About to be 30 and still alone. Your opinion on how to solve that ?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Lesoldat, May 14, 2016.

  1. Lesoldat

    Lesoldat Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys,

    To make it simple i feel i'm lucky, really, like i have everything in life (good job, ok money, my own house, awesome family). Thing is i don't seem to solve the problem of the social aspect of my life. I'm about to be 30 and it's been almost three years i haven't had a girlfriend. I had two or three dates since then but nothing else. I approached recently one girl in the street and had great moment but the girl was just trouble in the end.

    I have few friends, some are engaged, with babies and stuff. Others don't but i don't have a deep connection with them, like you know that relation you have when you feel like it's family, have confidence in them and share about a lot of things (also insecurities), trustfull men i mean.

    I don't have many opporunities to meet girls at the moment. In my social circle it's a damn competition when there's the presence of girls. I don't want to be part of the fight of who'll show off the best. That's just not my type. I'm not the kind who try to impress and create a imaginary extraordinary life.

    At work there's only men. So i decided to hit the streets and approach girls, that's hard but i'm questionning myself about the fact that i need this to meet girls.

    Do some of you have advices ?
    Maybe i'm too much focused on the fact that i want to meet someone ? The time goes so quick i don't want to end up alone. This is actually the only reason i feel temptation sometimes to watch porn because having sex with real women is just so complicated right now.. but i'm not addicted. I guess i can stop whenever i want.

    What do you think ?
     
  2. jfromcr

    jfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Hey Lesoldat,

    I was 28 when I got married for the second time, so you are not out of the race just yet. I would recommend that you find something that you're interested in and devote your time to that. The more you live life the more you will come into contact with people of shared interest.

    As far as the competitive social gatherings, this is pretty normal but most women can see through the fog of testosterone. So, be yourself.
     
  3. thisguy1

    thisguy1 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry man, this ain't my area of expertise because I've never reached this age, but I'll take a stab at it.
    What my parents do is make friends at work and that's a good way to start. Or even better, you can try to contact your childhood friends if you can. My family attends community events, maybe you can try that.
    Sorry if I sound naive, I'm still pretty young.
     
  4. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    I think you are doing the right thing by approaching woman. Of course, it is always going to be easier to approach woman in a bar than straight out cold approach on streets. With the street, look for the 'warm' approach, where a woman gives you some sign of interest, then jump at it. Be primed ready to go and Nofap will help you a lot there.

    For the bars, find a good mate aka 'wingman'. Approach the girls who are in sets of two. Then do your thing. Simples.

    Anecdote:
    This Friday night was out with a few mates. Three woman sat at the table next to ours. I sensed they had noticed us, and had deliberately sat there on the off chance we would talk to them [woman will always put themselves in your 'orbit' if they are interested]. I noticed one girl in particular look over a couple of times and smile. When returning with a beer I made a point of chinking glasses with them... on the way back to my own seat! Then I watched for an opportunity, which came soon enough... the tables all had small glasses of salty stick things to eat with your beer. I raised one of these for some reason... a woman met the gesture.. I rushed over to chink these glasses with some humour... got talking... left them again! later when they were leaving, I got up and asked for the number. Texted, date organized for next weekend.

    In sum, just be yourself, be observational, have fun, have a laugh.... but also be "aggressive".... you are not out to get drunk but to meet a woman.

    Women can also be aggressive. I found myself wondering this morning why I had not got the number of the second woman of the same group I mentioned, whose figure I was a little more attracted to. Thinking about it, I realized that as soon as I engaged the first woman, she was extremely open and warm to me... to the point of putting her hand on my arm eight times! I can see now that was her way of keeping my attention, and competing against her friends! And it worked. ha ha.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2016
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  5. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Also get involved in other hobbies, salsa dancing classes, gym classes, language lesson classes. In fact there are a lot of options available to you. The cold approach on the street is ballsy but it's sometimes weird. I picked up a girl on the way to work who used to catch my bus a few years ago. Got her number and we hung out a few times.

    Overall just get yourself being social a lot more then you are now. And work on your health and fitness so you're in the best shape you can be.
     
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  6. Lesoldat

    Lesoldat Fapstronaut

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    First guys thanks for participating and giving advices i appreciate your help.

    *jfromcr- It seems your life has been very movemented. You must be good looking and a very active person (even professionnally i guess). Honestly i don't really know.. i love many stuff but one thing that i want to invest more in and allow me to meet many people.. what is your thing ? In my opinion you're the kind of person, as many of my friends and people in general who is fully socially "inserted", getting married before 30/kids and stuff. I must be a inbetweener, i was since a long time and i feel like i'll be for long sadly.

    *Thisguy1- Don't worry about trying, your ideas are good and i have a proof of this. Recently i suscribed for a 10km run and honestly the people participating were really friendly and welcoming. Also there was nice girls. So even if i don't want to run that much because i try to gain weight and muscle this is obvious that community events are great to meet people.
    The fact is that i'm not really trusting in friendship anymore. In life generally, unless you're lucky you will change your frequentation regularly. Connect and establish trustfull relation with people is hard i found, it's even more true when you get older. What about you ? you're doing good socially ?

    *Buzzlightyear - Great pieces of advices i can see you have great game knowledges/experience.
    I agree that it's easier to approach in a bar but i think you have to work harder for results because of the environnement. Her friends with whom she won't assume and won't be judge if she shows too much interest too quick, cockblock, etc. Also i don't have proper wingman i can trust, the men with whom i have done this the past times are selfish, show no principles, still a competition feeling and hate this.
    Good job on your close in the bar, that was smooth, too bad you didn't hit the one you fancy the most. But why, you were conscious she was trying to get your attention so why !? lol. Lesson learned for the next time ;) What did you purposed for the first date (coffee ?)

    Let's summarize why i prefer the street:
    -No other men for competition, (few men do this actually)
    -You don't spend as much money as in bars to meet girls,
    -More variety of girls (profile/quality),
    -Grow the confidence more (doing direct compliments take balls, but i feel it's getting easier and easier).
    -When you go out with friends you focus on your friends,
    -No drunk game,

    Bad points are:
    -The way you look count much more (I'm actually questionning myself about my look..),
    -If you hit small cities people will notice you that's a fact,
    -I hate to go out just to picking up women (that's why i'll do this to erase my fear of approach during short period and reduce to only do this during my normal day in the futur, no pick up session anymore),
    -Running after a girl. When you make a proper stop you have to run sometimes. Stopping them from the front is the worst way to approach,
    -Even if i know people aren't really judging in crowded places, i still struggle a bit with this.

    I love the fact that i don't need no one to meet the girls i find attractive. But i admit my main problem is i have a real lack of confidence sometimes, i think other men are better than i am. I'm affraid to introduce my friends to the girls i date because i'm thinking she will fancy more one of them. But a girl will be attracted if you have an active social life, if i date one and she sees i don't have many people coming my place and that i don't go out that much she'll think "gosh that is a boring life i don't want to share or live in". See my point ?
    In my job i'm travelling a lot and that is also a problem for me, i'm pretty sure it will give me bad times to find a girl who will accept that and stay anyway. The time goes fast and i shouldn't but in my mind i think i'm already too old. Actually i have many limiting beliefs that pushes me to get a bit depressed in the end.
     
  7. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    No, the only one who consciously tried to get my attention was the one I talked to. She was the one I responded to and engaged with. In a sense, she opened us and made the approach super comfortable.

    Now before I could engage with the rest of the group, in order to find out who I was most attracted to, she kept me focused on her with her warmness and body contact. The fact that she managed to do this, showed a certain savvyness on her part; she 'out-gamed' me. With a good few minutes conversation and flirting between us, and then a strategic retreat, I was pretty much 'committed' to her. I may have been able to get to know the other one I also found attractive... but only if they had stayed longer.

    First date? NOT coffee. Organized for Saturday night, and will take her for a quiet drink at a bar.
     
  8. overcomefap

    overcomefap Guest

    Your nearly 30? Well I am someone nearly 42 and still single for god knows how long. BTW it is not unusual for people in their 30s to find their life long partner. Develop new interests where you can have opportunites to meet girls. Go to dance classes and most dance classes I have been to, women outnumber men. In addition there are more women at church than men too. Another approach is looking up at meetup.com and finding an activity to meet you and opportunities to meet the opposite sex.
     
  9. vulture175

    vulture175 Fapstronaut

    @christian0101 : Does it sound weird if I have thought of living alone forever?
     
  10. overcomefap

    overcomefap Guest

    No vulture, I have thought of living alone for the rest of my life as I see the older I get the less likely it seems I will get a partner.
     
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  11. Lesoldat

    Lesoldat Fapstronaut

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    Christian 101 - Thanks for advices. Dance is a good idea i like it, i'll see what i can do. Also i'll add that even i'm sometimes depressed because of being single, i finally accepted it. BUT i'm aware i have things to change in myself to get better or even being more attractive. First try to improve the more i can the way i look, love myself more, frequent more venues with girls, going out when i have the opportunity, and maybe the MOST important.. TAKE MY CHANCES.

    Guys i know people who found love in their 60's and older. If you still want it you could too. Just do whatever it takes. You seem like good people and smart enough to take the right initatives.
     
  12. melancholy king

    melancholy king Fapstronaut

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    you haven't had a GF in 3 years and you're worried? please.

    I could understand if you were someone that has never been with anyone or something along those lines, however, it just sounds like you are trying to make something that is temporary into something that is permanent, and there is no reason to believe that.

    If you had luck with the ladies before, then I see no reason why you wouldn't now. Also, that whole business about not wanting to compete is kind of BS to me. Many girls love that kind of thing, even if they have their eyes set on only one man already, it just feels nice to be given attention ya know? I doubt you'll have to fight another man to do the death just over a woman, unless you feel insecure, I don't see any reason why the idea of competing is all that bad for you.
     
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  13. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Is there a dog park nearby? Adopt a dog from the shelter and meet new people there.
    Pet people tend to be good people! That is if you like dogs. :)
     
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  14. Lesoldat

    Lesoldat Fapstronaut

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    Well yeah i guess i'm worried. Balding can be a reason ? Even many people can't accept that looks matter when it comes to dating.

    In my opinion... Girls between 15 and 27 look for a beautifull man to make pictures and make jalous girlfriends while having "stories" to tell,
    Girls between 28 and 40... as they get older they look for a man with more confortable criteria (wealth, career, house, new daddy for the kid(s),
    And Ladies over 40.. well.. uhh.. they just buy a dog.
    Huhu.. just kidding :D

    Seriously i don't like competition because it's just not my style to show off like "i'm stronger/smarter/funnyer than him, they're my friend but fuck them they're just a bunch of pussies you should look at ME". It's maybe exaggereted but when there's no girls we don't act that way so why playing a role and "fight" with friends just to get a girl attention ?
    I'm not innocent but come on we're adult. But i agree IT WORKS.. damn these girls nowadays..
     
  15. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    I'm 45 and my bf is 32... Your stereotypes are just that stereotypes.
    We are madly in love!
     
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  16. Lesoldat

    Lesoldat Fapstronaut

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    I said i was kidding ;) wish you all the happiness for your relationship.
     
  17. L Coroneos

    L Coroneos Fapstronaut

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    @Lesoldat It sounds like you've got everything going for you: job, place of abode, good family relations, and if you've dated before then you have experience as well. So you should be more optimistic, because you are well-prepared for a relationship.

    It's easiest to meet women at work or school. Other than that I don't know, but I agree with what others have said about you needing to be patient. Sometimes relationships can begin in the most bizarre locations -- I was once picked up for a fling by an attractive married woman in a liquor store. She just approached me, just like that. So yeah, I'm sure something will happen for you eventually, but if you are impatient you will need to be more aggressive in your approach and actually try to arrange dates with women out of the blue, and that takes a lot of confidence and you need to be prepared to accept rejection at the same time. But keep at it.

    I'm 31, unemployed, no house of my own, but I've never felt more ready for a girlfriend because I can see my future as positive and successful thanks to my progress in noFap (I celebrated 60 days clean today). You just have to have the right mindset, and if you do, chances are good fortune will serendiptiously come to you.
     
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  18. Lesoldat

    Lesoldat Fapstronaut

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    Hi buddy,
    I agree i don't have real reason to complain, even if i'm single since three years (with 2-3 dates in between) i feel quite good about myself but i admit i'm not always optimistic that's true. It's also very true that sometimes things happen when you don't expect it at all. But with the way i live right now, mostly work and less going out it's a bit more difficult, then at the moment i'm trying to find interesting stuff to do to meet people during the week end.. sports, events.. i thought about getting a job as a waiter or barman in a club or pub just for the week end i'll see what is possible.

    Very good work for the 60 days you must feel good about it don't you ? i once attended a good streak as well and look forward to strike it again.
    As you said, i'm sure it's all in our head, if you think you're ready and feel good about yourself this is just a matter of time. I believe confidence and a bit of agressivity is the key.. but by getting older i start to focus and worry about my look (balding and stuff) and this is not a right mindset to be perceived as attractive.. Anyway this will not stop me for cold approach whenever i'm attracted by a gorgeous girl ;)
    What about you ? do you meet often women ? what are you priorities at the moment ? getting a job ?
     
  19. L Coroneos

    L Coroneos Fapstronaut

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    I do feel good about my streak (or, "milestone") and I wrote a success story about it to see if it would help anyone else. There's a few pointers and tips on there, you may or may not find it useful to read.

    At the moment I am looking at studying at GSIT (Great Southern Institute of Technology) to get what is known as a Certificate III in Information Technology. Work is number one priority, then a house is number two, then a woman is number three: "no money, no honey" ;)

    I meet a few women here at this backpackers hostel where I am living at the moment. One of them was quite pretty and came up and started talking to me on Saturday night. I'm still learning to relate to women on a non-sexual level and to treat them as fellow human beings. If I meet the right one, then I will start dating. But I'm not in any hurry. :)
     
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  20. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

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    I like this thread and think there is a lot of good advice. I would like to approach women in the street. My worry is that if I go looking for women I am attracted to, I don't know what I am attracted to. I have been so number by PMO I can't tell the difference between objectification and attraction. Can anyone help?
     

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