An Uphill Battle (Needing guidance)

Hello Fapstronauts! Hope this post finds you well. Though I've been a member of the boards for two months, I haven't written an introduction and would like to share my story. I apologize in advance for the length, but I would appreciate all advice and guidance. I want to beat this badly.

My mind has often found the opposite sex appealing, and I think sexual frustration built up over the course of my childhood. I never had a girlfriend or the opportunity to have one, as my parents were pretty strict (being an only child) and kept tabs on me at all times.

It was in the 10th grade that I discovered MO, and it went downhill from there. Though I can't say I'm addicted to Porn, I am definitely addicted to the MO. My imagination became vile and a source of easy gratification in times of stress and difficulty. I coasted through high school and graduated with a high rank. Growing up, I've always wanted to go into medicine. Since high school was a breeze, I thought I was well on my path and could reach my goals easily. MO became a habit, and it effectively made me live two lives. A life of Christian devotion in public, but in the confines of my own room, pleasure called my name.

Then college hit me. My first year went well as I got by with not doing a lot of work and the benefit of teachers' grading adjustments. Then sophomore year happened.

I met a girl who spent a vast amount of time outside of classes with me. We were only friends, but over time, I developed feelings for her. We enjoyed each others' company, and I held her in high priority over my studies. My grades took a hit and I essentially threw away my future for a shot with this girl. Spring semester came around. I told her how I felt. She shut me down. I realized later that she was very naive in nature, and I let myself to be led on. I thought it would end there, but her circle of friends were also my circle. For the next 4 years, I continuously had to see her and endure that hardship. I spiraled into depression, lost focus in school, and graduated in 5 years. I graduated with a low GPA and no suitable job outlook. Not once did I think abstaining from PMO would help to resolve my issues.

I got home after college and started "studying" for the MCAT. I've wasted a year "studying" when in reality, I ran away from my problems by turning to PMO, lingering on regrets, digging deeper into depression, and beating myself over it. I couldn't find a suitable job. I prayed to God, but I felt I heard no answer.

I'm now 23 years old. I have a passion for medicine, but when I think about what needs to be done, I am overcome with confusion, despair, and regret. I forgot all that I've learned in college. I don't know where to start studying for the MCAT. My heart and mind feel heavy, and I run to sleep or PMO for a temporary escape. My parents are not from this country and do not understand what I'm going through. They've sacrificed a lot and spent so much for me, and I can't simply tell them that I wasted a good education for a girl.

At the end of May, I prayed and applied for a research internship position at an Orthopedics research firm. The professor met with me, asked me what went wrong in college, and offered me a full time job, decent paying, with benefits. I have an opportunity here to learn, network with doctors, and get published. This was grace. This was a turning point in my life.

At the end of June, I found NoFap. I found it first on a sports forum, and I thought people were just challenging themselves to see how long they could refrain from PMO. But when I visited this site and the subreddit, I saw the profound impact it had on many lives. I decided to research and correct the 9 years I've wasted chasing after this frivolous thrill. It became a habit for me, and a part of me. I just did it without thinking of the consequences. I'm currently on day 4, but I am hopeful that I can get this fixed and use it as a tool to better myself as a man.

It's just that I am still in a hole. Though I've gotten this job, am working out, and generally improving myself, I have a burning desire to pursue medicine/surgery as a career and travel abroad. I am extremely passionate and when I work with doctors and patients, I feel the most alive there. However, my GPA is low (3.30) and I have yet to get a competitive score on the MCAT. I don't know where to start. There's just so much, I feel overwhelmed. My test is on Wednesday, but I have canceled that reservation and need more time to study. I just am lost, and don't know where to start.

A terrible feeling, truly, when your passion and your actions aren't in sync. My brain just tries to run away when there is a problem or a challenge. I don't know what to do. I need your help and I need your prayers.

 

I've wasted a complete year of my life. Truly. I want to pursue medicine, but I've bummed around and just let time pass. I haven't done anything productive since May 2014. A year and a half. Wow. Unbelievable.

Told my parents yesterday that I needed more time to study for the MCAT in January. They laid it all on me. Brought up my mistakes and called me a failure. They are right. I was disobedient. I am a fool.

Why me? Why am I cursed with a stupid mind and no discipline. I have no willpower. I have low confidence. I can't seem to be doing anything right. I'm hoping NoFap helps me get back on track and start attacking these problems. I can't go on like this.

My life has to change. I want to change the world. I'm trying to keep the faith, but it feels I'm falling deeper and deeper into an abyss.

Why?