An addict's open diary

I have been suffering for a long time with this addiction, it has been going for such a long time that I can vaguely remember when it started, I think it was around the year 2008/2009 most likely 2009 when I was in form 3, there was this graphics magazine with several girls wearing sports jerseys and doing striptease, I remember getting hooked by this and I would fantasize a lot even though these girls weren't really naked. Back then I really had very wild imagination and any sexual trigger however small would be magnified by my imagination to fit what I wanted to see, it was also around this time that I had my first 2G phone, during school holidays I started searching for similar pictures to girls I saw stripteasing, the internet during this time was very slowww... I remember waiting sometimes up to several minutes for a picture to download and I would be there checking impatiently until the download was complete, this was a period when all I could get from internet was just pictures and some erotic text, I didn't discover videos until much later. During all this time I would masturbate to pictures, erotic text and later videos when I had access to phone and when I went back to school I used to draw pictures on paper from my imagination and masturbate to them...(arrggh)
I used to feel extremely guilty after watching/masturbation to porn but the temptation was too great to ignore and came back again and again.

Fast forward to today June 8 2023, it is almost 15 years into this addiction, that is 50% of my life and 100% of my adult life wasted, all the chances I had and wasted, all the potential I had, has all turned to what could have been. It has reached a point now where I don't know what my purpose is in life anymore, I have been struggling with this addiction for so long that it has become my life's purpose, everyday I wake up and hope that I don't relapse but end up relapsing later during the night..I feel like shit after that...give myself hope that there is tomorrow, when tomorrow comes I still fall into in the same and the loop continues.

Will I be able to amount to anything other than a guy who struggles to be free of porn, what legacy will I leave behind??? At this time I am living just for the sake of living, because I wake up alive everyday have no choice but to just carry on with living throughout the day until I go to sleep again, just drifting, wherever the flow of life takes me that is where I will be, I want it to end but I have tried every trick in the book with the same results....I hope something happens to change this life because honestly I don't think I have it within me to make that change.

I relapsed twice last night, I am tired...realy..really tired

 

So, It has been a week since my last rock bottom in which I decided to write my thinking on this whole addiction affair, I again had two relapses on the same night just two (2) days after writing the post, I really become a madman when my minds wants me to PMO there is literary nothing which can stop me once the thought has taken hold, the tension becomes too much to bear until I have PMO'd and if that is not enough, the regret, loneliness and hopelessness that follow is too much to face that I end up spending almost an entire night numbing my brain to endless cycle of youtube videos, at least then when I am not thinking everything seems calm.
I am 4 days in today (5 days if I finish today without relapse), a friend (workmate) of mine randomly suggested an idea of morning run (I am away on work and have wanted to exercise since I got here but didn't have the motivation, I decided to take the opportunity)...we started yesterday and again today, I hope to continue with this as it helps me wake up early with an expectation of accomplishment if I run, I also read some history book ("People and Nations: A World History" by Anatole Gregory Mazour) after the run and at night after I come back from work. I feel a bit OK-ish now, I hope to continue on the same journey even though I can't say I have the energy or the optimism for the future but I hope with time and avoidance of triggers I would be able to get more strength to carry on further, it would be a shame if I die like this - with a constant daily worrying whether I will be able to finish a day without relapse, I want someday to look back and be proud of effort it took to be sober, to go for a long time that I become confident but not too confident to let my guard down..to be able to at least ease this feeling of constant discomfort I have now fearing relapse at any time.

 

I am again on my second day (if today ends well) after 2 consecutive relapses I suffered on Sunday (25 June 2023) and Monday (26 June 2023), these relapses could have easily been avoided had I stuck to my rule that I established recently of leaving my smartphone and laptop at the office (easier said than done). For some time now I have realized how dependent I am on electronics and internet to relax, it has reached a point now that I don't know how to refresh my head without going into Youtube, no matter how I try and try again the loop still repeats itself. I have tried taking a walk outdoors like I used to when I was growing up but now it seems to require a lot of effort and not as enjoyable as I am constantly thinking of work and every moment I spend outside I view as wasted time.
Maybe I should quit this job and focus on something else that gives me more time??? I know the money won't be as good as what as I am getting now but at least I will keep my sanity, I really believe I will go nuts if I continue down on this path...I see no way ahead in my life, I wake up, work, sleep and repeat. I want to achieve lots of things but if I don't take this risk I will stay just like this for the rest of my life and this is what scares me the most...growing old not knowing how to live life.
It has reached a point now that I find no pleasure in doing anything, I am not enthusiastic at all...maybe this is why I relapse constantly, I don't care whether I succeed or not, so I let myself fail because at least I will some sense of excitement with PMO...very pathetic (I know).
What should I do to get back the fire I had before?? I want to succeed but I really don't have the energy to put in the effort (which is preparation for failure)

 

Check in 8 July 2023, I have been continuing with life the same way, fumbling my way around day in day out, I have relapased 3 times on 29 June 2023, 03 July 2023, 06 July 2023 with same feelings of shame, I find that I am being compulsive and most of these relapses its not because of me being horny but just the boredom I feel after a day of work. Another triggering factor is that I don't know how to control my thoughts when I am alone which because of my work and the need to travel most of the time, is something I can't avoid. Currently I am on my second day (If I complete this day) after the last relapse, I hope to someday reach 90 days and beyond but right now I am taking it one day at a time.

 

Random journal check-in, it is my day 4 today since I last relapsed on Saturday 13th Apr 2024, weekdays have become much easier for my peace of mind, my mind is occupied most of the time and I enjoy work so I am not very afraid of relapse during this period because once I return home I am completely exhausted and can't think of anything else other than spending time with family, eating and sleeping. I want to keep myself busy during the weekends too, whether it is a hobby or just anything that prevents me from being idle and bored, if I achieve this I know it's battle half worn.
First things first.....I must survive today

 

Another update, another marathon of relapses. I am now at a point where I can no longer find the reason why I am even doing this challenge, my life has reached a point where I find it hard to get it's meaning anymore, I don't know why but I find myself relapsing time and time again and when I am in the heat of the moment, all the common sense evaporates from my head.

I have started to observe myself under which circumstances these compulsive conditions manifest themselves, my goal is to avoid these conditions as often as possible until I have built a stronger self control to once again live a normal life without the constant fear of relapse.

I relapsed twice yesterday (26/04/2024) due to boredom being at home, I don't know why but I can't motivate myself to work when I am at home, there will always be something to distract me, whether it is food (especially food), T.V, mindless browsing, talking to family members, sleeping etc. anything but work. This is the first situation I aim to not let myself to be exposed to for long durations because as my experience has shown, it always end in at least one relapse. What's funny is, it is not that I am alone at home, I am surrounded by family but still find myself to be bored as hell, it is not every time that I enjoy talking and when I am in that situation, not a lot of things can interest me, aside from watching T.V, Netflix, Youtube..all of which are precursors to relapses because once I get bored of watching them(which I almost always do)...porn comes next.

Again, the previous relapse before the one mentioned above (23/04/2024) was also within similar contexts, I made up an excuse at work due to the El Nino rains we are currently facing and stayed at home, same cycle occurred again, was unmotivated, started watching T.V then internet, then porn
My long term plan now is to at least find a hobby after work, something that I might look forward to doing that is not work and also avoid staying at home doing nothing for whatever reason, whether I am alone or with family (if I am not actively socializing with them).

I plan to repair my bike and use it from time to time to do some exercise and hopefully clear my mind of negative thoughts

 

Thanks for the reboot logs tip, is there any way a can move the thread?
And, about the boredom not being the trigger, how is it not a trigger when my mind wanders to sexual thoughts whenever I am bored? Although I a must admit that I did not have the best childhood experience but it was not something so traumatic that I would dwell on too much that I consider to be a trigger. I would really like to hear more about your perspective on how you think that "boredom" is not the actual cause. Are there some actual studies or experiences that you have encountered that talk about these issues?