Awful decisions lead to awful results...

My life has taken an unbelievable unexpected turn recently and I am in a huge crisis. This is a very sensitive time for me and I ask that you please reserve your judgments about my situation. Constructive dialogue is absolutely supported and welcomed.

I have always masturbated since I was a child (I'm 27 now). I remember seeing my father's stache of porn in the shed behind our house one day and I was blown away by the images I saw. Throughout high school and middle school and college I would masturbate regularly, even though I was/am a fairly attractive man, by western cultural standards.

This year has brought along many stresses. I've had 2 job changes, I got married, I just bought a house and now I'm moving in next week.

The crisis is that I turned to porn in my time of crisis instead of turning to my significant other for support. In my binging of porn, I acted out on my actions and sought sexual contact with an exotic dancer who may have given me an STI. This is the first time I have ever had an encounter with another person outside of an actual relationship, and as soon as the action was initiated, I knew I was in trouble. Mainly emotionally, physically was not my priority.

After recognizing some symptoms for the STI, I went to get tested. They gave me some antibiotics to stop an infection but I believe I may have spread this to my significant other unknowingly. This is where the story gets really horrible...

In order to cover up my tracks, in the event that I actually did get an STI, I made up a lie and told my significant other that I had Chlamydia 6 years ago before we met and that it is "flaring up again" (Which doesn't happen, I'm an idiot). Basically, I said you should go get tested and obviously this crushed my sig-other. Later that night when I was laying on my couch thinking about what I've done, I broke down and cried and told my significant other the truth about how I went and did this horrible act of self-destruction.

There are so many things that I wish I could take back, but I can't. My significant other cannot stand the sight of me but agreed to go to couples counseling to try and mend our relationship. I've sought out professional help thinking that my issue was masturbation when in reality...it's porn.

I am looking for anybody's advice that had to deal with porn addiction with your significant other/spouse and how you both got through it together. I want to do everything I can to make this work for us, and I know that it is up to me to take the first step to earn that trust back. Any comments would help a ton. Thanks everyone.

 

Andrew01 - Thank you so much for the kind words. It's just what I needed today. One day at a time, indeed.

Thanks again.

 

Thank you so much!