A session with our couples therapist

Hi! Welcome to the forum.

It's hard to give much advice about a 12 year marriage summed up in a paragraph - and I have no doubt both of you, like everyone else on the planet, have your share of problems. I'm saddened to hear about the poor sexual dynamics in your marriage. I'm about your age and I've been with my wife for about 18 years now, our marriage has also been plagued by sexual issues.

One thing I can say for sure is that while porn may not be the entirety of the problem, there is absolutely now way that it is helping anything. Yes, porn screwed up your brain just like it did mine. Yes porn leads to an endless state of dissatisfied yearning - looking at porn is like shoveling sand into the ocean.

I'm not willing to tell you that quitting porn will solve all your marital problems - but I am willing to say that it is in your personal best interest for every facet of your life to quit - whatever it takes. If nothing else - you will at least be able to get a clear look at the issues in your marriage without that pornographic haze that so obscures the higher functions of our brains.

I'm just about to hit the 90 day mark - if I can do it anyone can.

 

Welcome to the forum. Getting rid of porn from your marriage will absolutely improve your marriage. It may not solve everything but there will be improvements.

Addiction interferes with all relationships in our life because we form a relationship WITH our addiction. We nurture it, protect it, hide it, rely on it, and treasure it. My therapist called it the Mistress in my marriage. If left untreated then it can become the primary relationship in our lives. Our wives unknowingly have to compete with this invisible, intangible 'person'. It gives us the illusion of comfort and sexual satisfaction but it slowly poisons our real sex life. Eventually, we love porn more than anything else in our lives. It's good to see that you are addressing this problem before it progresses any further.

There are plenty of couples who have successfully navigated their way out of addiction. Other problems may be lying beneath the surface but going into recovery will strip off an extremely destructive layer. The path that lies ahead of you will involve a lot of hard work and discipline but recovery is possible! I hope this community can give you the information, advice, and support you need to succeed.

 

These gentlemen have hit the nail EXACTLY on the head. Porn has jacked up your brain, you are literally not able to think straight yet. But there is hope!

Move over to the 30-40 section and start a journal there. There are men here who can and will guide you. Be humble. Be diligent. Read everything you can about porn addiction. Read all if yourbrainonporn.com

Brother, you won't believe how different life will look when you cut out the porn and masturbation. Right now be kind to your wife and dig in.

Peace

 

As a SO I highly suggest you look into Karezza and focus on your wife's pleasure with you commiting to no O. When you read about Karezza it will sound boring, but it is not. You and your wife will rekindle your attachment to eachother and in turn she will start to feel safe with you sexually. Trust me.

 

You may notice a pattern here: only good can come from quitting porn. You obviously care for your wife and marriage or you wouldn't be in therapy or at this site. This is a good place to find guidance and support. I like you, am here to better my marriage of 12 years. Intimacy took a dive several years ago, about the time I started to regularly use porn as an escape. It's caused all kinds of personal issues so after several dozen attempts to quit I C came here (again). The other members have already offered you some great advice. I would only add to also read up on the SO Forum. Learning about how this stuff affects our significant others was like getting hit by a 120 v current. I had never realized how much something I thought I did in secret could affect another person.

Be strong brother.

 

Just looked up Karezza. Sex w/no orgasm!!! Definitely couldn't be my full time go-to but I like the idea of doing it every third time. Or sixth.

I do like the intimacy its supposed to encourage and being all sensual and slow. Want to try.