Alone in this whole universe

I was a beautiful boy as a child. Everyone loved me back then. Never thought I'm gonna end up here.
When my face and voice began to change during puberty people started avoiding me and making fun out of me. Guess that was the time I began to feel more lonely day by day ever since.
In high school I loved physics and astronomy and I was good at it and didn't care this much about these problems.
When I came to university everything got worse. I always think about others. How they think about me, how they mock me and the worst thought is that everyone is with a girl and I'm just not able of that. It's all over my head. I lost interest in my lessons and can't concentrate on anything anymore no matter what I do. There is some kind of sadness that is always with me I can't get rid of it and it doesn't let me enjoy anything in my life.
How could I be free?

 

This summarizes me perfectly. I've sacrificed everything for academics (without knowing I did it). After three years of college, filled with pornography, loneliness, and one of the top students on campus...I look back and think, was this supposed to happen? Did I make the right decision? Was it worth it?

You should PM me, we would make great accountability partners.

 

Hey man, I'm feeling pretty down myself, the girl I had been going out with dropped me tonight.

Life is tough my man, it'll throw you to the ground and kick you while you're on the ground. As humans we are naturally very impatient and when life is giving us a thrashing we just want it to stop. Sometimes it last years. The only advice that I can give you is to get back up on your feet and keep trying. I was never the coolest kid in high school even though I was on the basketball and golf team, I've always felt like the black sheep, and it seems you feel similarly. Take life one day at a time and try to make each day a little better than the last, you do that enough times in a row and you'll see that things get better.

Hang in there brother, we're all here for you.

 

Your username tells me that you are a stargazer and child of the universe. You are not alone in the universe, you ARE the universe! Star stuff as Sagan called it. One of my favorite videos on YouTube is by Philhellenes, called Science Saved My Soul. Watch that and see if it helps you get some perspective.

You know about entropy and thermodynamics... everything changes, nothing is permanent. This is true with your situation too brother. Brighter days are ahead, if you're willing to put some energy into the process. Just breathe and think about all the incredible things that had to happen in 13.8 billion years in order to make this moment possible. It's a gift. Use it wisely.

 

I'm sick and tired of this life.
It's like a chain, failures cause more failure and this goes on forever.
If this time doesn't wotk out I'll suicide.
I'll be forever in hell anyway.

 

You know, I feel the same away at times. Failure after failure, born like this, powerless against the hand I have been dealt with. Even now after I've quit pornography and masturbation, a need found loneliness remains, one I can't run from. Will I forever be an outsider? I guess so

But why didn't I commit suicide? Because if I do, then they win. They'll laugh and move on. They'll sweep me under the rug as that "weirdo" or "oh that guy." I can't live on like that.
I found my purpose in life, to become a doctor and provide for my family, even if it comes at the cost of my own happiness. I believe depression comes from the fact that you don't have a future to look forward to and that you feel powerless against what life will through at you.

My best advice is to embrace the pain, turn it into something else. Sure, everyone is partying, getting drunk, hooking up, while I stay home and study in my lonely room. At least I'll go on and have a job. At least I have a future in the adult world. If you think you are suffering now, believe me, it will get better. You just have to keep moving forward, as soon as you find out what that is.

Last time I replied to this thread, I could barely make it to 5 days. Look at me now.

 

I don't care what they'll call me when I'm dead.
I could study before but I can't do it anymore.
I even failed the exam that every idiot scored high in.
All the wishes and purposes I had once, they have fade away.
When I find myself imagining about my dream there's just a voice in my head screaming you can't have it.
This one last journey is my only hope to succeed once in my life. If I fail again I'd rather continue failing on the other side.

 

You're a slave to your own desires. I've never had anything, I've been alone my entire life. But even I can't fantasize anymore. I choose to live in the real world and embrace the pain. Many can't. Do as you like, but to me suicide is the easy way out.

 

I too am a loner and had to learn to take care of myself from a very young age. One of life's best kept "secrets" is to fully accept and to fully embrace pain. I could never feel any joy simply because I learned to suppress emotion because everything to me was always dark and grim so what was the point? We think we're suppressing only the bad stuff, but we end up suppressing everything. You can't have the good without the bad and vice-versa. The people that have a charming lover in their life will suffer greatly when the partner finally dies. Same thing if you have a pet that you adore. But if you're dying of thirst, nothing tastes better than that first drink of water that quenches it. Pain eventually becomes joy and joy eventually becomes pain. Embrace it and then you'll have room in your life for love, joy, and happiness.

 

I agree with those who tell you that you have to embrace pain. "we cannot change anything unless we accept it" as C G Jung said. And its true. The ironic twist is that the acceptance will make things disappear. Not complaining about them. Its the extroversion that lead to nothing ("how do people perceive me") cause its something we cant control. Never. So its not being passive, its not being masochistic, it means to be realistic if one accepts that life is fundamentally NOT as we want to be it. And this counts as well for those that we perceive as perfect. I can remember reading an article about a gorgeous girl that killed herself: super hot, everyones darling, succesfull in sports and schools.... You never know the inside. One mans fun is another ones hell: if you i.e. take the decision to study hard-sciences you surely did end up in a typical geek-world; not exactly the environment of those that are supposed to be "popular" (at university etc). Sure. But then again, what if you would have studied some fancy stuff with lots of girls? Quite often these are subjects where you i.e later lack the security to get a good job...all has its two sides...
When people say they are sick of life, they usually mean they are sick of themselves. Its up to ourself if this tiredness is the begining to a new step, if it just introduces the process of shedding one`s skin, or not.
You talk about your dream, but you dont ask if it is legitimated. I saw a lot of people (including myself) suffereing from wrong assumptions, wrong ideals, wrong aims...wrong dreams. Illusions. Of course life itself is disapointing when you meassure it on the wrong scale. But then you must look for a new one (scale - not life. Suicide is the idea to exchange life with death). The thing we usually dont question are our dreams and desires etc. It feels as if they are "normal" - but they aint, they make us vulnerable, a puppet on a string. This whole forum is a result of that fact that we can easily get enslaved by pictures (= porn, just the embodiement of wrong assumptions, a weird ideal, about how sex etc should be).

 

So the last journey ended with failure.
I apologize to myself.
Bye.

 

If you have seen my posts here, you have probably noticed that I have the exact same problems as you.

Here's how I'm dealing with them currently:

First of all, accept your situation.
Unless you truly see and accept the truth of your situation, you cannot fix anything.

When I say accept I'm not just saying accept what's bad, accept what's good too.

Next step:
Focus on only one aspect at a time.
Right now, I'm focused on changing my mentality from negative to positive.

In order to do that, I gave up junk food, video games, pmo, everything that could create negativity. I started taking walks, and reading good books.

It hasn't made any major difference yet, but I'm sure it will at some point.

So once I feel like my negativity is dealt with, I can start focusing on other things that also matter.

And I'm not saying you should completely stop doing all other things while you're dealing with new thing. You have to deal with everything at once, but focus more on one thing that you find important at the moment.

I know how you feel man.
Yesterday I was out on a walk when I saw a bunch of couples and I felt that way too.
I even came home and cried about it.

But you gotta realise that our lives unfortunately aren't Hollywood romantic movies where everything works out magically in the end. If anything has to change, we have to change it.

Good luck for your streak. If you want to talk you can PM me anytime