I lost my shit in a discussion with my wife the other day. Our marriage has been struggling, and PMO is definitely to blame. But as I was processing, one of the deeper issues I uncovered is this....I feel like I did everything right. I was always the 'good kid' growing up. I always did well in school, never did drugs, never drank, always had a job, never skipped school, obeyed my parents, never had sex before marriage. A lot of my cousins were trouble and I felt it was my job to prove to my parents and grandparents that not all young guys are bad. I was a shy awkward kid that didn't really get invited to parties, got bullied a LOT. Even into my adult life. I can describe the majority of my growing up life in one word...bland. My parents were not very social people, so I always had a hard time making friends. Come high school and an unquenchable interest in women, I had zero confidence which led to a lot of rejection. Severe depression hit at this time also, which I still battle every day 17 years later. Fuck this shit. People I know who did drugs and partied and skipped school and slept around are living the life I want....Parties on boats, nice cars, beautiful women. One guy who made my life hell in High School is living in California and racing motorcycles. And what am I doing ? Going to a high pressure high stress job every day and working my ass off. Having a struggling marriage and a less-than-mediocre sex life. Sacrificing my dreams. Giving out of my deficit. I have a nosy bitchy neighbor who is verbally abusive. Fuck this shit. I guess this is one of the big reasons I used PMO. It was my fantasy, my escape when my reality was intolerable. Maybe I should have partied, drank, and done drugs when I was younger.
I know a lot of friends who partied, drank, and have done drugs and are now homeless addicts and even some are dead. Maybe you would have been just like them? Who knows and who cares because these are useless thoughts you're wasting time on. One thing I've found to be a huge help is to stop focusing on other people's lives. Their journey is not your journey. Plus you're still living in fantasy if you think their lives aren't also filled with their own set of problems and shitty times.
Agreed, need to focus on improving my own situation and moving it forward. I know a lot (including in my own family) who have trainwrecked their lives with drugs and alcohol. Maybe a more accurate phrasing of my initial rant would replace 'drinking drugs and partying' with 'being a general fucking d-bag.'
