Advice

Hey didn't know where in the forum to post this but just looking for advice/if anyone been in a similar position. I don't know what is causing my issues.

I'm in my 30's. So I don't consider that I have ever been "addicted" to porn. I have obviously used it at varying levels throughout my life. I have never been at the stage to watch it everyday or feel that I am addicted though. I got divorced (could be a factor) and went on self-improvement including nofap and SR. I did about 3 months. I tried dating apps for a while. I then had about 6 months of just me and not looking for a partner (I think this really helped me - in that now I know I am fine on my own - this was big for me as I got with the woman who became my wife when I was like 18 so I was not used to being on my own).

The position now - I got with this woman. It's been about 4 weeks so early stages and not "official". Although we matched on an app, we already knew each other but probably hadn't seen each other for 2+ years. So it was always a bit different in that respect - I wasn't meeting a stranger.

Anyway I've had a few problems in the bedroom department. Mainly in getting and maintaining an erection. I am an anxious person generally which doesn't help. Might sound daft but this is all at her house and I'm anxious about silly things like going for a number 2 in front of her (haha) and that kind of thing. So I know that I struggle to fully relax. I'm finding that I have to think about porn or a "scene" to get turned on enough to climax. I tried using a bit of porn and it helped me on the next occasion as I had a few "scenes" in my head. So it's thrown me into limbo. Is porn helping me or hindering me. Am I more addicted than I though? I don't feel I need porn I successfully cut it out but I just want to be able to perform for real. She hasn't raised the subject yet but it's obvious at times that I can't penetrate her because I'm not hard enough. It's been a bit hit and miss. I struggle more with penetration and seem to enjoy oral more. With penetration if I don't get it in quickly or if I delay ejaculation then I go soft. Equally a few times when having sex I have climaxed really quickly (thinking that is better than it going soft). So I'm at the stage where I don't know what is working and what isn't. Should I cut out all porn? Are other factors affecting me like divorce, stress, anxiety? Just don't know where to go from here. I'm attracted to this woman she is my type (slim, petite). A few times in the bedroom it has gone reasonably well, and a few times it's gone pretty badly.

I have always felt with every partner that sex gets better in time, feel more comfortable, more relaxed, know what each other like etc. But I feel I am having problems with getting and maintaining an erection. Sometimes I am really hard and then as it comes to putting it in I go soft. I get more turned on/hard from oral sex.

I don't think there is any physical problem. At one point I did (I was peeing a lot) but cut something out of my diet and it improved that issue. It must be psychological. Any tips on what I should do.

 

@StevenR That makes sense re the raising my sexual arousal. I should cut porn out all together as I know when I did so for many months I noticed improvement in confidence, talking to people generally and less anxiety. I remember masterbating years ago without any visuals too, it was all just in my head thinking about someone I liked or wanted to have sex with. Of course it was usually someone inappropriate like a mate's mum (ha).

I'm seeing someone now and I know from talking to her she has a high sex drive. Plus we have had sex or done something pretty much every time I have seen her.

When I first started nofap/SR my aim was to never watch porn again and never masterbate i.e. only climax when it is the real thing. So I guess my only question now is would masterbating (without any visuals) say on a weekly basis actually help me or hinder me? I'm wondering if it might help as then I know how to reach climax on the real event. I would say staying hard is more of a problem than climaxing though.

Trying to get to the bottom of this issue. Life events must have played a part (was with the same woman for 15yrs) so I was hugely comfortable with her in comparison to anyone else I have had sex with.

For now I'm pretty sure the woman is enjoying it. Penetration is the main problem, but I have made up for it with oral and hands.

 

Will cut out all porn. I deleted Tiktok the other day too as realised I was wasting time scrolling. While some videos are entertaining I don't want to be doing things to waste my time. I don't play video games anymore.

The convo came up with her. She likes penetration. Guess its in my head too that if this doesn't improve she isn't going to stick around. But at the start of an interaction I get hard, but then can't maintain it. Driving me crazy.