A wake up call for me

I was just scrolling through YouTube on a chain of watching some random real life videos and this popped up. A girl who's been missing for a decade calling 911, finally free. I just felt really shocked, my heart dropped for a moment as I processed the reality of the situation.

Truthfully I was on a browsing chain on YouTube clicking on videos with girls in the thumbnail which I felt were slowly fueling some urges. But when I watched this video all of that just went out the window.

Instead I just felt a massive wave of sadness and emptiness. It felt like this just hit me real hard. 10 years of your life in someone's basement that you can never get back. My experience of school from grade 7-12 plus my 2 completed years of university is still only 8 years. These are the most recent years of mine leading up to the present that I would remember easiest and it's still 2 years short.

I wasnt sure if this would lead to a discussion, but anyone's welcome to it. I just felt like I had to share this with someone. Also wtf why did that dispatcher not even want to stay on the phone with her?? Yo let me hang up on you cos you're obviously safe right now without police there yet, fucking people.

**Possible trigger warning from here**
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I think I feel so affected by this because of my relationship with porn. I'm into bondage, restriction of power, I like seeing girls restrained and not being able to do anything. I saw the description of another video where she gets interviewed saying her and 2 others were chained and raped. I wasn't aroused at all, it just made me feel sick. And I started thinking about all the porn I watched. I have associated myself with this stuff, including rape and I'm not proud of it. What if I were to let my desires escalate and I got to this point? I thought holy shit would I ever be capable of doing this to another human being? Take away 10 years of their life because I want some stupid fantasy? And it scared me so much, I hate this so much. It's terrible that I get off to such things. Despite the fact I was already tired and now I go to bed still feeling like shit, I think a dose of reality is good once in a while. I hope this serves as a helpful reminder for anyone, mostly for me, whenever I think about going back to my stupid fantasy, I think of reality. And I think of how long 10 years feels like.

 

Thanks yeah I am someone who takes interest in fantasy or fiction like stories. I feel it's because sometimes life is boring and I like thinking about the unrealistic and impossible to spice my life up a bit. I am glad this was something that was able to make me stop and think and stick a message in my mind to help remind me of the distinction between the two. I'll be looking to toss out more of the garbage that enters my mind

 

No problem glad you're not into it anymore.

 

I look forward to the day we can wake up and feel no attachment or desire to these kinds of things