Hi all, I am new on this forum. This is sort of my confession, I never shared this with anyone. Let's start with the basics: I have a great life. I love my girlfriend with which I make amazing travelings, we just bought a house together, I have a good job which I love, I do a lot of sports, have a good self-esteem and I have the idea that I am in control of most things in my life. In short: I really like my life. But...... there is one thing in my life where I lost control over since I was 15/16 years old (I am now 29). In my teens I was never successful with girls, in hindsight I think this was the sparkle that led me to start develop a deviation in my sex(masturbation)life. Something that is still developing right now. When I was in my teens, just watching porn started to bore me quite fast. And with every year (or so) I added something to make my masturbation more interesting. A few of these things are: - downloading lots of porn, keeping a collection - making pictures of girls in public - stealing and buying girls underwear/clothing - using (anal) sextoys - masturbating outside - dressing up as a girl The only thing I never did is pay a girl to have sex. Something I have almost always done are, what I call, my 'porn-nights'. Some years this was almost weekly, other years it was maybe once a month. I would take a whole night for myself to dress up in girls-clothing, wear anal toys, bound myself and watch a lot of porn. I would get so horny that I would lose control and do things that I would normally never do. Miraculously, till today I never got caught with anything, but I just don't want to count the number of hours that I spend on doing these things the last 14 years or so. The fact that I live together with my girlfriend for some 4 years makes my porn-nights more difficult, which is actually good for me, because I spend less time on it right now. But still I found some ways to express my sexual urges. Most recently I went away for a weekend to a city nearby, just so I could have my 'porn-night' there in some hotel. I made it even a 'porn-day', and had a (non-sexual) massage, went to a sauna and drove around in girls-clothing with sextoys at night. All just to seek (sexual) excitement. Now here comes the thing that I am struggling with right now. I definitely acknowledge that I have a strong deviation in my sex(masturbation)life that over the years cost me a lot of time and money. But..... the good life I still have next to it does not make me see it as a problem (95% per cent of the time). The only times I feel shame and guilt are the moments directly after an orgasm, but this feeling leaves quite fast (minutes). I am actually enjoying the 'porn-moments' I still have and like it that I have something secret that nobody knows about, and I love planning forward, and looking back, at it. I can even 'rationalize' my sexual behavior. I really believe that everybody has something weird and 'unrational' in their lives, that these kind of urges are justified because of the very structured life I have next to it, that I am not hurting anyone with it, that people that are putting a lot of pressure on themselves in their work, sports, etc. need some place to leave all of it behind sometimes. For some people this is alcohol, partying, eating, drugs, etc. For me it is my 'porn-nights'. Ok, this is the point where I am right now. You might think: so if this guy is so happy with his life, why did he come to this forum? Well, exactly for the reason that I am so convinced of this story, I am really afraid that the problem is bigger than I think. That I am missing things I don't see. That I have constructed this whole story to justify my addiction. I am really curious to what you guys think. Does anyone have similar experiences? How should I find out if this deviation I have is really a problem, and if I should do something about it. Kind regards, M.
Crossdressing is a fetish that many share. Obviously, if you want to stop that, start with cutting out porn, better if porn and masturbation.
Hi M. Apart from the taking pictures of girls in public and masturbation outside (both could get you in trouble with the law if caught) I think you are healthy. As long as your escapades don't start to get in the way of your normal life you seem to have a good balance in place. I also seem to act out when I am out of town - hotel room to myself and access to as much porn as I can stay awake to enjoy. Working on it.
Every bad deed is a disservice against one's self. You have identified that it's not normal, and it certainly is not. I'm not one to judge, but, imagine if your girlfriend did the same, by changing into men's clothing, and booking a hotel specifically for that, would you accept her rationality? There's certainly a problem in sexual orienttaion seeing as you're straight. Imagine having a life with her, having kids. Would you want your kids having those pornnights. Justifying this while hidden is exactly the same like those countless stories out there where a husband who watches porn is caught red handed, which ends up in a divorce or at least months or years of therapy. Judging from what you wrote, your girlfriend doesn't know, would you want her to find out? Don't you think about a life with her. Often times the most blinded are the wrongdoers, they commit wrong without guilt. I'm not saying you're a bad guy, you're certainly acknowledging it to an extent, but wake up. Rule of thumb to determine the 'goodness' of something, would you be comfortable telling your mother. As comfortable as telling her you sleep with a favourite blanket, you like pink shirts or whatever. Are you comfortable with this? You judge. Sorry it's so long, I'm not so good in summary writings. This is just my take, I apologise if i offended you or anything, you can't point out whatever false assumptions or mistakes I have made freely.
Abstain from porn for 90 days. As a rule this length of time recalibrates your brain to “factory” setting so to speak. A reboot!
No. This is not something that many share. It's paraphilia and it's part of the serious ones. Just because it's being "normalized" by the geniuses in the US does not mean it's normal or healthy. Dressing as a woman is not normal or healthy. It is a problem, in fact there are multiple problems bunched up and connected but the very encouraging thing is that you had the self awareness to reflect on them and tell yourself " I am really afraid that the problem is bigger than I think. That I am missing things I don't see. That I have constructed this whole story to justify my addiction. " That means you are open for change and these things can and should be addressed. By a psychologist. Just make sure it's not a "new age" psychologist that considers paraphilias normal or healthy.
Exactly! Dressing up as a girl isn’t normal. All these fetishes have been brought “mainstream” by easily accessed porn. High speed high definition internet porn isn’t normal
