Can't stand the lies and fake smiles

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Londonc01, Nov 19, 2018.

  1. Londonc01

    Londonc01 Fapstronaut

    30
    31
    18
    The worst part about dating a PA is the lies.. I hate it. Everytime he's struggling or I log in and sees that he searched for some girl in a skimpy outfit or thing while I am at work, i
    I text him if he's doing ok and he riddles his texts with smiles and hearts saying "thanks for being supportive babe". I'm having such a great easy night. And then he goes and runs and deletes his history in hopes that I haven't seen it.

    You are lying. You're faking. Just stop.

    I'd rather someone tell me they are having a hard night than to talk to me like I'm stupid.

    Sorry. Clearly I'm angry right now.
     
    LEPAGE, kropo82, Trappist and 3 others like this.
  2. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    May I ask why you’re choosing to date someone who is lying to your face and being unfaithful to you? I wish I was just dating my PA. I would have left immediately. Why trap yourself in that?
     
    Vixen and EyesWideOpen like this.
  3. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    2,220
    2,877
    143
    I'm with @DesperateHousewife7, why are you dating him? Here is a bigger question, why are you still forging ahead with a wedding in March? That, IMHO, should the be the first thing to go on the chopping block. That's where it gets real. The money you've spent? Ask anybody in here. It is considerably inconsequential to what you will lose if you marry him. I absolutely would not remotely consider marrying him given the current state of circumstances. He'd have to be clean for a minimum of a year before I'd give it any consideration at all, three preferrably.
     
    Vixen likes this.
  4. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    I 100% agree with ghost. Whatever reasons you think you’ve made up for going through with marrying this person who ALREADY gives you no respect, honesty, or faithfulness- kill those reasons. I promise you none of those will matter and you’ll be left with nothing but regret and “God why didn’t I fucking leave him when it was just dating?!” Believe me! I unfortunately did not know my PA was a PA until 6.5 years into the marriage, all I knew is that my husband of 6.5 years wasn’t interested in sex with me for some reason. If I had found this out before we were married, or even in year 1 before the kids came along, it would be an easy break. Bye! Never think about it again, and find a man who respects you.
     
    Vixen and anewhope like this.
  5. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

    113
    208
    43
    If you know he’s lying now you have a remarkable opportunity to change course. Your future self will thank you. Things only get more challenging after you’re married. If I wasn’t married with children, I would have left my husband after learning of his dabbling in cybersex affairs during our relationship— while he neglected me.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  6. Atomicflea

    Atomicflea Fapstronaut

    14
    18
    3
    My husband told me of his PA out of his own volition while we were still dating. I had no clue he was addicted. The sex was reduced but he was still intimate in other ways. I told him that I wouldn’t marry him if he didn’t get his PA sorted. He told me he had it under control, wasn’t watching porn even though intimacy and sex never improved and I stupidly believed him. I mean he was honest with me DDay 1, right? Fast forward 3 years later, married and with a 6 month old baby. DDay 2 and 3 happened when my son was 2 months old. My husband lied to me continuously out of shame as he tried to ‘whiteknuckle’ it rather than get the help and support from me, therapists and noFap. So now we are in a pickle. No trust. Self esteem gone And the added stress of caring for a baby as first time parents. I would have left if I wasn’t tied down with a baby but I have since created a hard boundary that if he lies again. I’m done. So take this opportunity to really make sure he’s the man you want to marry. There is no shame in putting the wedding off another year to see if he really wants to recover and salvage your relationship. We are all here for you and also him if he chooses to get help. Xx
     
  7. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    I’m sorry that happened to you:(

    OP has a wonderful opportunity to change the course of her life dramatically here and I hope she does. I wouldn’t wish being married to a PA on my worst enemy. I can’t change my situation but if I could convince ONE woman to run far, far away from this situation before she marries into it, I’d be happy. Being with an addict of any kind will be a lifelong sentence.
     
  8. Better Than This

    Better Than This Fapstronaut

    Thank you for this post. I am a married male, who lies more than he should about a great many things. Most are harmless.... and thats the way I always felt about PMO: I am not hurting anyone, but I am slowly understanding that the lies (even little ones) add up and take a toll. I will be stopping by and reading this from time to time. Thanks for putting my lying in perspective.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  9. Londonc01

    Londonc01 Fapstronaut

    30
    31
    18
    His lies were due to the fact that he didn't want to hurt me. This time however, he says he wasn't hiding anything. He searched a girl on YouTube, saw she had on provacative clothing, and just deleted the history and closed it out without looking at any videos. He says that he didn't watch anything ...was just curious to see if she had a YouTube channel and deleted it because he didn't want me to think he is watching again. He's gone about a month without watching P.. a few months without MO. I work nights but have finally found a day position in my field that I start in January. Now my biggest thing is praying that I don't find him leaving the bed at night to watch. That would be my breaking point. He says that the nights I am off, he doesn't struggle at all. I guess we will see...
     
  10. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    2,220
    2,877
    143
    No, his lies were due to the fact he wanted to protect himself. Let's not kid anybody, the least of all ourselves.
    Ya know what? That's bullshit and here's why. If he hadn't watched anything, he would have NO reason to delete his history. Ask anyone in recovery. They'll tell you the same thing. Please tell me you aren't buying into this lie. Let's just start with "Why were you searching for this girl on YouTube in the first place?"
    Are you sure?
    Yeah, I guess we will see!
     
    Katrina Rose and Atomicflea like this.
  11. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    159
    349
    63
    Here's a tip.
    You can see deleted chrome and YouTube history under account settings for the users google account. If he's using YouTube he's connected to a google account. Using the device he used to watch this video, go to google.com/accounts. Scroll down to my activity and bam. Everything he's looked at, even if he's erased it. The only thing it won't show is incognito. But that doesn't apply to YouTube. My thoughts? He's 100% full of shit. He watched, and I'm betting it was more than just one.
     
    cakeinacrisis likes this.
  12. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    I agree with the two above. Mine once told me he logged into an old reddit account (that didn’t have NSFW settings turned on) “just to see if he could”... 3 times. He actually scrolled through porn and then logged back off.
     
  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    2,220
    2,877
    143
    That only works as long as you have logged onto your Google Account with your Chrome Browser and you didn't go Incognito. If you are logged out of your Google Account, none of that information will show up in there. Can't speak of YouTube, but as long as you are not logged into your YouTube Account, I am quite certain that the same rule applies. Like 99.9% certain. But @Katrina Rose, you're right. He's 100% full of shit!
     
  14. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    Yeah I have NEVER in seven years ever caught my husband looking at porn. Never found a trace of porn. Because of trusty old incognito.
     
  15. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    159
    349
    63
    I installed ever accountable on my SOs phone while he was sleeping the first time. Because I knew he was full of shit. That caught all the incognito crap right out of the gate. I felt guilty and deleted it. Then a week later it was either he install it himself or lose me. It's saved us honestly.
     
  16. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    159
    349
    63
    Android users typically HAVE to be logged in to their google account to use their phone. At least all the ones I've activated have been that way at setup. There is a way to view incognito history, but it's a pain in the ass and takes a bit to learn.
    A lot easier if they'd just be honest if you ask me. I'm more pissed having to prove a lie than hearing the truth.
    I am very thankful we have crossed that bridge and he's realized defeat. Because I AM THE FBI, CIA.... he knows I'll catch him every time. With betrayal comes wisdom.
     
    kaia likes this.
  17. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    Does that work on iPhones? Does he not see it installed on his phone? Does it report activity to you or what?
     
  18. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,438
    2,909
    143
    I had to secretly install software on all my husband's devices in the beginning, as well. On everything. It was the only way to get any proof to confront him with. It was heartbreaking and devastating to have to see what he was doing online, but it was the only way to get his attention at that point and the beginning of saving our marriage. He will tell you the same thing.
     
    kaia likes this.
  19. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    159
    349
    63
    Yes it works on iphone. Once installed you can also install an app hider, i used a fake calculator, which hides the app. Then in the app settings you click hide all notifications. It will email you in real time everything he's looking at. I know it's wrong but it was the only way I could get footing to confront him.
     
    kaia likes this.
  20. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    2,220
    2,877
    143
    LMAO @ "...wrong..." "Wrong" was when he cheated on you. "Wrong" was when he betrayed you. He threw out the rules. I don't think he is in much of a position to cry foul about the damned rules. Just remember, none of you would be compelled, let alone interested, in covertly doing what amounts to baby sitting your man-child of a Partner! If this is what you need to do to feel safe, do it. What? Is he going to see this as an act of betrayal in the relationship? Yeah, whatever! That would make him a fool!
     
    Katrina Rose likes this.

Share This Page