Broken-hearted and hanging by a thread :(

Hi. I am the partner of a PMO addict and recovering drug addict. I wasn't aware of his addictions when I met him and only found out after almost a year into our relationship. I feel undesired and deeply unloved by him often. I'm alwayslonging for a deeper connection with him, but no matter how great of a girlfriend I am I can never seem to achieve that.Since discovering his addictions and him opening up to meabout his struggles I have tried everything in my power to help him abstain; to help him overcome these demons in his mind, but to no avail. I feel hopeless....defeated. I am no stranger to addiction but yet with all my lifeexperience/personal struggles/ and knowledge, I'm still finding it so hard to understand why??I'm left hurting so badly every time I found out and it throws me back 10 steps from my own healing!! I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor of 13 years and a survivor of physical abuse and sexual assault; his porn addiction affects me sodeeply because my whole life I felt only loved for my body and here I am with a man that Ilove with all my heart and soul and he'll barely blink an eye at me standing in front of him naked....I long for him to desire me the way he desires otherwomen....I long for him to initiate sex and to touch me like I'm the most amazing girl to him. I try so hard to be sexy and beautiful for him but it'snever enough. I know he loves me so much...he tells me allthe time...he trys to show me in other ways. Clearly he feelshorrible for the way he is; I just want him to have true peace. I know his heart is in the right place....I wish so badly that I could help him but his addiction to porn is so strong and he's struggling to break the habit. We've been together almost 3 years now. Hes stuck in his own personal hell and we are falling a part. I have held on this long even after knowing the truth and how many times he has been unfaithful to me. I love him and I want to fight for our love. I feel for him and i pray for complete freedom from his chains. I know he can beat it I just don't know how much longer I can hold on....I'm breaking here....i have nothing left to give....I have honestly been such a loving andsupportive partner but I don't know how much longer I can take of feeling like a stranger to the love of my life....I miss the real him

 

I understand your feelings Chazzy and indeed, it is so hard to watch our loved ones be "slaves" to something that only hurts them in the end. Why are you so afraid that you can't hold on? Perhaps you shouldn't hold on? You are certainly under NO obligation to stay in a situation like that. Focus on YOU, how you feel, your personal life, finding healthy alternatives to focus on that revolve around YOU and your well-being. I find GREAT strength in prayer, it is not necessarily for everyone, but having a higher power/faith that you can "give it up" to is very important. Helps you to find peace and let go of the things you can't control. Funny things happen when you do this, sometimes it is a very powerful example and can inspire the addict to get things straight. One thing is for sure, by focusing on you and giving it up to a higher power, you will establish a healthy enough mindset where you can feel comfortable in whatever your decision is [/QUOTE]
Thank you so much....beautifully said....this is my current journey, giving it to the Lord. I needed to hear that. It scares me to let go of control; I don't want to get hurt again...I've been hurt so deeply in my life...but I know my own healing needs to be more important right now; his addiction has almost destroyed my perception of my self and I worked so hard to build it up through my life. I love him so much and I will fight for him but I didn't come all this way in my life to die.

 

Thank you for understanding....that means so much to me...you have no idea; I've been so lonely and felt so isolated before I came on here...like nobody truly understands my pain. I want to have a voice. He try's to comfort me but then it turns to anger because he's mad at himself for what he's doing to me...to us. He loves me so much and wants to quit but I see the struggle...I feel for him but I need to feel for me too. I just last week got him to go on NoFap; he's using it every day and he says he really likes it. I have hope but some days I'm hurting real bad....some days I can't fricken get out of bed!! I think I've hurt myself so much because I basically became his accountability partner and life coach and that will destroy a relationship. I got too close to the problem and I wish he had went on NoFap a long time ago. I punish myself with wanting to know what he's done as if to punish myself by proving "oh see! He doesn't love you because your ugly and stupid!"....I have to try so hard now to not ask and to not care what he's doing and just do me and see where the cookie crumbles. I have to regain all the pieces of my soul I have lost. How could I let someone have that much control over me?? I've come so far! I've been hearing this for a long time now about taking care of myself but I've been too scared because as a result of my abuse I became the kind of person who takes care of everyone else and not myself....I'm always last; and I'm getting really sick of being least important in my home. I my own worst enemy. Your guys words are giving me strength to fight back and I believe the words are heaven sent...I know God would want more for me than this. I'm going to journal and work on loving me like you said or else leave if there is no change. I still have hope. I truly believe in him. Through God all things are possible. Thank you again for your compassion and understanding....❤

 

Your words are beautiful....you get it...thank you. I never used to care about P until I became the partner of an addict; I had no idea the damage it was doing to love, to relationships, to ones self. I hate porn now. It has filled me with a jealousy and bitterness I have never known in my life...it's like a dark seed is growing inside of me. I went from so loving and happy to closed off and mistrusting; i am so ashamed to be naked. I hate the way I am now! I want to be free from my chains! It affects me so much deeper as a sexual abuse survivor....it's like my worst belief about myself is coming true; but it's not, the devil is lying to me through his addiction. My partner tells me that and he try's to reassure me that it has nothing to do with me but my mind and soul have been broken for so much of my life that it is so so difficult to believe him....I am trying to separate myself from his addiction and hear the truth! We both try to live in the faith and love of God so that helps but I want to see real change; he has changed in so many ways and I'm thankful for that but I can't live in fear every day that every time I turn my back, I pass out sick on the couch, I'm sleeping in bed, I'm at work, or just washing my hair, that he's looking at other women and getting off and not being intimate with me emotionally or sexually...it's ripping me to shreds and I'm left paralyzed with fear and self-doubt. Is there hope? Will he stop? I'm scared....I don't want to leave him; I love him so much. I am going to take what you guys have said and my counsellors and all my friends and work on loving me and just hope the best for him. It's time. I believe in him but I need to differentiate from his addiction and my healing journey. I'm gonna start fighting for me and my daughters harder! Thank you for your support ❤❤❤

 

It is so sad that it has come to this...that porn kills love but yet it is so widely accepted...it's so messed up. I am so sorry to hear this about your marriage. I think the only thing that keeps me hanging on is my ability to forgive through Jesus Christ and my belief in him that he is so much more; he shows me in other ways that he loves me but it's not enough to sustain a relationship for a lifetime. I know he's been through some things that are trying to destroy him but I can't keep letting it destroy me; I have my own chains to break. I crave freedom from this shit!! You are so right about having to focus on you and love yourself. You deserve every bit of it! I think we've held ourselves back for way too long in life. You do you girl! I'm gonna work on that too! ❤

 

This is so true...thank you for sharing with me your wisdom. I need to keep reading your guys post over and over to get it through my head; to gain courage to stand up and begin to love myself more. Thank you so much...❤❤❤

 

Thank you so much...this post was so unexpected...I woke up to this and it gave me comfort...I need that. I am doing a much better job at trying to put myself first this last couple weeks, but of course this is harder some days than others. I've spent my whole life taking care of others and pushing my story back because it was my only way to feel truly loved; I know this has to stop to some degree. I'm really learning to appreciate the pain I've been through in my life because it's given me such compassion for others and their stories, but unfortunately I grew up knowing absolutely no boundaries and this has caused a great deal of unnecessary heartache. I am learning boundaries. I am learning a sense of self. I am learning to love me for me. His addiction has actually pushed me to fight harder; it's making me so sick of my own shit. I want to be truly free and happy but I keep sabotaging myself. Thank you for saying that I am beautiful, valuable, and worthy...what powerful words...I am so moved; I have forgotten these things...they are drowned in his addiction and my codependency.

Your explanation of his addiction helps me to understand better that there is nothing to compete with but yes, like you said, my past gets muddled in there and makes it extremely hard to see the truth. Not only does my old trauma keep telling me that I'm a loser but when we have gotten into arguments in the past about his using he has said some very cruel things to me that have been burned in my mind; after we fight and he calms down he says he didn't mean anything he said, he doesn't want me to leave, he loves me so much...he says he just gets defensive because he knows he's wrong and he's pissed off at himself; plus his mother has talked like that to him his whole life so he's learned a behaviour....a lot of pent up anger. It's so painful to hear those things and they're tearing my heart and mind to pieces....I don't ask him about it now; I don't want to know....well a part of me does want to know if he's using for fear of loss of control...I don't want to get hurt again, but I can't ask anymore and I can't get in fights with him anymore....I don't want to live like this! I have fought tooth and nail to survive all the monsters of men that have entered into my life and here I sit being eaten alive after all I've accomplished??

You are right about his drug use and I have brought this up to him. Him and I have been battling not only a PMO addiction but a deep seeded drug addiction as well. I told him to be patient with himself and get the help he needs because he has damaged his brain so much since the age of 13; everything from addiction to video games, PMO, cocaine, etc....most recently meth. He has been drug free since September 2016 and I'm super proud of him but I worry all the time about a relapse. I have absolutely no trust in this relationship. I'm always waiting for another bomb to drop. His addiction began with video games, then to P, and then he found drugs; he started to use more and more just to increase his P use....so the drugs and P work together. He can perform sexually but he has a hard time finishing; he just doesn't really touch me during our sessions. Sometimes it's amazing and he's so connected but that's not often....just this last week he had his first real case of PIED with me....so we both realize that the drugs and P have really screwed with him! Here he has a beautiful woman right in front of him and he doesn't know what to do... His confidence is so low in the gutter and it breaks my heart....This demon we are fighting is huge and it's been hanging over his head his whole life....I can't help but feel for him because of what I've been through. I know what it's like to struggle like that and I also know what it takes to overcome; I'm still overcoming! It's a day to day battle, sometimes moment to moment, but so worth the fight!! He has joined the forum but he is also praying and reading the Word, he's talking about his issues openly with me and learning to with others, started taking cold showers every day. He's on day 14 I think and I'm proud of him but I try not to focus on that this time, just focusing on loving me and my daughters....I feel a lot less anxiety! More free! Little by little right. Everyone on here has been so awesome! I'm grateful for the support. I don't feel alone anymore. I am saddened to see how many people are struggling with this issue....we need to take our power back!! I have gained a wider perspective after reading the men's messages...hearing their struggles...their pain and victories; and to hear from these beautiful women who completely understand where I'm coming from....its just great man!! I love it!! Thank you again for your insight; it is welcomed and appreciated.
"Just For Today!"
God bless!! ❤✌️

 

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