Boundaries

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by NeedingAnswers99, Nov 9, 2018.

  1. NeedingAnswers99

    NeedingAnswers99 Fapstronaut

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    Hello all,

    What kind of sexual boundaries, If any, did you set with your partner in the beginning, after they told you.

    I'm having difficulties with this. Theres nights were I want to have sex, but I'm still so disgusted by the idea that he's been looking at porn so much that i just cant climax during sex.

    Has anyone else had these issues?
     
  2. @Kenzi created an entire boundaries and consequences thread, and so did @GhostWriter I am sure they can provide the links (it might be in Kenzi's signature??)

    And yes, in the beginning I had sex to "keep" him, to prove I was just "as good" as porn and did things I feel repulsed by to this day. I had sex way too quickly and regret it. It would have been better to wait until the emotions dyed down, but it happens, it's called hysterical bonding.
     
  3. NeedingAnswers99

    NeedingAnswers99 Fapstronaut

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    I feel like that's exactly what I did and am doing. I feel the need to have sex with him to "prove" I'm just as good as the porn, and that he doesnt need it. But it's making me hate myself.
     
  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I'm not certain what you mean specifically by "...sexual boundaries..." They are just general boundaries for your own protection to feel safe and secure in your environment. I just want to make certain you aren't thinking of something else that I am not.

    As for Boundaries, start here:

    BOUNDARIES & CONSEQUENCES

    UPDATED: 2018.10.1

    SOME SIMPLE RULES

    1. Apply the KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) principle to your Boundaries & Consequences. They need to be short, concise, and to the point.

    2. Be specific and don’t be ridiculous in your expectations. If your Partner has a history of Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Lying, or any other acts of betrayal, these are all contributors to the addiction. They WILL NOT simply just go away because you created and enforced a set of Boundaries & Consequences. There is a very high probability that your Partner WILL slip up as their addiction has more control over them than they do their addiction. As such, you can anticipate some level of Boundary crossing to occur. Be prepared for that in your Consequences.

    3. Make it a formalized process and discuss and disclose your Boundaries and Consequences so that your Partner has an opportunity to follow them.

    BOUNDARIES

    Keep your Boundaries at a half dozen or so. You don’t want to overwhelm your Partner any more than they already are or is absolutely necessary because they are already overwhelmed. Your Partner can make some too, but no more than a dozen total and preferably somewhat equal between you.

    Boundaries should always be Objective. That is, they must always be defined in such a way that there is absolutely, positively, no way to misinterpret the Boundary or the spirit of the meaning of it. Any subjectivity allows the abuser to create their own interpretation as an excuse to circumvent the Boundary.

    When it comes to your Boundaries, you are the judge, jury, and executioner. They are not subject to interpretation, determination or negotiation, nor are you unless you so choose otherwise.

    This is a sample list of Boundaries (These would be my top picks)

    1. No Lying. Don’t make me have to explain to you what a lie is. (This is #1 for a reason)
    2. No PMO, or any combination thereof.
    3. No Gaslighting.
    4. No Secrets that have any potential influence or impact on me.
    5. No Infidelity. Don’t make me have to explain to you what infidelity is.
    6. No Apathy meaning don’t ignore your role in your recovery and don’t make me have to explain to you what that is. (I find this to be one of the single most important ones, yet no one seems to list it as one)

    Additionally, other people have used these:

    · No using Partner to Masturbate
    · No Pornography Substitutes (P-Subs)
    · No edging
    · No erotic texting or Sexting, or electronic correspondence of a sexual nature
    · No CD/DVD/VHS or any other media containing pornographic images or videos
    · No objectification or ogling other women
    · No books, magazines, or other material of an erotic nature of any kind
    · If you have a slipup, relapse, of any kind, you must notify me within 24 hours
    · No Applications (Apps) whose intended purpose is to disguise inappropriate material.
    · No social media, including but not limited to, Facebook, Kik, Tumblr, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, et al.
    · No Incognito Mode on any browser or deleting any history in whole or in part
    · No Deep Web and No Dark Web, including TOR Brows er of any kind
    · No News Groups or Internet Relay Chat
    · No Hookup Sites, Dating Sites, Ashley Madison, Tender, et al for the purpose of of getting together which may include, but is not limited to, Craigslist
    · No circumventing Blocker Apps or Reporting Apps, parental controls, WiFi restrictions, Proxy Servers, or anything else designed to monitor your electronic media activities
    · No touching me, grabbing me, groping me
    · No fantasizing
    · No strip clubs, adult novelty stores, or adult magazine sections in any store
    · No cameras, video recording devices, hidden or visual, at any time
    · No perpetual cycles of relaps/reset
    · No indulging in any fetishes of any kind
    · No testing
    · No begging, renegotiating, or pleading boundaries in a state of consequences

    Work through this, and when you are finished, we'll attack Consequences.
    Then why are you having sex? I don't know what your situation and circumstances are to speak intelligently about it. Would you care to expand on this and tell us a little bit more about what's going on in your life?
     
  5. Then stop, it's self-destructive behavior (I would know, I did it way too long!). Take time off sex. If you don't feel safe, don't do it. If you don't feel loved and respected, don't do it. The addiction has nothing to do with you, hence sex with you or not having sex won't change him and his addiction.
     
  6. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I meant to say and respond to this when I sent you the boundaries, but the answer THEN DON'T!

    Come to think of it...
    ...what She said? That hits the nail on the head. I just want to reinforce and point this out: You are attempting to create intimacy as a product of sex. But sex won't and can't produce intimacy. However, intimacy can produce sex. See the difference? Go after intimacy. You'll have more, and the best sex, you could ever have as a product of it.
     

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