Over the five years that I have followed the Buddha's teachings, I have often vacillated between indulgence and denial with regards to sexuality. I have spent perhaps 40% of the last three and a half years in monasteries, where I find "monk mode" becomes "easy mode". When returning home, I have always struggled to find a balanced attitude; I would try to carry on "monk mode" thinking, "I know I can do this - it was easy in the monastery" before gradually returning to my habitual worldly patterns and feeling very frustrated. I have just begun realising that my approach was born from aversion - I don't want to be a sexual being anymore. There was also an element of silabbataparamasa - clinging to rites and rituals. That is, I had the sense that simply doing "monk mode" would be beneficial and some kind of important spiritual attainment. Now, I'm relaxing and feeling out for a skillful attitude. Regular assessment of outcomes (vimamsa) is key, as what is appropriate will, of course, change over time. Aversion to sexuality seems fairly common on NoFap; has anyone here encountered this obstacle? What was the insight that allowed you to overcome it?
Could you say a little more about how you saw aversion beginning to manifest itself as you readjusted to the world outside the monastery?
Well, when sexual desire arose I would try to get rid of it, thinking "this desire is unwholesome". Personally, I find this kind of negativity very insidious, because it seems righteous.
I can relate to a lot of this. When in the monastery, monk mode is really easy. The monastery is designed to help you stay on the straight and narrow, you’re rarely alone and very rarely idle. Back home it’s much harder; Self discipline is the hardest form of discipline. I think it’s important to look at why the monastics are celibate. It’s the same reason they shave their hair and wear robes; To limit their distractions as much as they can and focus on the practice. That isn’t for everyone, it’s normally only for people who want to be monks, like I do. Most folks (Buddhists included) are happy with having a healthy sexual lifestyle, I believe. Personally, I admire celibacy. I also shave my hair because it helps me focus on what’s important. I haven’t noticed an aversion to sexuality on this site yet but it may just be a reaction to the problems people are facing with their addictions. I bet if you asked most folks, they’d tell you they want a healthy sexual relationship.
Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I think you're right; I'm just projecting my biases. I've not looked at much of the site. I have come across the "indulgence in sexual fantasies/masturbation is sinful" thing though and have fabricated the notion that it must be fairly common on NoFap. Maybe I'll actually test that notion at some point... Personally, I would need to see the results of someone's celibate practice before deciding if it were admirable (i.e. if someone were proud and conceited over it, I would not find it admirable). Yeah, the teachings never recommend Brahmacariya for laypeople, as far as I'm aware, so the Five Ps are good enough for me at the moment. There was a married couple in the Suttas who practiced "chastity" (not sure what Pali word this rendering refers to). Huh, just checked Ven. Thanissaro's translation and he gives "fidelity" with the note "Lit., Householder-celibacy". Well, since they are presented as an exemplary married couple, perhaps "householder-celibacy" is implicitly recommended for couples not interested in going forth? Not too relevant to singletons like me though... (Nakula Sutta, if anyone's interested). Good luck with your aspiration! I was turned down for postulant training when I 'aspired'... Is your signature from 12 steps? I'm often curious when a Buddhist mentions God...
And if someone was not, what are the chances you would even hear of it? It may not even make it to the Success stories forum because the person may not see it as worth mentioning.
Thank you, man. Mark Renton is a fictional character from a movie about heroin addiction called Trainspotting. That quote about God is something he says in the movie.
I suppose there are two kinds of pride: pride in reference to others (feeling holier-than-thou, puffed-up and/or big-headed) and being proud of your accomplishments on a purely personal level (the Buddha recommended we reflect on our own positive qualities, as a tool for ultimately overcoming pride and conceit). It would be a shame if someone thought their successes not worth mentioning, particularly on a site like this, when one has presumably found inspiration in the successes of others. Ah, I recognised the picture, but not the name or the quote.
Celibacy could be helpful for the lay followers who are inclined to adopt that lifestyle, but is not by any means a requisite for spiritual development. As you say, as long as we keep the five precepts (in this case, refraining from sexual misconduct) we are good There's a big spectrum of choices between overindulgence in sex to full celibacy. It's possible to be indulgent on your own (as many people in this forum who are trying to recover from addiction), or with a partner. You can also practice celibacy and remain single, or have a romantic relationship with a spiritual seeker who wants to be celibate. There are people like that. There's an interesting book written by Gabrielle Brown on that topic named 'The New Celibacy'. Let's say you are not considering celibacy for the moment and you decide to continue engaging in sex. In that case, what's the place for PMO? Does it even have a place? Last year I decided that P had to go. Regardless of my sex life, if I had a partner, etc. I decided that P is not an option. It goes in the opposite direction of my spiritual goals (putting an end to suffering).
