"Breaking the Cycle: My Journey Through 12 Years of Porn Addiction and the Fight for Recovery"

Background of My Addiction

I am a 21-year-old who has been struggling with porn addiction since I was 9 years old. In the past, I've had a few successful streaks of 70-80 days of abstinence, likely due to the motivation I had from being in a loving relationship. I wanted to be a better partner, which boosted my willpower significantly. Despite the power of love and sheer will, they weren't enough to keep my addiction at bay. My addiction eroded our trust, made me moody and insecure, and destroyed my drive—not just in the relationship but in all areas of my life. Eventually, the relationship ended, and I was left to confront my addiction alone.

Current Struggle and Routine

Years later, I'm still battling with this addiction. Typically, my cycle involves a lapse after about two weeks of abstinence, then I start over. After the lapse thoughts, about suicide start to take over my mind, but I know how hard I have battled and that I am doing better, now that I am not using more than 5 hours a day! The first few days after a lapse are the hardest; I feel terrible about myself, struggle to make eye contact, and feel insecure around women. I'm plagued by the fear that my PIED (porn-induced erectile dysfunction) will ruin any potential sexual encounters and that the mental side effects of my addiction will destroy any chance of building trust and attraction. While I want to socialize, withdrawal symptoms often make me unpleasant to be around. However, about a week and a half into abstinence, things start to look up as I come out of the initial flatline. The ability to enjoy the small things in life, even momentarily, feels like a significant victory.

Insights and Lessons Learned( at least what I can remember now)

Here's what I've learned so far:
Use of Blockers: Blockers are very useful, especially when set up correctly, to help manage access during vulnerable times.
Understanding the Root Causes: It's crucial to understand the real issues behind the addiction, as porn is often a self-destructive coping mechanism.
Managing Triggers: It's important to study the addiction thoroughly—identify both emotional triggers and real-life cues. Avoiding them is not enough; replacing physical triggers and learning to accept and process my emotions is crucial.
Self-Compassion: I've also learned not to hate myself or my addiction. It began as the only coping mechanism I knew as a child. Though it was a misguided approach, overcoming this addiction is part of becoming a more disciplined, loving, and exciting human being.
Lifestyle Changes: Simply quitting porn isn't enough; I need to actively work towards a better lifestyle. Engaging in healthy activities like meditation, exercise, and socializing are vital. If all I do is stay at home without friends, lovers, goals, or hobbies, the misery will linger.

Moving Forward

Today, on day 19 of my current streak, I'm facing significant challenges but also making crucial changes. I've modified my routine, cut out most of my triggers, and learning to accept my negative emotions. I understand that this is often when I relapse, so vigilance is key. Despite starting today feeling depressed, insecure, and angry, maintaining my routine and managing my emotions are helping. Journaling has also become an invaluable tool for understanding my feelings.

I hope sharing this helps someone else!

I'm grateful for everyone's support and insights as I continue this journey. If anyone has tips on how to stay on track, I would greatly appreciate it.