Obviously when i first start watching porn around the age of 12, it was very soft stuff, and it has now escalated to CBT porn which in short is punching kicking slapping and squeezing your balls / tying them up and watching (Cock and Ball Torture porn). I have even experimented to see what it's like for real by paying a dominatrix and it was a good experience until afterwards in the shower. I thought to myself what the fuck am i doing here why did you did this. i went to see her again 1 year later and had the same feeling. This time i wanted to try cum eating and kneeing my balls, like I'd seen in videos. In the end i couldnt handle her knees and after cumming i laughed at the thought of eating my cum. I told her it looked arousing in the video and she explained some of those videos are so extreme and unrealistic. When i asked her what i needed to do if i wanted to change she said to me the exact words " you need to rewire your brain," she went on to mention something about "not at your age visiting dominatrix"'s. I was 21 and now I'm 22. I was shocked as this was the exact same advice from nofap. Since then I've been battling this addiction and slowly been getting better i thought but after an online session with a goddess she made me eat my cum and I've done it a few times. Straight after cumming and the session I gagged and tried to vomit it out instantly regretting it. i just had another session an hour ago and i don't know what to do. I feel trapped and am starting to consider is this even something worth reversing or rather embracing. why fight it if it was meant to be?
Because IT WASN'T, see YOUR OWN WORDS: I'll bet that before porn, you never had the desire to eat cum or have your balls kneed! The good news: you are in the right place.
Yes but when i asked the Dom thus today she said " you found out things and you liked them". When i was 10-12 i remember something popping into my head of being a servant to a girl on my hands and knees. I don't know why it could have been triggered from abuse or something id seen on tv but this was before id ever started watching porn. Before i started i didn't have the desire to eat cum and kneeing etc but the do me suggests you tried something and liked it, what's the problem
This is so short, yet so profound. IMO, I think this applies to all of us - it sure rings a bell with me, and my kinks don't include Femdom or CBT at all.
Hey man, you've come to a good place. Like others have said, spend plenty of time reading other's stories and asking about your thoughts and issues, and you'll get a good start on how to get started on your reboot. One thing tho, please refrain from mentionning the specifics (names like those you use in the title, or the specifics of your sexual endeavors), because for many many they are TRIGGERS which hinder their own reboots and recovery. You can definitely mention all that but within a *spoiler* which people can choose to open or not. In titles, it may be dangerous for some Cheers. All the best to you
Got to understand the psychology that leads to this desire in the first place. I’ll take a stab in the dark and guess that your mother and father split up when you were young and your mother raised you. You have vowed not to be like your father?
Firstly, thanks for all the replies, Would be great if you could private message me the thread of the guy who went too far, i've had a search but had no luck. And i'll have a look at your journal. Do you think you could talk more about this "lust addiction" philosophy? Parents still together, and live together, so that can't be it. I was always hit when i was younger if i did something wrong, mainly by my father not so much my mother, if that could be related. I grew up with alot of insecurities as my parents forced the idea of me being different to others because of my skin colour, but that could also be unrelated. Thanks
Hey there. Just a thought, perhaps you can set your sights on what you truly want to get out of life - what do you want to achieve, what kind of human being do you want to develop into? At the moment it sounds as though you are orienting your thoughts and hopes towards getting a "hit" of sexual satisfaction. Shifting them to a greater purpose in life and loftier goals will help you know where you wanna be. I hope your highest goal isn't to get off to your balls being tortured. Best of luck bro
I went 20 days then today happened. Spoiler I paid for a session with a cam mistress, in the session i tasted bits of my cum on request for her, and luckily when i came, the urge to eat it all i was disgusted. After the session i told her that i wasn't going to see her again as i felt bad for doing what i did". She replied " what nooo, relax" I'm disappointed in myself that i'd gone 20 days and now juiced out all my essence. Prior to the session i'd been watching videos of femdom/fetish/cei porn the night before and even in a public starbucks , i isolated myself to watch it. I refrained from doing it at night by staying awake till 3am watching videos but in the end i somehow battled it. In the morning i was exicted to start watching videos then i paid for a cam session and the rest is history.
I've just had some sudden realizations in contemplation after my relapse. Firstly, after the session i tried to vomit and gag out the cum that i swallowed i didn't even consciously think about it too much but it's like my body was rejecting what i had just done. I feel like it's the same for this PMO/femdom addiction. To explain it better let's say you have 2 different personalities living inside you like the movie "split". Often when you're about to PMO or even during PMO you hear a lone voice quiet voice inside that knows what your doing is wrong but you choose to block it out instead going with the louder voice in your head to keep going. Similarly after PMO that lone quiet voice brings itself to the surface and in my case i was trying to vomit out the cum just because my body was rejecting what i had done but my mind had been taken over by this dark beast voice. Why was my body doing this? Vomitting is usually your body rejecting something you ingested, in this case, cum. I'll take a hunch it's probably not a good idea to do it if your body insta-vomitts it out even if your head tells you do it, more your brain. The nose comes from inside the brain, never the heart or gut. It's the wiring that's been ingrained. I messaged the cam mistress after her previous message saying " i think i have an addiction that i can't break free from and she replied" You can anytime, just treat it as fun, once you get a GF you will forget about this" i replied what do you mean and she replied "well i mean if you get a GF, you won't need to do this" 10 minutes later i came back to my skype to see she left another message 10 minutes later. "dont worry everything has an end, if you want for real you can control and not do this, is in your hands" The jist of what shes saying, if you really want to stop you can "control" and not do it anymore, it's in your hands.
Had been 7 days, i just pmo'd and ate cum and feel terrible, disappointed, regret, and annoyed . Not much more to say i guess.
