Battling an extreme fetish. 24/M and I’m all messed up. Can’t take it anymore.

Well… that’s a lot. Recently just got back on myself but just for PMO issues. Just don’t ever feel like your alone man. Don’t beat yourself up. From what I’ve read It’s obviously a personal concern to you and you’re working towards addressing it. I don’t judge. I’m pretty screwed up myself. In my opinion I’d really take a hard break from that crap online and really start doing some soul searching. Get outside. Meditate. Delete and separate yourself from any triggers. Social media,google,Instagram etc. stay busy and keep yourself distracted. keep yourself accountable everyday. Seek help if really needed and don’t hold back. If you see a therapist tell them what’s going on! If it’s causing this much pain in your life man it’s gotta go! That’s just my two cents man.. no shame in seeking therapy. Recently did
a few sessions myself and it helped me out, Recommend the better help app. But remember come clean on everything with your therapist. I say that so you’re not wasting your money and time beating around the bush talking about things that aren’t what you’re focused on deep down. Good luck buddy!

 

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...e-not-full-your-not-sexual-degenerate.339075/

 

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...e-not-full-your-not-sexual-degenerate.339075/

 

My friend, I think you are misunderstanding your issue.

You seem to be very preoccupied with your fetish (although I would call it a paraphilia, as the age of onset, perseverance, primacy, and unusual nature of your sexual arousal pattern fit the bill of a paraphilia). You need to understand that this something you cannot control and you can never control. You will always be aroused by that. So don't bother battling it.

But this does not mean you're screwed. Do not think that your paraphilia/orientation/sexual interest is a problem.

Is jacking off to porn all the time a problem? Potentially, yes. Is the depression that you have as a result of this situation a problem? Potentially, yes. Is your inability to attain intimacy with a woman a problem? Potentially, yes. There are many problems in your post - you are certainly not without problems, like any man.

I am just trying to tell you you have misidentified what your problem is. Then you will never solve it. The truth is, it doesn't matter that a fat person crushing another person with their body (or whatever) arouses you. In fact, I am willing to bet that when you get intimate with a woman, you will find that loving sex is arousing and enjoyable. Problem is, you probably just haven't really imagined it or tried it. I am drawing on my own experience with a paraphilia here (vorarephilia, in case you're curious). Also FYI, we're the same age.

I know you think about this issue a lot. The way you write about how embarrassing it is is proof of that. But I tell you, you have invented a problem in your head. There is nothing wrong with having a paraphilia. The only problem is if it controls you.

When you relax and stop worrying about being embarrassed about your paraphilia, you realize you can be larger than that feeling of shame and inferiority. This doesn't mean you should announce it to the world -- it's a very awkward topic, so don't fucking go around telling people for Pete's sake -- but if someone found out by accident somehow, they wouldn't care, and neither should you.

But crucially, you do not want to misidentify the problem, because then you will not find the solution. Let me spoil this for you now: your paraphilia is never going to go away. That just doesn't happen. It's never been observed (you can look up scientific literature on that on Google Scholar, I did years ago). You said it yourself, you've had it since you were 5. That part of you hard-wired.

But you haven't discovered your whole self yet.

Here's the situation, scientifically: the male brain is wired to see both beauty and hotness. They are connected, but they are definitely different things. And men can be attracted to both, but in different ways. For example, I think a woman who has swallowed another person whole is hot. It's just how I'm wired, and I can't control it. I once thought that meant I would never have intimacy, because my fantasy is not a real thing (I am not aroused by cannibalism... not that I would do that anyway, due to laws and ethics and all that jazz... haha). However, once I started having experiences with women IRL, I realized that some of them are quite beautiful, and I would want to have sex with them on that basis, even if they will fulfill this ultra-hot fantasy. It turns out there is more to life than pursuing hotness. Craving a woman's beauty means craving long-term commitment, compatibility, and genuine intimacy. It contrasts from the selfish impulse of "hotness" that men have so they spread their seed via rape / sex without commitment. You want to learn to enjoy beauty. This requires accepting that pursuing hotness is not the best way to live.

Accept it: you are different from most other men. However, take it as a blessing. Many men spend much of their lives, or their entire lives, valuing hot sex and never seeing the worth of deeper things. This is your chance to get out of that mindset. If you clear your mind of your lust, in whichever ways you feel you need to do so (NoFap, or whatever), I am telling you, you will live an absolutely enhanced and blissful life. You will find that that grandeur and satisfaction and fulfillment and deep joy of life is far more enriching than any orgasms you can get from your paraphilia, as hot as they may be. You just have to realize what's truly important to you.

I wish you well on your quest.

 

Fumaruu, I want to let you know that I just joined this forum today and am struggling with a problem and life story very similar to yours, except involving tickling instead of fat fetishism. It's very heartening to hear that you're getting aroused by vanilla porn, and I hope you continue to improve as you continue your abstinence. Keep us posted about your journey.

 

Hi there

You can beat this.

The good news is you've identified where your "kink" came from, which is excellent. It sounds like your issue is routed in a childhood trauma (more on that later).

The next step for you is to interpret the events differently. In my opinion, you're still viewing the world through the eyes of the child who was in that class. BUT, you're not a kid anymore - you're an adult.

You also need to understand that your addiction is routed in something that was beyond your control. Your teacher did that, not you, so don't blame yourself. Don't beat yourself up. It's not your fault. The more you beat yourself up the lower your self-esteem will be and the more you will want to watch porn to make yourself "feel better". Let it go.

As for the fetish, you're essentially no different from anyone else with a kink on here. What you're doing is looking for "sexual heroin" (the feeling you get from watching porn, basically), which makes normal sex seem quite vanilla. Normal sex isn't the same as "sexual heroin", but that's something you need to accept. And guess what: normal sex still feels good!

I don't agree that this will always be a part of you. Check out Jordan Peterson's self authoring programme. There's a great video on the home page which could help you understand your issue, which relates to how the brain responds to trauma. A trauma can get trapped in a part of the brain, and once you've addressed it properly it moves it to another part of the brain. Amazing stuff. His book "Beyond Order: 12 Rules for Life" is also good. There's a chapter called "Don't Hide Unwanted Things in the Fog", which I think you will like.

Here's some more good news: you seem like an intelligent, well-read guy, and you're only 24. You're so young. I recommend you look at the Jordan Peterson stuff and get rid of this shit once and for all. You'll be amazed at how you view the world afterwards.

Kind regards, best wishes and grow up!

 

I am suffering from a very similar problem to what you're experiencing. I have a pantsing fetish. Yes, I know. A prank between friends turned into my deepest sexual fantasy. I actually related heavily to a lot of what you said despite having a vastly different fetish. I'm also guilty of objectifying people in my life that sometimes played along. I constantly surround myself with women who I know are more likely to pants me or let me pants them. In fact, there is one particular girl who I am widely appalled by and only talk to when I'm trying to live out my fantasy. In fact, I rarely do this with girls that I find genuinely attractive. The only outlier is my girlfriend, who actually hates the idea of being pantsed. I literally started hanging out with her only because I wanted to have a crack at pantsing each other, but I ended up falling in love with her instead. Now, I feel so much shame over the fact that she will never my true intentions from the beginning of our relationship.

I don't think I have had any major escalations in my fetish, as there isn't really anywhere for it to go, but I have definitely become more desperate over the years. I have lost friends over it. I have risked cheating on my girlfriend for it. I have been blocked for it. I have been exposed for it. I have also experimented with guys a little bit, but I know I am not gay. I only really did it with them because I had a group of guy friends who pantsed each other for fun, so I sometimes resorted to them when I was desperate. Unfortunately, one of them found this to be weird and caught on to it pretty fast. Eventually, he spread the word to my friends, and it was the talk of the school that I wanted to "see him with his pants down".

I haven't been able to get out of it. I am confused as to why I have this fetish. I think it actually stems largely from my original fetish being underwear slips and girl's pants sliding down, but my friend group got me into pantsing on accident. I think I just searched up "Girls getting pantsed" one day after needing something new and fell down the rabbit hole shortly after.

I will probably make a separate thread talking about this, so I don't take up too much space here, but just know that I am in a very similar situation, and we are in this together. Best of luck to you my friend!

 

No need to feel embarrassed. I'm brand spanking new to NoFap. I'm only coming up on 2 weeks but I am really driven this time. I have a fetish that I really thought was out there myself until I discovered the Internet and realized that I wasn't alone either. I get totally excited with having women trample me and stand on my face. I actually own a facebox which puts your face at floor level. You can use your imagination. I love the fine line between pain and pleasure. And that's the short story.

We are all goofed up to 1ﾟ or another. I'm told that the longer that we stay away from porn and masturbation the more cheesy these fetishes of ours become. I'm also told that if we stay away from it long enough that our brains actually rewire themselves and we become normal. That comes from a book entitled "your brain on porn." I've been seeing a sex addiction counselor and he agrees.

 

Your paraphilia is not,by ANY means, "worse" than people who feel attracted to clinically starved\anorexic individuals("thinspo"), or the people who feel arousal to levels of muscle mass only attainable trough an unhealthy lifestyle(illegal steroids+8 full meals a day,etc).
There is a whole variety of body type attraction that doesnt involve serious damages to health and life expectancy!
Review some medical booklets or cases, if you start associating your paraphilia with the health issues it causes on obese individuals,youll develop an approach based on Compassion(ie; feeling bad because an obese will die very soon). dont focus on your-self, your brain balance..that is important,but comes a bit later.

 

Word to the wise....
Just take it A-day at a time and don't worry about tomorrow. I get what you're saying though. It sounds to me like you are tired of the whole thing and just want it to be gone. I definitely get that!

 

You are not alone! My brain keeps on rewinding back the memories. Not giving in is definitely not easy. I'm a recovered alcoholic for a long time now. I've been trying to apply some of what I've learned in that program to this porn addiction.

I talk to a lot of people who are early in their recovery and are struggling. I'm always telling them that we have to learn to play the scene forward.

What happens if you drink? In our case What happens if we view porn and masturbate? We may feel good for a short period of time but sooner or later we will be right back where we started, carrying around more shame, realizing that we accomplished absolutely nothing. And now we have to start all over again.

I don't know what the outcome is going to be but I am told and I have to believe that it's much better than what we've been used to. I am told that masturbation to having sex is like looking at a Ferrari versus driving one.

 

Hi brother, I read your story, I feel touched. God bless you and may He preserve you from Evil and give you peace.

 

Wow dude, that's rough. I found a site called overcominghocd.com where there was some helpful content. It sounds like you need to do some deep inner work and heal yourself. I think you may also benefit from kind of laughing at yourself a little bit? I mean it sounds like you may be suffering especially since u dont have any experience with women. The less exposure u have to women, the easier it is to get lost in fetishes. Are u religeous? Just curious because getting back in the faith could help but yeah man, its going to take some time but u can do it! Guys have had crazy scat fetishes and went onto overcome that and become sexually healthy but u need to really dedicate urself to self-improvement and getting better with women

 

I mean when i say "laughing at yourself" i mean like the more u feel guilty the more you will fuel the compulsion in my experience. U may benefit from a more organic approach where u allow urself to fap once in a while to relieve tension. Just try shifting it to less extreme stuff. THe more gentle u are with yourself the better. This will help u get to a more positive state of mind with less shame and guilt. its easier to transition to higher levels from there but if u just try to go cold turkey u'll prob just fall back into the same BS patterns. I prefer weening off and just being a little bit balanced.

 

To be honest you’re probably not bi. The reason I say that is because the fetish has literally nothing to do with whether body parts distinctly male or female so you can still get off regardless of the gender. I had something which was like that and I felt completely indifferent to male or female genitalia because they just didn’t create a sexual high for me. I wouldn’t really take it as any indicator that you’re bi.

As for no other attraction, I once had a very extreme fetish that I had my entire life. I never thought that normal sexual attraction was possible. Then I developed a crush which kept me off porn for about 2-3 months and eventually towards the end I found myself being sexually attracted to them. The best possible thing to do for your answers is to fight the fuck out of the addiction.

 

Dam men, it's been long to read. Next time try to get to the point quicker. It's would be easier to understand and help you.

I believe myself that I have much better understanding of addiction behaviors then average person, which might be true. But after reading your story it's hard for me to be certain and clear why you got Into such fetish.

But the bottom of that always lies on brain chemistry. Sexual excitement coctail is similar dangerous excitement. Dopamine is for seeking and adrenaline is for work and these chemical working hand to hand. I believe that building up such fetishes is in relationship between excitment from danger and desensitization - your brain adapts by lowering adrenaline receptors and you need more danger to excited you. You need more dangerous stimulus for getting more adrenaline, because of lowered receptors. And it escalate in never ending negative loop. Who knows where you might end few years later if you not cut this loop.

Why understanding basis of how your brain works and how pas experience is affected your current life is nice, but it's not key from prison. It might release responsibility, shame, and guilt, which is good. But this understanding won't help you complete your goal. As same you don't need to understand how smarphone hardwire circuit works and how software is coded - you can have completed usage of the phone without such knowledge.
Same with your goals. It's most frustrating place to be where you doing things which you would like to stop - It's like schizophrenia.
But you need to understand that you can't go back in your life and watch 20years of your past looking for traumas. By my personal opinion it's pointless, because you are here now and every bit of this moment how you feel and how you act builds new of you for the next moment and the rest of the life.
You need to understand that your past story and your thoughts isn't authentic self of you. You need to control your mind or it will control you.
From your authentic self you told here that you wish to have great relationship and experience love. Doesn't really matter if you have filthy urges when you working towards what you really want.
Seperate your authentic self from your past story. Your mind are only sense and ideas producing machine - not real you, your choice is to accept those ideas or not. If those ideas are not aligned with your true authentic self dreams, then you dismiss those ideas and won't accept it.
But first you need to be clear of what you want, there are no other way. As much detail your dreams are the more control you have.
If you decide you really like this fetish then it's okey, if you decide you want to have love and compassion instead it's great. But you have to make decisions and be certain about it. And continuously work on it. There is no other way arround it. There is no magic pill or shortcuts.