BREAKING POINT-I AM FADING AWAY FROM THIS CRUEL LIFE....

Some people say life is what you make it. True. But don't be fooled there are many people who get absolutely so much to deal with it it makes their lives unbareable.

I was born, bottle fed, to a very loving mother who suffered from postnatal depression. My dad was okay, he had a lousy father, there wasn't an overabundance of love.

At 2 years old, i developed a severe eye problem "crossed eyes", people looked at me strange, freak i was called, i got the problem sorted and had to wear an eye patch.

i was never good at sports and would enjoy dressing up in girls clothes, this was to the ridicule and shame of my father, brother and peers who completely demasculated me and created in me a shame about who i was "pansay", "poof" "gay" bla bla bla.

At 8-9 i was a timid, nervous child who found it hard to relate to male peers. I always felt unloved, ugly, unaccepted, rejected, left out and alone. A year or two later i was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome and then all relatives, peers, my local community treated me as that "boy who has that thing wrong with him"

i felt like jesus, cruicified alone and abandoned by everyone. the thing is i didnt find out i had autism til i was like 13.

the diagnosis was crushing to me, it made me feel like an outsider, a freak. i hated being considered a disabled person. the stress of this diagnosis led my eye problem to return, my eye drifted out. i went to school every day and was shoved, pushed, unable to make friends, ridiculed called all sorts of names which feel like a knife to my heart.

i got into porn, normal porn, then gay porn then got addicted to all forms of porn and became a true addict. recently i started engaging in casual gay sex.

i am now, 24, with no true friends, no real hobbies, my only achievement was my degree in literature which ironically i achieved during 2010-2013 a time in which i watched no porn. i do not know what i want to do with my life, i have been fired from so many jobs, people turn their face away from me in the street, i have health problems, family ignore me and are embarassed about me.

i don't see a point in going on.


i am not asking for sympathy.

i know why i am here

i want to reclaim my true identity

as a heterosexual, emotionally grounded and lover of jesus.

i know i am not gay

my desire for homosexual pornography is a result of me needing to block out other emotions and my failure to relate to other men.

i just wish life wasnt so damned hard.

currently on day 18 no pmo or any sex at all.

but its hard and i feel like i am fading, please pray for me.

i am a good person with a bad story.

 

Jesus loves you as you are and wants you to be happy. Life is not cruel: everything may be difficult, but life will always give you some unexpected pleasures and moments of great joy.
You do not have to worry too much about what others may think of you or how they judge you, or you will never have the courage to do anything. Just throw away your loser image, or the others will consider you a loser, which you are not.
In the next job you'll find, try your best and show everybody you like it and you strongly believe in what you're doing.