Addicted to Consciousness

Dear all

Welcome to my first thread, entitled, addicted to consciousness, as my name suggests.

I want this forum to be one of self improvement and idea sharing, that will push us all to improve, be our best and remain conscious to the moment, not the past where depression lies, or the future, where anxiety eats us alive...

If your ready for a long read, before I become conscious I will be honest and confess the reasons why I'm here. I warn you this may cause triggers but I must be honest...

At the age of 13, I was cycling on my paper round, when I stumbled upon my first ever porn magazine that was laid on the pavement with no one around. As I looked, at the first naked woman id ever seen, with her legs wide open, I couldn't wait to get home and FAP like crazy, over a magazine id secretly stashed in my paper bag. This doesn't sound like anything unusual and in many ways its not, but what would happen over the years to follow were my curiosity would see me seeking harder, dirtier and sordid material that would take me to places mentally and spiritually that I never had imagined. The word above secret is all important...

Ive had several girlfriends in my life and sex was never a problem, intimacy was fine, and I never struggled to perform, but what my girlfriends didn't know was what was going on behind closed doors. My secret..

Over the years it went from magazines, to movies, harder and harder. I travelled to sex shops in cities and looked for films that would excite me the most, travelling home I couldn't wait to watch..I developed a stockings/latex feitish from watching movies with this content type of content in, that was just by chance. I browsed casual encounters on craigslist for people with similar fetishes to me and enter chatrooms. This is all progressive over a period of 10 years, whilst being a functional adult within society.

My work took me abroad, to Berlin, Brussels and Amsterdam, where you can seek the most sordid sex parties, porn cinemas where groups of men FAP together, and without too much detail its fair to say I was indefinitely an addict, not only an addict but attracted to a sordid lifestyle...

At age 32 I found myself an addict, unable to control my urges and fed up as I consider myself a strong willed man when I want to conquer something, having played national league basketball, ran marathons, ironman, having a degree and have lived in New York, this should be easy right? its just FAPing?

Addiction does not care about these things! As long as you can continue with your day your a functioning addict..

Ive read many self help books over the years, have meditated, feel very spiritual and have reached a realisation that I must become addicted to feeling conscious.

Currently I have a beautiful girlfriend, who I wish to propose too, but cannot do that when I'm struggling with addiction. I generally mean I cannot do that to her, she deserves better, she is an amazing woman who has massively changed my life, having encouraged me to run marathons with her, be a good cook, inspired me to reach my work goals, she deserves the best! My goal is to reach the 90 days, reset and continue the rest of my life being conscious, present to the moment. Then and only then can I take the next steps in my life..

I feel like I've come a long way, the realisation that this step is necessary is already a big one. I commend anyone for reading this and being here.

I will post daily wisdom I read on spirituality, healing, living within the moment and also address addiction which is something Ive been reading heavily about, that were all in the same category, drug addicts, sex addicts food junkies. I find the concept that the world needs healing an interesting one.

Thank You for reading, wish me luck and to those of you who can relate, drop me a message anytime!

 

Day 2

Complete!

today I was very busy, as I had an important presentation that made me feel anxious due to lack of preparation, focus and my battle with PMO...

Im trying to pay close attention to triggers throughout the day, so I am fully aware, and can avoid them or at least be armed with the knowledge so I can make an informed decision.

My triggers today were as follows:(read with caution)

- When I awoke, I was turned on and lay there thinking about some nice experiences I've had (sexual). I deemed this healthy as it only brought happiness, and wasn't perverse but it could lead to M...Is this ok? I don't think so because this is living in the past, not the present..

- I drove past a place where people meet in their cars, a seedy country road and this is a trigger I must avoid...

- Late night on the laptop alone is a dangerous time. Luckily I'm on here opposed to somewhere else...

If anyones reading i would appreciate someones personal views on triggers. Thanks for reading, and congratulations for being here and being addicted to the present moment and improving yourself daily

 

Day 4

I found it a little easier when I don't focus on days, just one day at a time, trying to be the best I can be, going running in the morning and working on self improvement..

I just read an interesting post on living vicariously through movies, social media, other people...

The goal is to Create a Life that’s More Exciting Than What You See in Movies, Dramas, and Games, why not have people refer to you as, the guy who ran a marathon, or an ironman, or the charismatic one. This can only be brought about by real actions!

good day all...time to crack on living!

 

Day 5

Although I don't think counting days particularly helps, its nice to reach day 5 and the weekend.

I came dangerously close to PMO yesterday, after a my girlfriend came home for lunch when I was working from home. We had a frisky moment but nothing sexual, but when she left I was willing and eager to PMO. Its interesting because I never saw this coming as a trigger. I added it to my list of things to be wary of, because I also found feelings of anger, pent up sexual frustration that were all brought on by wanting/needing sex like some pre historic chimpanzee. This is the year 2016 correct me if Im wrong. We must live beyond the animalistic self and we mustn't be the ones succumbing to urges which cost us our relationships and have the possibility to dictate the way we act and treat each others.

It also strange because whilst I feel I have the urge to PMO, I don't feel like my sex drive is super high? all be it normal, sex 2-3 times per week is more than enough to satisfy me. Id be interested in other opinions on sex drive.

Everyday our actions are analysed is one day closer to a greater understanding of our triggers, our urges, how these are effecting people around us, how they are potentially stopping us from living our dreams and being in the apex of reality, meaning our best self, the best version of ones being....

We have been told that freedom is the ability to pursue petty, trivial desires when true freedom is freedom from these petty, trivial desires.

I wish to be free from these fake, digital, pixilated desires that are not real and be in line with the truth, reality. This is how to become addicted to being conscious.

I won't be signing in over the weekend, but i wish everyone reading a PMO free weekend, because to put it rather simply, they're always the best!

 

Day 6

Im winning!

 

Day 7

The sun is shining and I'm about to go on a 15k Run, followed by cooking a huge sunday dinner for some friends.

Live live to the fullest and stay addicted to the present moment!

 

Day 8

The start to a new week. Its 9am and I've already been on a 10k ran, had a great breakfast and I feel good..

its important to start the day right if were going to succeed, the morning also includes 20 minutes of affirmation of good things I've achieved in my life..

After a good start to the day, the day spirals on the correct direction of positivity, I feel that this is of the upmost importance to staying strong, everything has a knock on effect.

Ive noticed my triggers, even the small ones that eventually lead to somewhere that I don't want to go, on the flip side they're are positive triggers, things that will always serve us well. Lets use this as anchors and spiral in the right direction...

lets have a good week all!

 

Relapse - Day 1

Hi All

I had a relapse yesterday after Edging on P. I didn't PMO, but regardless I will have to reset my counter as it doesn't feel right to continue. I feel bad for letting anyone reading this feed down.

I felt I was doing quite well on day 8, but kind of convinced myself that a quick view of half nude pictures is ok. It most certainly is not and will only lead to trouble for me and a relapse.

Courage to all!

 

Day 2

Hi all

Im feeling strong today, strong on part of my journey, which is a rocky road but I feel I am learning a lot about myself, the way that PMO effects me, my moods and my relationships, and a lot about the triggers that surround me on a daily basis, that we all must be largely aware of and try and counteract with positivity as hard as that may seem at times.

Just to clarify some points, il go through things that seem to be helping me, all be it rich coming from a guy on day 2...but here goes

- Running in the morning, kickstarts the day in the correct direction
- Going to bed earlier, to read. Getting good sleep increases willpower in general and your mood is more controllable.
- Daily interaction or diary/log on NoFap
- Cooking new meals, from scratch
- Something social, twice per week, be it meeting a friend or going out for a drink. For me this always help because I always want to be in an optimum state of mind and I know PMO does the opposite of that.
- A list of triggers, no matter how big or small. Whether its a thought or an urge, write it down. For me one thing leads to another and Im becoming more aware of the smaller triggers, that lead to the big ones, where perhaps they're could be a point of no return. Even If I look at P nowadays, I feel tremdous guilt and a feeling of why cant I do this? It seems so ridiculous which leads to my next point..
- This addiction is real. Im acknowledged that and Im aware, its no laughing matter and we shouldn't shrug this off. Its serious, therefore, take conquering it serious.

Il leave you with one last quote with regards to triggers...

"Where does it Lead you, and where does it leave you?"

If the feeling is sad, lonely, horny....refrain. If the feeling is happy, proud, then proceed!

 

Thanks buzzlightyear, its nice to know someone out there is following, and thanks for the advice. I actually did just look, but it lead to touching and I realised that looking for me is too much, as I then could be took down a route of wasting hours of time looking, which is the last thing I want. Your correct about the useless images though, its just frustrating yourself like dangling a donut in front of your mouth...why would you do that lol?

Keep up the good work!

 

This is a great idea,I actually started doing this as I was fed up with the adverts and information, but its true you can format it to receive the updates you want (mostly) from inspiring sources. For m FB is too much of an aggressive cut as its how I do keep in touch with the majority of my friends...

 

Day 3

I want to refrain from saying how well I'm doing, but I feel great. I've relapsed so many times, but this time round facing it seems different. I have more realisations, I'm more present and aware than ever before. I can be a very stubborn person, and also very determined in my professional life, so Im trying to carry this through into beating addiction.

I don't want to struggle through though, rather, be at peace, or at ease with myself. I certainly don't think its a positive sign to struggle through life, the realisation should be there, that PMO is destructive, but were hardwired to think otherwise which is where the battle becomes tricky...

I remember a time (a long while ago) when Id never seen a naked woman, or P and id never PMO'd. I was young, and fun and carefree and curious, and innocent. I had a certain energy about me. I was also present, not thinking about the past, which one can deem depressing or the future, which can create anxiety if you are a worrier. Id like to revisit this special time of adolescent being, and experience this now. The thing is people, noticeably women, are so intuitive, that they can detect whats going on in your mind, through sub communication (mostly body language) because if we repress emotions, such as guilt, anxiety, this comes out in our interactions with people. By revisiting this period I hope to create a new aura surrounding the way I interact, sorry if this is too deep but I know people will understand what I mean...

Ive already noticed a couple of things which make my sub communication better

- Im proud of the way I'm currently living my life
- I no longer have to delete the history of my internet browsing
- Im more present, alert, awake, my concentration is better
- I have nothing to hide, I'm a good man, with good intentions

These points are the feedback Im gaining from a life without PMO.

Keep up the good work, keep progressing in the right direction and if you do fail, then retry and every day is a step closer to improving yourself!

 

Hey Shuttlesworth (the only Shuttlesworth I know is from "he got game" love that film)

I like what you say about the fact that you never deserve a peek at sexual images, for which your totally right. Il check out k9, if necessary but I feel for me, personally its something that I'm gonna have to a battle with straight up, no web blockers, still keeping Facebook, leading a relatively normal life just armed with the information and willpower that PMO is out of my life for good. Wel see, because Im aware this is definitely not a cold turkey scenario that works.

Its good to meet a Russell Brand fan, i miss checking the trews everyday, that guy makes me howl!

 

Thanks for the video, I have indeed seen it, but some time ago and its good to be reminded and good for it to be there, within this feed. Jesus from He Got Game! I love that film, and I actually play a lot, having played national league in England, which doesn't mean a great deal because they're pretty bad at basketball, but I love it!

Ive also seen this clip, about the harms of sex....I like what he says at the very end.."be careful with your soul" this rings true for me, I feel we must all be careful, particularly myself as Im quite a sensitive person, as we all are deep down once we swipe away our bravado...