An Introduction, a Confession, and Raising My Standards

Warning: long post I pretty much never post and I have a lot on my mind!

So, I've been a semi-silent lurker. But I wanted to make a post because it feels right after having some realizations come to me. Hopefully this can help others who may be struggling with some similar issues as I have for many years.

I'll start by saying that I was exposed to the idea of PMO when I was 9 years old when I got my first computer and inevitably found porn by accident. I started PMO at that age because I wanted to try what I saw and was thrilled by the new discovery. This was bad enough on its own especially for my age, though I don't think I actually became addicted until about 11, which was the same age I found out that what I was doing was sexual. I had no idea. But I was already hooked. I knew masturbation was sinful but the willpower of a child against sin, let alone addiction to a particular sin, is not terribly strong. I have "tried" to quit PMO since I was 11. I tried to do it alone and without any resources. I never told anyone, especially not my parents. I'm sure they had their suspicions throughout my teenage years, but it's a very awkward conversation and it will probably never come up. Especially not now since I'm an adult. I'm okay with not discussing it with them, honestly. But, anyway--

I was introduced to NoFap at age 14 or so during a middle school Sex Ed presentation. The website was provided as a resource so we could read the articles and understand the risks of a PMO addiction. If I had not been introduced to it then, I wonder if I would have never found it. I didn't look for many resources because of my shame. But NoFap seemed to fall from the sky that day like a blessing. I don't think I made an account until I was 16 or something like that. I don't really remember off the top of my head when I joined the website officially. Well , I am 21 now and in spite of my perceived commitment to quitting PMO, I have never yet made it past 30 days in all these years. 28 has been the most I've done but my streaks are usually only a few days or even two weeks at most.

Here is where my confession comes in. I don't think I've really committed to PMO the way I should have been all these years. I had been treating PMO like a series of stages I needed to pass through before I really considered anything I did to be a reset. I would try to avoid porn or fantasy, but if I indulged in it then I didn't reset my tracker. Maybe I would start masturbating to the porn or fantasy but that wasn't a reset either. If the shame set in and I managed to stop myself right before I had an orgasm, then I would say to myself, "Phew, that was close. Glad I came back to my senses." and not reset the tracker. Basically, I didn't consider anything a reset unless I did the O part of the PMO. Needless to say, this has not been helping me. Basically, if I gave myself a free pass to indulge in porn or fantasy and only get off with a warning, then it would be easier to start masturbating. And once I got to that stage, it would be harder to stop. Especially if I failed to stop just in time and... "Shoot, I guess I might as well just let this happen."
Because I kept my standards low, and because I thought to myself that resetting when I look up porn or dwell on a fantasy far too long would be "unfair" or "unrealistic", I gave the devil a foothold and made it even easier to reset when ironically I thought I was giving myself a generous amount of second chances to "get it right".

Recently, when I nearly avoided an O reset and decided to discipline myself by deciding that the next time I masturbate would be a reset even without the O, I made it 27 days! That's the longest I've made it in like two years. And after that when I lowered my standards back down to just O, my streaks were only a week at the most. There was a clear difference. And that's when I realized that not only was avoiding more than just the O more effective, it was POSSIBLE.

It's so embarrassing to feel like I'm only discovering this at 21 when I've been here for over 5 years. But I've just been lurking and logging in to just reset my counter. I wonder if deep down, I wasn't ready to commit. I honestly don't know how hard I've really been trying until now. Maybe I wasn't really trying, I just thought that I was because the mental struggle of knowing I had to quit made me FEEL like I was putting in the necessary work even when I wasn't. After all, if I FEEL like I'm fighting then that must mean that I am, right? Maybe not always. Not to the mention the shame that such bad habits have made me carry. Sometimes I feel shame when I am changing or when I'm getting ready to take a shower. I feel shame when I see my body in the mirror. I feel shame when I think of marriage. I know this is not what God wants for me to carry around.

Anyway, I am here to say that I would like to be more active on this platform and that I am now raising my standards to include ALL of the PMO acronym. I will not sacrifice myself to two other sins to avoid just one. I must avoid all three. I will not give my flesh the permission to tempt me as long as I haven't "actually finished". As a child of God, I am called to a higher purpose than just skating by doing the bare minimum. My old standards remind me of the Pharisees that believed what did in their hearts and minds did not matter so much as long as they didn't carry out a sin to its completion. But I want to be more than a white-washed tomb.

This won't be easy for me, but I believe it is right and necessary at this point. Of course I understand that impulsive or intrusive thoughts can occur. I won't consider being tempted a reset unless it leads me to look up porn or to indulge in a fantasy for like more than ten seconds or something. I suppose my only question would be how I could prevent myself from going into MO after a P reset since I might be tempted to just go all the way if I'm gonna reset anyway. I wonder how that can work. Advice would be appreciated if possible.

Anyway, that's all for now. It's been really hard and damaging to have my views on sex distorted since before I even knew what it was and before I even hit puberty... and 12 years is a long time to struggle with an addiction. But I know Jesus has set me free and I want to finally walk in that freedom. Please pray for me as I enter this new stage of my journey. If you took the time to read this super long post, then thank you. I hope you find it useful. Sorry for any typos!

 

Thank you so much. I will absolutely look into those resources. And you make a great point about never lusting being impossible since we are flawed humans (as well as the goal being no lust rather than just "not sinning physically"). I will make sure I'm not being too hard on myself with that. I like what you said about resetting at porn/masturbation. That gives me a chance to deflect from things like temptation or fantasy because I know what they'll lead to if I entertain it too long.
You have had a very long journey and it's crazy how there's people who have wrestled with this same addiction longer than I have even been around... I really admire your endurance and strength to keep fighting! Sometimes it takes a long time for our eyes to open up to the truths God wants us to know. Proportionally speaking, this addiction has lasted over half my life so I know that frustration as well . God is with us and we are all growing closer to Him as we lean on Him all together
Thank you so much for your advice! God bless and may the Lord strengthen you as well.

 

Thank you!

 

Well.... after a ten day streak, I wound up resetting
I was doing really well with my new strategy. I pushed away all the thoughts and temptations as quickly as possible until I didn't even think about it! I thought things were really starting to turn around.
For the past few days prior to my reset, I had dreams every single night where I was presented with a sexual opportunity that would have otherwise become a wet dream. But every time I managed to go "no, I can't do that". Even in my dreams, I had the awareness to say no the offer of a wet dream. How weird is that? Some kind of lucid dreaming maybe.
But last night I dreamed of something so enticing that even though I rejected it in my dream, it lingered in my head all day, I became weak to it, and I acted on the temptation.

I'm going to be praying for God to strengthen me against these temptations. I feel like every time I get a good streak going I have all these flaming arrows that just get thrown at me.
(It seems it may take a little while for the reset counter in my posts to reflect what happened as of today)

 

12 day streak. A little longer than the last one. I almost reset yesterday but I pushed it away. But not this time today. Every time I make the choice to reset, in the moment, I seem to forget just how awful it feels right after. The shame that feels like a twisting in the gut. I know I’m hurting myself and breaking God’s heart. If I could just call to remembrance that awful feeling when I’m tempted, maybe it’ll be easier to resist.
Regardless, I have a glimmer of hope that I made it 12 days. As long as the streaks don’t get shorter I will consider it to be progress. My goal for the next streak is to make it double at the very least.

 

Thank you so much.
I think I am running into the same issue like you mentioned where I become complacent. Being not used to going for longer than two weeks typically has made me get a little over-confident in my ability to keep going once I hit a one-week benchmark. At that point, I take the progress for granted and forget to pray for strength. I can even think that I can "handle" dwelling on certain thoughts... as if that makes any sense at all.
I seem to only pray over this awful addiction right after a reset when my head is clear and I can see it for what it really is. But after that, I become too complacent. I really need to start writing in my prayer journal (an offline one) more often so that I can focus on keeping such a prayer on the front lines. Though being more active on here has been a good change of pace for me as well.

Thank you for your prayers. I am praying for you as well.

 

I like the idea of focusing more on the streak of good habits rather than solely on a streak of avoiding bad ones. I guess it's kind of like when people say that when driving, you slightly start to swerve in whatever direction you're looking at. Don't look at the accident on the side of the road you want to avoid, but look forward to where you want to go.
It's good to remember that freedom from PMO is not just a goal, but it is a byproduct of what the main goal is-- which is to become more like Christ and to be sanctified a little more everyday. I have to keep my eyes fixed on Him, what I want in my life rather than what I don't want, and to continually pray for strength and for God to take over where I fail.