some woman he met after divorcing my mom. Sometimes im able to say fuck life and finally resolve within myself that this life shouldnt matter. Other times i am quite obsessed with life due to my sudden bursts of inspiration to enjoy pleasures that are accessible to myself at the times of inspiration. Marijuana/alcohol, orgasms and finding enlightenment have acquired a great amount if not most of my time since i was able to access them for myself. I started masturbating very young since even before i could even get an erection and i have been tripping off my orgasm reflex since before i could even ejaculate. I smoked my first bit of marijuana at the age of 15/16 and have been chasing enlightenment by meditation, prayer and reflection since i first went to college at 18. I recently read two contradicting articles concerning masturbation and lowered libido and have ways heard that porn is detrimental to psycbological health. I am also struggling with God as i now question exactly how involved with human life he/it really is since there is still unhappiness, death, disease, murder, theft and discomfort. I have been in a very dark place for a few years now and am wondering if porn is contributing to my relief or my demise or even both. I cant guarantee that you can convict me but i wish that i could finally be motivated to make that million dollars or even more, being that tis capitalist society which i call my home has been shoving materials and economy over morality in my face with unrelented success. Since i was allowed to explore technogy for myself i have seen the rich prosper on the weaknesses and/or addictions of others and the weaknesses/addictions themselve have been made mainstream in order to ensure and protect that success. Wtf am i supposed to do!!!