Answering the question "Why?"

I'm sorry you're going through this, and even more sorry for your wife. Unfortunately, I'm a HUGE supporter of the SA 12 step meetings. May I ask how much e percent e you've had with them and why it didn't seem to work? Also, it helped me a LOT to find out about how and why my addiction was formed in my mind. CSAT therapy did that for me. If yiu hVen't tried that, I highly recommend it!

 

I have a similar story to yours. Answering the 'why' question is very important and one that I'm working on now: Why have I gone to porn? What purpose has it served in my life? One that I've found for me is it gives me a quick hit of 'intimacy' that I can run away from when I'm done, instead of having to participate in a real relationship. Counseling has helped trace some things back to my childhood. But I bottomed out recently, if you read any of my posts. I'm starting therapy again next week after having quit for awhile. Big mistake on my part when I discontinued therapy. I'm also in SAA and would recommend continuing with those meetings.

 

B_GoodLuck, I am sorry that you are going through this. I wish I could solve your problem for you; but if you are interested in being in a group chat with a bunch of strangers from midwest USA, I can put you in touch with a guy. They are a 12-step group (that I don't go to anymore) but they are 10, 20, 30 years older than I am. Feel free to PM me as well. I realize that the steps don't resonate with you, but I am more so making this gesture in the hope that you can chat with likeminded people or can connect with people closer to your age. But for what it's worth from this 30-something, who has been through a divorce, and has experienced the dysfunction brought on by porn and drug and alcohol addiction, hope is always an option, therapy is always an option, even availing ourselves of therapeutic tools from the internet or books on our own. I found wellness in good wholesome relationships, groups, friends with coffee talking about deep things; prayer, meditation, exercise, diet, volunteering, family, etc. My story of recovery started with taking my last drink of alcohol, in 2019, and then soon I learned the causes of addiction, scientifically; and now I am continuing to learn about -- and address -- the emotional and relational wounds that fed the cycle, traumas, dysfunction, etc. There are lots of good podcasts and public intellectuals out there like Andrew Huberman who talk about it from a scientific perspective. Part of my therapy involved the work of Brene Brown on the theme of vulnerability; Dr Kevin McCauley, "Pleasure Unwoven". Certainly "Your Brain on Porn" and also the work of Patrick Carnes. I learned that asking for help is a strength and that people are usually compassionate about my weaknesses if I am sincere about admitting them, there is no shame. Currently, I am working on doing another inventory of all my "unsaleable goods" -- all my resentments and everything, they are exhausting, and they create a headspace that clears the way for relapse. Anyway so my point there is, you might look at some of that type of work. I mean, hey at least you're not in denial. The Pleasure Unwoven video taught me how the parts of the brain work and said, "Addiction is not a choice, it is a disease 'of' choice." The famous experiment "Rat Park" also put things into view. Plus good people I know who are otherwise morally upright people who have gotten hooked on pills simply because they had a prescription to medicate their insomnia. All dopamine is generic and addiction doesn't give a shit about you. And even people with cirrhosis of the liver - who know they will die - will still continue to drink, who know that they will ruin the lives of their daughter, or whatever it might be, will still act out. Why do we make that choice? Well, the truth is we really don't have a choice... until we find an opening and learn ways to exercise what little control we do have. Usually that "opening" for people comes when people hit their rock bottom, which for many is a blessing. Then we begin to recover and heal, and we find ways to get what I call "good dopamine." Nature, walking, music, journaling, anything supports my mental health. And it's not just me, everyone's story is different, and there are people out there I know who now have great relationships with their loved ones, or they stick it out through infidelity, people who divorce and get re-married who are now happy, people who get their jobs back, their children back, their lives back. Anything is possible! It's not the mistakes we make that hurt us the most, but how we 'respond' to those mistakes. Get angry and recalibrate and go on the attack; accept responsibility, cut your losses, create a vision, and create a plan. Anyway sorry for rambling on. Let me know if you want the info of the guys, they chat on GroupMe.

 

Clearly this has been an issue for a long, long time, and has caused you and your wife a lot of pain.

How are you accessing porn, and what prevents you from installing a filter--one outside of your control--that would keep your devices porn-free?

Obviously that wouldn't solve the problem of fantasy and compulsive masturbation, but it would go a looooong way toward helping you get some traction away from porn.

 

How does a gambling addict lose his home and his life's savings? Doesn't he know how destructive his problem is? How does someone keep using meth even after they're on the streets and their teeth have fallen out?

The answer to this question is very simple, but it isn't very satisfying. Why do you look at porn and masturbate? Because you're an addict. That's the reason.

It's because the behavior or substance has hijacked your brain chemistry. Your dopamine system now requires you to use porn and masturbation--not for a high, but just to feel normal. You've so conditioned yourself to seek it for relief that you go there every single time. It's like you're on autopilot. It's also why addicts almost never get better on their own just by 'trying harder.' We need external help and external controls to help us get some distance between us and our addictive behaviors. Without some kind of external help, I'm highly skeptical of an addict ever being able to recover. Perhaps some do, but I suspect they are a very, very, very rare minority.

 

The only way you can maintain sobriety is to choose it every day. Treating pornography addiction by Dr. Kevin Skinner is a great book to help. Unwanted by Jay Stringer is one my husband really liked and said resonates with him.
For your relationship-Worthy of Her Trust, Helping Her Heal, and Out of The Doghouse. For your wife-Intimate Deception, Your Brain on Porn , My Sexually Addicted Spouse.
You wife is suffering from betrayal trauma and would benefit from seeing a csat.
I suspect you may be I A- Intimacy Anorexia given the fact you stopped in the middle of sex ( that’s truly devastating to your wife especially if you just said you were tired rather than actually talking to her). Carnes workbook Out of The Shadows is good. You really have to want to stop and be willing to face the pain that makes you abuse yourself and family. That requires a lot of work learning about yourself and become self aware.