Can't stop wanting things

Sheeeew this is tough! And warning...probabky triggering and kind of well...gay.

Sorry I've been posting so much. Just writing it all down has been helping me through these first few days.

I don't know if I'm bi, gay...or what. I've been with both in the past but I'm married now. I quit in the past for a long time, but relapsed. I haven't felt attraction towards my wife since last year, and then only briefly. I want to quit my chatting addiction by this summer, because my daughter is getting ready to come into this world. I have to say, that is motivating me tremendously. And I had something that really scared me into line in a chat room.

I have been repulsed by the idea of chatting in my usual haunts. I don't want to. The incident I experienced really took the idea of it clear out of my brain....but the problem is other thoughts are moving in. The thought of being gay or bi...the thought of cheating on my wife. The justifications...the reasoning and even small plans forming. They've been so hard to stop and have been flooding in all freaking day. I know most of the feelings are tied up in my addiction....I know I need to stick with this and push them aside. But I also worry that a third of the reason why I seem to be quitting and rekindled my working-out and getting fit is to make myself more attractive for partners who aren't my wife. The thought is terrifying me, but at the same time isn't. At the same time its what I want. I'll beat this stuff back, but wow has it been making me go crazy all day.

If you read this, thanks....I guess. I'm mostly posting right now just to slow my thoughts down into writing and keep myself on track here.