POTENTIAL TW I started viewing porn habitually around 13 years old. I can remember the first time I came across porn on the internet, at the time I must have been in around the 3rd grade googling "wild animals" for a school project and being led to a pornography website instead. I remember how exciting it was and for me that seems like the day I got hooked. As of today I am 26 years old and been aware of the fact that I have a problem with using porn since about 18 years old. I've tried to quit many times since I realized I have a problem and have gone on some successful streaks lasting as long as 30 days and I've seen the benefits from abstaining that long. I should mention that a struggle with a host of mental illnesses the biggest two being depression and OCD and I feel like those two things largely contribute to my use of porn amongst other coping mechanisms like alcohol and nicotine. I don't like to make excuses for myself I understand with hard work, the right mindset and good support/therapy I can find my way out of this. It has just been very hard, easily the hardest thing I've ever tried to overcome in my life. The reason for this post though is to talk about the imagery I've come across through my years of viewing porn. I'm not sure how I ended up coming across it but at about the age of 15 I saw beastiality porn for the first time and I remember being disgusted but kind of curious because I was used to pretty vanilla porn. from then until about a couple years ago it never even crossed my mind to look that shit up and for the life of me have no idea why I decided to. I've read about escalation and have drawn to the conclusion that I was sick of the same old stuff and decided to seek out something more novel. Long story short I've PMO'd to beastiality porn (animals on women) periodically over the last two years. Every time afterwards I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. I've also seen hentai depicting underage people and once or twice PMO'd to a hentai comic depicting a female babysitter on an underage male. I want to make it clear I've never sought that type of material I just happened to come across it, nor am I attracted to that material or to children in any way. it brings me extreme shame to think that I could have PMO’D to that hentai. It makes me wonder if I am a monster. I think I like to see women or depictions of women having sex in taboo ways It's never male on female for taboo stuff. But that doesn't stop me from feeling like absolute filth. its been some time since I've viewed anything scarring like that but I've been extremely paranoid recently about what would happen if for some reason this stuff about me came out or got leaked. What my friends and family would think about me, how it would affect my life. I feel I would be completely ostracized from society. I'm so disappointed in myself for allowing this to become what it is today, for letting it take control of my life like this. I've felt suicidal and felt like my porn addiction and the things I've seen say something about me and my character. Deep down I know none of this is me its a malignant tumor thats been growing for years. I just want my life back and some semblance of peace.
The good news is that you are not alone. There are so many people that struggle with certain facets of this addiction. Some struggle with the same things you do, others struggle with different things. The point is that we all hate that we do it and would do just about anything to keep it hidden. More good news is that there is help available! In MANY different forms!! There is CSAT therapy, the SA 12 step program, podcasts, websites, books, articles...the list goes on and on. You CAN stop. You can beat this addiction and get a win, but you have to WORK for it! If you don't take the time and put in the work, it's a pretty safe bet that you'll downward spiral into this addiction until you look back on the days when underage porn and bestiality was all you did.
