A long journey - trigger warning

Have been reading posts here for about a month during which time only O has been sex with wife a couple of times. We have been married for 26 yrs and she is aware of some but not all of my struggles. This could be a long post and my journey predates porn but I think it lit the fuse and took things to another level.
I grew up in a small community in the UK, very conservative and conformist. I recall the usual "comparisons" with other boys when at school and even maturbating in front of some on a school camp. This was confusing and a dirty secret since my father made no secret of his negative views of gay people.
Fast forward until I was 18 and I formed a close friendship with another guy one year younger than me. We spent lots of time together and even went on holiday overseas together. We would wrestle and get excited and sleep together sometimes clothed. We both made suggestive comments to each other at times but neither of us was able to initiate anything. I have anrecurrent memory of him straddling my chest in his underwear and thinking how easy it would be to suck him.
I felt so sad when we parted ways although for the next 15 yrs my relationships were with women. On one dry spell however, I got drunk and accepted an invitation from a much older man to go home with him. I was excited but was very much the recipient and not that interested in doing anything to him which he didn't seem to mind. The sex was oral only, he tried to finger me but I wouldn't let him.
Several more relationships with females followed until I met my wife who is the live of my life. I cannot imagine life without her.
However I have risked this happiness and I cannot work out why. The advent of the internet gave me access to text chat rooms and I soon learned that it was exciting to pretend to be a woman and get men excited as I talked dirty to them. I even called a hotline once to talk to a male voice while I masturbatory.
We had 2 kids and were happy but it felt like I had a dual life. This became more pronounced as internet speeds increased and webcamming was possible.
This was like kryptonite to me and it was very soon that I began exhibiting myself to other men on cam. I always took the role of bottom and would do disgusting things to myself while they watched, getting off on their comments and compliments. What really excited me was when they verbally abused me, calling me names etc.
This was the pattern of my behaviour for the next 20 years. I would also download grindr and talk with men, flirting with the possibility of meeting but not going through with it.
Until I did.... it was a brief and unfulfilling oral encounter that left me disgusted and ashamed. I felt so guilty and had to tell my wife. She was hurt but stood by me and we talked lots of things through including the use of porn. I couldn't bring myself to talk about cams though as I feel this would break the marriage.
After a break of about a year my cam use started again although less frequent. Again I would exhibit myself, usually my ass to others, playing with toys for their pleasure.
We moved as a family recently and have a wonderful new chapter ahead. It was this and after a long cam session that I seemed to come to my senses. I found this site and have now not MO for a month. I feel fragile but optimistic, bit know that I can't turn around such a long history easily.
So here i am, it is therapeutic to write all this and I hope it hasn't triggered anyone. Any thoughts that might help me to make sense of all this and keep my resolve would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thankyou for your thoughts. Maybe there will be a time for talking with wife, for now though it is beyond doubt that it would be the end of our relationship. Makes me shudder just thinking about it.