A void

I had a girlfriend...and everything was so easy. I spent less time on games & TV, started eating healthy and exercising, and quit porn for a month straight, quit smoking pot. Then she left me.

After a relapse I'm back on the wagon for a week again...trying to stick to the plan. But it's all so much harder now. Pot is back in, as it helps me sleep and reminds me that my body is hungry. I'm trying to prove that I can be a better man, but it's so much more effort now.

What's worse is the things I used to enjoy don't bring me happiness anymore, I'm not content with myself like I was before having someone else in my life. Just be be clear, the new stuff that replaced the old stuff isn't enjoyable. It's work...im willing to put the work in, and to prove I wasn't just doing it all for her. But it seems like nothing makes me content anymore unless I'm taking care of my son. Then it's easy to just be happy in the moment again. As soon as he's back with his mom, it's all work again and I find it hard to enjoy anything.

Constantly thinking of PMO as a way to feel good and sleep easier, having to remind myself constantly that I want to get better and shouldn't do it.

 

Yup, aside from self medicating with pot, I'm still trying to do all the things I was doing to better myself. It's just so much harder to do now, and what used to bring me joy doesn't anymore...or is off limits. I refuse to give up, but i need to find a way to be happy alone again.