Anger at dating

I am a gay man in my early 40s, and I have found that over the years I've become increasingly angry at other Gay men for what I perceive to be their rejection of me.

For some reason, I go on a lot of dates, or at least I used to, and I would find that men would either never call me back, or ignore me when I contacted them. It could be that I have a neurological tic, I have Tourette's syndrome, or it could just be something else. In general I think I'm a decent looking guy for my age, and I tend to be very nice to people.

I am trying to accept the fact that I'm probably never going to have a relationship, regardless of the reasons, and I think that is one of the reasons I wanted to not only give up sex with other people, but also pornography in general. it's my way of saying F you to the other men who always rejected me. And really to the gay community at large. I don't know if this is the appropriate place to say this, but this is one of the reasons I wanted to give up sex altogether. I'm trying to go through a few months of hard mode reboot, after that I may end up doing some masturbation without pornography, but I don't know that I ever want to engage in any kind of sexual relationship again. I just don't trust men that much.

I hope this doesn't appear that I have a bad attitude. I'm not trying to. I know there are a lot of good people in the world, but I just not found anyone that is interested in pursuing a relationship with me in over a decade. So I'm trying to get through that, and accept the fact that other people are simply not interested in a relationship with me. For whatever reason. I can still be a happy person regardless, but I just have to accept what is. That is one of my motivating factors for obtaining optimal sexual health. I think for the few months of reboot, followed by masturbation without pornography, I can be sexually healthy and not have to worry about having a romantic relationship.

I've heard some people call this involuntary celibacy. That may be the case, but I don't think that would be exactly it. If I want to have sex I will simply go on a dating app and find someone to have it with. That is not hard at all. And I've done that every now and then. I'm just trying to get better. It's a very hard life. But hopefully with newfound sexual health, it will be better. I'm on day four of my reboot, and I'm trying very hard to keep going today five. Just one day at a time.