I realize why ive become the cold personality that i am. Through years and years of living in a family of me, my dad, mother, and sister and in those years going through such bullshit with one another we have the simple default of being of a cold personality with one another. Communication is a big issue and id love to be for real warm with everyone in my family but theres always bullshit on the other end with them that causes me to shake my head and go into a cold personality and forced warmth with them every odd now and then. My mother is the least worst out of them but getting close to her she becomes this person thats like a detective poking into everything and judging everything almost and then using me like im her third arm with this chore and that. Just because i say shes the least worst in cold personality dont mean she aint cold though oh yeah. The bullshit part theres so much more to it with everyone of them and i wanna keep that out of this at the moment. So yeah our coldness reflecting off one another causing me to want to seek so much warmth i got to cut my family off and move on for a while and maybe get back to them or not. Thats why i went to drugs, escorts, pmo, drinking and smoking and bad influential friends but now ive cut that all out and i seek warmth in healthier places and of course within myself i know theres love and kindness. At the moment i dont have any friends or social media ive acted a fool to the people that gave me a chance and feel ive lost alot of face. I have depression, anxiety attacks, crazy boredom, disinterest in everything alot of times and think about starving myself to death alot but im still here and i want to keep strong. At the moment i just want to surround my self with good and warmth, i want friends. Real friends i can see and hear but ive got this cold personality that needs working on 101.
Im so frustrated and tired i love my family but they must be cut, ive become a reflection of alot of ugly traits of my family and back to them and people it makes me sick the way i am.
You know one thing i do often is seeing only the bad in others and even myself. I should see not just the bad but everything else. Seeing good in others is good, only seeing bad causes me to be very cold. I hope everyone has a good day.
We have to be careful, especially when we are attempting a major change that goes against the norm of those were around, not to become bitter and negative in our views. Not to take a cold negative look on everyone else. We have to cultivate happiness. In our hearts. I had to quit drugs, and alchohol when I was younger and it wasn't easy. I had to cut everyone out that drank and or used. I initially wanted nothing to do with them at all to minimize relapse risks but after time with more sobriety under my belt I realized I shouldn't judge them but just be myself and show others they can choose a different life. But utimately if your a different person, then you need different people in your life. In your case you may need time away from your family, I don't know the situation, but also family is always family in some way. Just keep working on yourself and you'll see benefits come. Things will fall in place for you after you've gotten sober and cut out the negative sexual behaviors.
