Alive but feeling like dying

I am now 42 years old, married and we have a child. Back during my childhood, youth and adulthood: My mother plays a significant role in the (negative) development of my life. She was victimized by her own mother, rejected and verbally abused. As a consequence, she did the same to me. Often I felt so lonely and rejected. Nobody understood me. When I was 16, a friend confronted me with the fact that I did not have yet any sexual experience. So, I decided to tasted the first time in my life how it is to have an orgasm through masturbation. A little later, I watched a video tape of my brother and was surprised that this was a porn movie. For many years I watched then porn movies, since I became a Christian. For 7 years I was able to stop the habit of masturbation. But since I have internet access and when I am alone the terrible feeling of loneliness comes over me and again I was trapped in the habit of watching porn’s. Now, I am still in that terrible situation of doing it, and I often wish to die! I hate it but I have nobody who is helping me. Sometimes, I ask myself what life is this and why I am born without hope of an end!

 

yes, that is really an important point to make sure that my child will NEVER go through that same situation. the comment is the way how i feel as someone who is feeling like in a trap without any hope. thank you for your encouragement. i am happy that this portal is existing! even you are just 17, you could be a blessing for others. so let us stay in contact, all of us need each other!