But I love porn

Well if you still love porn your screwed. You won't be successful at getting rid of something you love. You'll be doomed to watch it again. You must first develop a hate for it. Then the STRUGGLE to get rid of it can begin. How can you develop a hate for it? Research what it is actually doing to your brain and life. Only then you will hate it
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series

 

Hang around here for a while and you'll notice that people in recovery often experience profound changes to their sexuality. I think it's possible for you to have a totally satisfying relationship with your wife without wanting to

Spoiler: Dirty

ejaculate on her face or breasts

or treat her like a sex toy. Do you love your wife? Then attend to HER needs and sexual desires and things will get better. Good luck.

 

Lol love. How do you love porn? Porn is an object. Does it love you back? I think the word you are looking for is NEED. You need porn. Take it from there.

 

I understand what you mean when you say that you love porn. Addicts form relationships with the objects they are addicted to. When addicts stop using the object of their addiction they experience separation anxiety and stress that is akin to getting a divorce. The relationship we form with porn supersedes all other relationships in our life and our wives come in a distant second place. We nurture and cultivate our addiction to porn. We learn to rely upon it for emotional comfort and solace even though it is empty and hollow. We LOVE the way it makes us feel. There is nothing that can equal it, but it is slowly killing your humanity n the process.

While it's true that at some point we have to learn to hate it, maybe you can start with thinking about how much you hate the consequences that come from watching porn. Addicts develop 'euphoric recall' which means they only remember the good times they had with their addiction and forget all the negative consequences. Make a list of all the negative consequences that come from your addiction. List all the things you can still lose if you don't change. Imagine a better version of yourself. Think about how TRULY happy you will be once you break free. Come to grips with the fact that you might be scared and afraid to deal with life without your addiction. You know deep down inside that porn cannot bring you true happiness. The lifestyle portrayed in porn is fantasy, and watching porn puts you in that fantasy world where there is no pain and there is only pleasure. You cannot bring that fantasy into the real world. That TRUTH will make you miserable, which will make you escalate further because you will irrationally try to keep seeking it instead of giving it up.

Some people need a rock-bottom moment to solidify in one moment just how destructive our addiction truly is. Why wait until the 11th hour to change. Your addiction will continue to escalate if you don't change, and it WILL affect your relationship with your wife, and EVENTUALLY you will get the ultimatum from her: it's me or the porn. Save yourself the grief. Get you life back now. Don't wait for it all to fall apart.

 

Recovery is going to be about fighting a million small battles like this one in order to win the war. Remember that the first few weeks are the hardest. Stay out of auto-pilot mode. Check in with us when you feel your will-power fading. Physically remove yourself from the situation if you have to.

 

Hi Jtoe, it's okay to feel the need to pursue these fantasies that porn promotes. The thing is, porn warps your sexuality. You will find much deeper pleasure, meaning, and fulfillment in sex when you untangle your mental preferences from porn and connect with your wife. I know right now it seems like the images in porn are the ultimate thing, the best form of pleasure there is, but they are just a shadow of the real thing, and train you to be unaware of what is right in front of you right now.

Anyways, my point is I understand your frustration at having your porn fantasies go unfulfilled and it's okay to have these urges, but sex after your brain has been rewired will be so much better than any porn fantasy. Really.

Make sure you quit P, M, and O for a while to get the full benefits. Maybe over time, you won't even want to O with your wife anymore (but you will still have sex) because you will realize that doing so actually depletes the experience with her, and takes from the quality of the rest of your life. Orgasms drain your energy, mental clarity, everything...

 

@Jtoe Once you acknowledged you have a problem with an addiction, whether it's porn, drugs, booze, etc. you can never turn back. You may continue with your behavior, but the reality of what you admitted is right there. Porn is bullshit fantasy. These people are not actors, models, or providing something with "socially redeeming value", they are performers, like a trained seal at a circus; throw them a fish (money) and they perform, sometimes with people they have never met until they walk onto the set. Many put on a big show on social media about how exciting and cool their lives are, in fact they have no lives at all. They are shunned and mocked by general society, have no real friends except the other slugs in the "biz", battle drugs, booze and depression, and most are dead from suicide, or overdoses, by the time they're 27-28 years old. And you want your wife to copy this lifestyle. Stay here and learn something.

 

Don't. Think about how hurtful/disgusting that feels from her perspective, if you can.

I've been into kink for a long time. Kink is really just the brain's trying to find ways to connect with reality when you've been desensitized to it for so long. Not saying all of it is necessarily bad, but when it involves using others in a way that detracts from their quality of life...yes, it's bad.

 

@Jtoe I'm smiling right now. It sounds like my "porn crush". She wanted all the attention and bling of being a porn star, but didn't want to do the real work. Now because of booze, drugs, and a really big mouth no one in the biz wants her, so she hangs around on Twitter hustling Snapchats, and working as an "escort" (hooker) in Vegas. Boo Hoo!!! A medical issue stopped my PMO, but didn't stop my obsession with an obviously troubled and very immature person. I'm guessing I've probably been married longer than you've been alive and even with all that life experience I still became a sucker.....go figure. After I read that really good article in TIME and found NoFap I found a way to rid myself of this asinine behavior and grow up. I felt the same kind of relief that I felt when I walked through the doors and into AA 35 years ago. There's nothing wrong with a little fantasy, until you become a slave to it. If you want help it's HERE.

 

Orgasms drain your energy. Having an orgasm during sex is less draining than doing it on your own, because there is some exchange of energy from your partner, but it is still more draining than if you don't orgasm at all.

But really, orgasm is a HUGE release of energy. Taoism talks about this, and lots of martial artists know not to have orgasms if they want their chi to be as strong as possible.

The book Cupid's Poisoned Arrow explains how having orgasms with a partner actually drains your relationship in the long run, because you begin to associate your partner with the low after the dopamine surge of orgasm, and you learn to subconsciously resent them.

 

@Sleeping_Beauty that's some heavy stuff.

 

@Sleeping_Beauty So having an orgasm with a partner is better than having an orgasm by your own (I presume "M") Yet in the long run, I'll come to resent my partner "because you begin to associate your partner with the low after the dopamine surge of orgasm, and you learn to subconsciously resent them." I will share with you that the orgasms I had with PMO were forgotten within minutes after they ended, as were orgasms I had with a prostitute or some casual contact I had met in bar or other venue. Orgasms I shared with my wife were never ordinary or invoked any feelings of resentment. As you age, and your body changes many things you took for granted sexually change as well. Many older men resort to porn as a way to try and revive the sexual feelings they had as a younger man. They are fair game for the "perfs" on social media, I speak from experience. NoFap helped me find a place to express those feelings of frustration and some anger (mostly at myself) without judgement. Maybe sometimes we may spend too much time overthinking an issue than just finding peace in its resolution.