So I kinda wandered what I would write about today, being that I am no longer haunted by the PMO beast (Thank goodness for the battle, a worthy one on hindsight) and I no longer have any fears of who I am or why I am here (on this earth to be specific). ... So I guess this is just what it is purposed to be. A journal. So I will treat it as such, and place in daily entries about thoughts, concepts, plans & personality. This may be a way to understand myself better & perhaps help organise my thoughts and assist me to align my thoughts, emotions and consciousness. I'm dang excited about this. I am in a place in my life where I am excited and eager to get things rolling. I have abandoned my old life of PMO, drugs, drink, debauchery and aimlessness. Now, I believe in intention, that is moving towards my goal with a laser like focus and steely intelligent that would put a predator shark to shame. Amen! Don't think because you are done with PMO and anxiety that the mission is over. Oh no! There is so much work to be done! Sadly, I am forced to live everyday of my life with not only the knowledge (& images) of all the PMO I encountered seared in my memory, but also the effect of all of that (I still have vivd sex dreams and the occasional wet dream. Still feel the urge to treat women sexually). But to be honest, thats what makes this fun The fact that its dangerous. So, my intention is set lofty goals, and set off on this journey. Each moment I step forward, the past is further behind me, but there are many encuonters on this journey. Some men that are arrogant and women who are possessed. Like, I said, it should be fun but probably stressful. The first thing I intend to analyze is my purpose for this journey. 1. Where am I going? 2. What do I hope to achieve? 3. Why am I on this journey? 4. Where am I from? 5. Who am I? Before any journey, it always good to prepare, by taking hold of your map and looking at your itinerary. No doubt there will be doubts along these roads, trouble, pain, delays, distractions, deceit, extra demands and loss. There may even be companions . Whatever the case, the main attempt here is to put myself in the path of harm and out of my comfort zone, in order to travel to receive the prize that only comes at the end of the journey. All I have are my eyes, my heart, ,my wits and my words and this should suffice for me. Ill wry my way out of holes & turmoil and turn around disasters into benevolent meals. Begging when I can, praying when I have to, but all the while forever journeying west.
WHO AM I So it's safe to say this question proves very deep for me, because I identify myself as 'one of those with a story'. I remember walking on campus many years ago (possibly in a drug addled state realising I would have to tell my story one day. I had just been arrested for drug possession and was wilfully trespassing on campus grounds after being expelled in my first semester... Somehow that saddens me\ To think of all the pressure I put myself under just because I didn't know who I was. So, I was born as a safe kid, the middle child in a family of five (including my parents). My dad was fun and creative and my mum was balanced and stable, so life was pretty amazing. My Dad would do crazy-amazing things like design and build a tree house in an awesome fruit tree, where I would sit down in for hours and zone out into my imaginary world filled with superhero monkeys and Ninja turtles. My mum would bring me back to earth with deep meaningful & moralistic conversations that practically shaped my identity and enabled me to deeply and realistically respect women. My brother & sister are just awesome. It may have been my restless nature (before my more rebellious one) that helped me stumble into sex at a tender age. From what I know about myself its hard not to judge and say 'it was inevitable' but the very natural way I fell into it... crawling into my bed one night about 5 or 6 years old, rubbing my body against the sheets over & over again until I felt this flush of euphoric wave sweep over me, which Im pretty sure I got addicted to for the next few years... I wouldn't stop 'this'. It became part of my development, and it was just scandalous that a few years later I would see my first porn movie. All I remember was pressing play in my Dad's VCR and some weird stuff with naked people came on, which I immediately knew was a bad, and also knew I was going to definitely watch this, so I hid under the bed and glared with wide-eyes at the screen. I saw it all! Still I was pretty much normal, and cool at school. A little boisterous, a little savage and definetly very restless. But I didn't talk to much about things I shouldn't, and I never masturbated. But I did oogle older women, and fantasize about taking ladies to bed. Sometimes, I would go back to the old habit of rubbing against the sheets, not in the world aware of what I was doing. I only learned what semen was when I was 18 and I was like "hmm, so thats what that was!" You see when I turned 18 something in me broke. I was free and focused on serenading hot girls, and then I used to purchase porn on CD's because tbh I was growing up to become a demon. So my routine was, I would invite a girlfriend round to my home, and later drive her to place where they sold porn, pick it up and head home to watch it with her while we made out. Ultimately, I was still "a good boy". I mean my mum raised me right, but I'm pretty sure I was broken from birth. I had also started to smoke alot of marijuana back then as well. Almost about an ounce a week because I couldn't sleep. I became a rogue and i did alot of things not because my identity evoked the reasoning, but because I was easily influenced and stimulated by my senses. I was very immature and remained so for very many years until I managed to break out of the chains of PMO and drugs and crawl out like the 'Shawshank Redemption clean from the creek. But first, I put myself in those chains. I mean, I always did seek for intelligence and intellectual stimulation but over powering this was every immature boys dream which is a deep quest for conquest and power and recognition without true work. I had many friends and went to lots of parties. People knew me then, but I didn't know myself. I wasn't self aware. I wasn't conscience... I was not awake. Today, I see young men on this platform, 16, 17, 18 years old and slightly older, very self aware of who they are and what they want from life. I wish I had that back then! I wish I did, but my purpose now is to reach out to those who are void of it... Who might have entered a dark path and cannot come out. Ive been there before... I can go in and get them out, and I've learned the best part is knowing how to clean yourself up after the rough ride. The drugs got to me first, and then the sex overpowered me and pinned me down. I had gotten into so much trouble like being expelled, arrested (twice) almost deported, failing exams, becoming a recluse. I had to hide away from everyone... I had lost my identity. I didn't know who I was. Then i got addicted to PMO and committed to it everyday, sometimes up to 2 or 3 times a day (on my worst day it could be worse). Honestly, in this life i have found myself in some of the sleaziest places ever because of drugs & sex. Things I have done I am not proud of. So who am I? Really, I am a clean, neat, ambitious, smooth, charismatic, intelligent and downright safe guy. You see, sometimes we want to give to others because innately we also want to be given back too. There is this golden which is 'love & treat others the way you would like to be loved & treated', and alot of us want to focus on loving and treating others, but the truth is we don't really know how to love and treat ourselves, so how can we ever show anyone how to do it. In my belief, it is the most important part, because if you know how to love & treat yourself with respect and care, then you understand the basic essentials of what makes people (humans) happy. What I realized was I had wasted all these years being mediocre, being average, and I decided that "look, I want to be the best. I want to win. So I am gonna do everything I can to win. I want to be the earliest, the most attentive, the kindest... just literally the best." and i'm not going to stop until I win something. My advice is this, just stop! Stop wherever you are and ask yourself what do i really want in life and just write 5 things down right now. Then look at it and ask yourself can I get these 5 things this week if I really tired? No? Then what do I need to do or what do I need to stop to be able to get these 5 things. And... take your self seriously. Not in the sense of humour, but in the little things. Like if you feel like cuddling or eating out or dancing, don't just gloss over it. Take even the slightest details about yourself seriously because you will learn to know who you really are, and also how to essentially give to others which proverbially is like receiving yourself. So who am I? Right now I am words
Responsibility So let's take this back to school, when [I don't know] the teacher asks you if you had done your homework... and of course you hadn't. So she asks why? and your instinctive response is not to own it... Maybe blame it on the dog, or your little brother or just say I forgot to bring it with me... Now my point is, what if as kids, we literally owned it! I mean everything. Our actions, thoughts, words, deeds... we owned it all and came to terms that "our truth" or reality. Now this may bring discomfort or unwanted attention our way, but hey! we are just "ready" prepared to feel everything man. And I mean feel everything, for better or for worse. But as kids we don't do that. I mean we are impulsive and sensitive and sensation seeking and all that. So we avoid events that might bring us pain & discomfort and involve ourselves in pleasure seeking by all means. And this is not just basic immaturity... this is biology. I mean basically our structural, functional neurophysiological patterns are still being moulded and we still have not developed a definite identity yet that has decided to follow more moralistic values. But my point is what if we had? Well, if we had, by now, most of us by steadily allowing circumstances to take full control and patiently allowing them to play out while we remain vulnerable, aware and open in our perception of reality, would have by now started working out some of our neurophysiological muscles that enables us to accept responsibility precisely when the moment calls for it. And what is responsibility? Basically, the ability and skill to respond to events as they come along, and this requires an awareness and not necessarily a preparation, but a decided readiness to be engaged while vulnerable to the outcome. But most of us don't do that, and if you do, well then you deserve a briefcase filled with money and office on the 12th floor. But it's okay if we didn't, and it's okay if as kids we chose to have adventurous and irresponsible fun to gain experiences we can basically have for the rest of our lives. However, it is inevitable that our neuro mechanisms will develop, and time will elapse and questions will be asked of us, calling us to order. And it's probably best to respond, in order not to feel like an incapable adult, which just bring a whole lot of anxiety & insecurities. I may be loosing you here, so i'll just tell you a little story of what happened to me in my life not too long ago. Okay so i am 32 years old and Ive lived a careless, but slightly adventurous life. I have experimented with sex, drugs, parties and the fast life and a part of me yearns to slow down and make meaning of all of this. However, I just can't seem to do that, and always seem to fall back into a well of despair like Christain Bale in the Dark Knight Rises. I just can't make it out. So I'm lost right. A fairly good looking guy with no relationships, a job I cannot stand, not necessarily getting along with the people closest to me and typically always feeling like i'm always right and they are all wrong. You know... Drifting. And it all bottoms out. Like one day I just loose my whole mind and have no idea where I am. And I need spirituality man, and Christ and redemption. I need to stop doing drugs and fapping and feeling like I cannot connect with people. So I start going to this Bible study and I quit all these other unholy vices for like weeks at an end and for the first time in my life, really attempt facing my demons. And i remember, one afternoon, I show up for this Bible study class and no one is there. Just the pastor, me and this other young guy. I mean, evreyone just dammned the whole thing and its just 3 of us in there. And the young guy asks me if we should leave since we were the only two guys in there. I mean normally there about 8 of us and we go in together and all, but you can feel the reluctance in some of the guys moods, like "Oh my god! what am i doing here?" So this young guy asks if we should just leave, and for the first time in my life I felt very aware of a definite existential change within me when I made my answer. So I told him "You know bro, ever since I was a kid, I was NEVER the best at anything. I mean I participated in competitions and events, but I NEVER stood out, I never came 1st, 2nd or 3rd. Even events & games I was passionate about like football, I never came first." So I told him "... You know what bro, I want to change all of that from today. I want to be the best! I want to go in a room and be the most attentive. I want to be the most punctual, I want to have the most indepth insightful view into the topic. I want to be the best, So NO, I'm not going to leave and piss on everything I believe is right. I'm staying right here!" And I knew, when I made this comment that it would take discipline and dedication, but like I said it was an existential decisions and to hear myself say it out... well it was something I will never forget. So why I bring this up is? Well, I may read a comment and some NoFap chap may say something like "This is crazy, i'll never make it. I just give up." And it's natural, others will sympathise and some will encourage with quotes and words of pure inspiration. But having overcome PMO, there is an understanding that the only way too actually end all of this by accepting all forms of responsibility and seeing this process through and every part that comes with it. It's nothing more than making the decision to end this, and even when you feel like you aren't hitting the mark, you just adjust yourself and keep aiming, you know... showing up. It has nothing to do with anyone. It's all about YOU. So responsibility are the skills you use to attend to a situation you have already intentionally agreed to engage before hand. So be responsible, and decide for yourself why you are going to stop and believe me, the how will make itself available to you.
WHERE AM I GOING? Stop drop & roll... where have I heard that phrase before? Of course, if ever the day I should catch myself on fire I pretty much can predict my next few steps, like an ancient warrior recognises the beating drum rhythm of his hidden tribe. Familiarity is good! It is a certain type of knowledge that encompasses trust, safety and freedom. Another word for it is understanding, and that is basically planting your two feet underneath a situation. So I am pretty much unaware of the day I will catch on fire, but I'm pretty sure I know what I will do if I ever did. On my journey, I see success as the same thing. An unknown space & time when the the collision of opportunity & ability might occur and I am left with results of wealth or fame or success. Well what I dang well better start doing is developing some certain principles & steps in my subconscious that will play itself naturally out if i do ever catch a fire. My journey however is not towards success & wealth but to make an impact within my society. To harness the elements of change, stability, progress and freedom & bring balance to my world and all people in it This might sound like a load of rubbish unless you know where you are coming from, then you know ultimately where you have to go. And I am coming from a place of disappointment, confusion & pain to a place of responsibility, clarity, peace and love. Like I said a journey. But tbh, I am not the person who really is all about the talk and non of the action. As a guy (and as on who relates to the agonies & pains of failure), I actually believe in teaching out strategies & tactics and leaving behind clues & guidelines for future warriors to find faith in. Basically principles... like it was done for me. So this is for anyone who believes they ARE going to beat this PMO demon (slay it!) and they ARE going to go from there and become a positive+ impact on their loved ones, their society & their environment & they are going to do this with a consciousness, awareness & presence of a realised being (enlightened spirit). So like Snoop Dogg in the 90's, Here I go with 3 simple steps STEP 1 You want to know exactly who you are and what you truly want. Some people believe they know exactly these two things but why don't you sit down and do some work (for once in your damned life) by writing out 30 things you personally want in life & 30 things you believe you have to do to get those things. My guess is, you may discover you do not know yourself as well you thought you did. Matter of fact I predict some of you, by point7 will start making things up & by point15 all together give up and go play PS4. My advice? Stick it out, to the very end, and learn to do that, because (newsflash) slaying this demon of PMO is not a now & forever situation, It's a lifetime of potential warfare and intelligent measures in place to secure preemptive strikes before the enemy can sneak in behind the gates. So, it's a battle that requires constant consciousness, awareness & presence of mind STEP 2 Take 100% responsibility for yourself and in order to do this, you have to decide what you are not responsible for (so you don't give yourself an unnecessary anxiety attack if you can't handle everything). But whatever is within your power, do not push it on anyone. Do not let others clean up your mess for you & definetly do not try to put blame on anyone else. Now I know this message may not resonate with everyone, and might possibly piss some people off, but this is a given for anyone who wants to become successful. I mean make your own damned bed in the morning!! Clean up the chaos that is around you & being able to defeat that mentally... well... does wanders. Anything that needs to be done, prepare to be out of your comfort zone to do it. Whether it is love, relationships or reaching new heights, and for goodness sakes, face your fears... STEP 3 Face your fears at all costs. Now this sounds like fun! (And it is actually), because don't you really recount (in your memory) all the impossible things you felt you couldn't do, but ended up doing. Well, those memories tend to stick and (not only that) provide us with a sense of joy and dare I say, pride in ourselves. This is not a circumstance to be taken lightly. I mean as an adult we have become too reliant and afraid of not only our surroundings, but our inner ability. Think about when you were a child (oh! you can't right?) when you dared to try and stand up- and just kept falling with a thud on the floor. Until one day... Or how you moved from a crawl to a walk, and from a walk to a skip, to a run, to a pace that you decided to manage. That came about by pure persistence and like of inhibitions. The ability to keep on despite facing failure. Whatever happened to that!? Facing your fears is the most grown up act you can ever do. It opens doors to success through vulnerability and literally through your mentality and brain waves. Here is a little story... I was explaining to a lovely girl in a bar how important it was to face fears. Now, I could visibly see on her face, her imagination taking her right towards her own personal worst fears & overcoming her rational. She wasn't buying it... I had to practice what I preached! And so I gave her an example how it was just like deciding to sing in this bar (filled with men & a few women) because that was actually what (at that moment) I was terrified of doing. Connection... I saw her squint at me, like are you really crazy enough to do that right now!? And I did! I sang softly but clearly, promising myself that I am brave & will get through this embarrassment. Now , everyone heard me loud & clear, still I didn't notice anyone turn their head towards us. They (the drinkers) probably just Imagined I was this really bold & smooth Casanova chatting up this cute & willing chick with plans of doing the dirty later (not the case at all), but que cera. Face your fears, for at the end of that sudden attack lies success! The mind is such a powerful light that it can be stunning and blinding, rendering us immobile and at times paralysed. I challenge you to push through that fear for one reason! Anytime you feel that fear, you would train yourself that your natural response is not to freeze & flee, but to stand & surge through. It is training & it makes up the best of us. Until next time friends
