A year later...(Report)

The time now is 1916hrs, I am at home in my room feeling fresher than I was before because of the shower that I had earlier, also made my room and my bed a little bit tidier, I think doing that has given me morale to sit down and start this thread even though I do from time to time make my bed (depends). Lately I have been dull like for the past few months I haven't been able to function like I'm supposed to, actually ever since the year started it has been somehow similar but I think that now it's more intense. Everything feels like a chore even the simplest of tasks that involve the people closest to me feels like a big deal for me which wasn't the case before and the fact that I know about it makes it even more unbearable.

It has been a year plus since I joined the NoFap community around July, I came to this forum with the intentions of improving my life by getting rid of certain unhealthy habits for beneficial ones for which I can say right now I haven't been able to fully attain yet, although what I can say is it has been a journey (still is). A lot has happened in that duration that I think is valuable and will be, before coming here I didn't have an idea that PMO is not so healthy for consumption especially for the mind but I had a clue that something was a miss just wasn't sure what was it though (still think I am). I started to notice a few things in my life when I was really PMOing more that it started to interfere with my day to day to do's, the first signs that I noticed now that I know about it, was in my social life. My relationships with other people stopped being authentic to me even during the interactions it kinda felt abnormal for me and sometimes I felt like the other person didn't feel authentic about the interaction and also felt like something was up with me (I think that's the guilt trip of PMO).

The other signs that I also noticed were with myself, first of all I wasn't myself (obviously). I wasn't humane enough and hadn't connected truly with the world around me, there are certain things that I did to myself and others without any conscious consent of what was happening like for example when I would go out and about I started to feel anxious when I was around people thinking everyone's looking at me also I started to overthink about the smallest things and life in general and be so much in my head like at times I'd find myself talking to myself like have a REAL conversation back and forth with myself then would end it mid-way after noticing, even objectifying people when it only matters to me or when there's something in for me.

What made me become consciously aware of what was happening was when I stumbled information on the internet about porn after sometime of trying to find out what was up with me (cause I felt like I had lost my 'mojo') and some effort-fully investment in consulting various sources, I can't clearly remember the where, what or word for word about the info (can't blame me, *shrugs) but what I do remember was that watching porn had detrimental effects on the watcher's life. So after seeing that I kinda felt obliged to find out more and so I did, with some more effort into it I stumbled upon NoFap in relation to porn. I recall downloading a pdf document that was like an introduction to NoFap lifestyle it had everything I was looking for at the time. Eureka! I had hit the jackpot (wish it'd happen for real though). It had information about porn with relation to one's life in general, I read through it and it was from there that I became aware of porn and everything about it in my life before that I had no idea that it was changing and messing me up.

I feel like when I became knowledgeable of porn and it's influence in my life it kinda made it worse cause in my opinion what you don't know doesn't hurt you right? I would end up think about it almost every single minute, sometimes I end up overthinking it and you know what overthinking does to someone .Till to this date it still happens and due to that I've always felt like I have a dark stormy cloud above my head just blocking me from the sunshine that I deserve or I think I should be getting (at least). Now that I know what was the miss was, dealing with it has now become something else at the moment, it looks like I’m handling things inappropriately. Although I try so hard to present an image of a chap who has his stuff together I am totally opposite of that and I don't know for how long I can keep this act cause it's starting to be a burden that is becoming too much to cope with especially the lies oh the web of lies that I created and entangled myself in have become unbearable, too much for me that I'm always on the run from them. I have become a product of my actions, my consequences and my world, I feel not so pure, dark and twisted my mind feels so "clustered" with thoughts and pressure of life.

Right now am at a state where I feel hopeless about my situation, drained of my energy, I'm at limbo with myself I have no clue of what to do next or how even. I do still PMO, did today morning severally, but it has somewhat also become like a chore to me, maybe it's because I have been too much dopamined up/doped up that I'm bored with it now. I don't even know why I have chosen to write this thread just felt like the right thing to do or maybe it’s because I think it will benefit someone here rather than my personal journal (which I do write in, sometimes, it’s pretty btw) plus this fits here. I don't think I have exhausted everything but that's all I have for now.
Bye for now.