A Girl and Her Will to Survive - Maybe.

Current Mood: If I am a Stranger - Ryan Adams
https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ryanadams/ifiamastranger.html

I’ve been posting a lot and haven’t really committed to a journal (other than on the SOS forum - sometimes), so here we go. Go easy on me NoFap.

After this last cold episode from my husband, something new in me broke. I felt separate from him, from whoever he is/was/might be. He felt like a stranger. I went from feeling hopeful to hopeless, and from wanting to still be intimate (frequently) to feeling overwhelmingly protective over my body from being used. My brain can’t keep up with this yo-yo-ing of his loving support one hour and his new found harsh resentment the next.

In order to truly heal this relationship, he will need to show me he can be consistent with his shepherding and protection from his selfish self. He still feels and accepts the pull of wanting to put himself first. He still wants to point out what I do wrong when I’m feeling broken and unsafe (from what he created). I feel like I’m starting to drift further away day by day from his lack of mercy.

Doesn’t he know that I didn’t want this life? Doesn’t he know that I want to go back to watching tv without seeing commercials of people he acted out on, triggering me into another depression? I don’t like this life I didn’t know I had. I don’t like not knowing who I married. I don’t like being scared of who I thought was my soulmate.

He had me, he had my hope, he had my cheerleading when he made his sobriety victories. And now he’s ruining it.

 

Stress is so physical. The body really does keep score. I can’t believe the amount of weight and hair I’ve lost. Even when I was trying to lose this weight before disclosure, I couldn’t. It took a dramatic stressful event. Go figure.

I hope you are keeping up with self care too. Last night I gave myself a facial complete with exfoliating, mask, etc. I usually speed through my showers now since that was a major time when my H would act out (he knew how much time he had alone before I got out), and it’s triggering when he’s not in there. It was rejuvenating since I’ve been neglecting myself.

 

Current Mood: Meet Me in the Woods - Lord Huron
https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/lordhuron/meetmeinthewoods.html

How long, baby, have I been away?
Oh, it feels like ages though you say it's only days.
There ain't language for the things I've seen.
And the truth is stranger than my own worst dreams.
The truth is stranger than in all my dreams.
Oh, the darkness got a hold on me.

I have seen what the darkness does.
Said goodbye to who I was.
I ain't never been away so long.
Don't look back them days are gone.
Follow me into the endless night.
I can bring your fears to life.

This song came on sometime after my husband and I had another long talk. I had to stop what I was doing and listen to the entire thing. It reminded me of PAs and their fight. It makes me feel for them, sad for them, and angry at them at the same time. Maybe mostly sad.

After this deep talk with my husband, he broke down. If you have followed my posts before, this breaking down thing he’s been doing during our storm has never happened in our life of marriage, let alone his own life. He.does.not.cry. My empath self wants to rush back - again - and rescue both of us from our uncomfortable feelings. My guarded self reminds me that this has happened over and over before he turns cold again. I think I still need to remain guarded. The rescuer and self-protector in my mind are at constant war.

Only time will tell along with the inevitable painful wait. My guarded side is still very much awake and trying to push my heart inside of a protective box.

 

Current Mood: Hello My Old Heart - The Oh Hellos
https://open.spotify.com/track/2c62Xf5Po1YSa1N6LOjPHy

Is this a journal or a place where I put lyrics to language I can’t access or express myself... The former? Okay.

Hello my old heart. How have you been?
Are you still there inside my chest?
I've been so worried. You've been so still.
Barely beating at all

Oh, don't leave me here alone
Don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while
Oh, I don't want to be alone
I want to find a home and I want to share it with you

Hello my old heart
It's been so long since I've given you away
And every day I add another stone
To the walls I built around you to keep you safe

Oh, don't leave me here alone
Don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while
Oh, I don't want to be alone
I want to find a home and I want to share it with you

Hello my old heart. How have you been?
How is it, being locked away?
Well don't you worry, in there, you're safe
And it's true, you'll never beat
But you'll never break

Nothing lasts forever
Some things aren't meant to be
But you'll never find the answers
Until you set your old heart free

Until you set your old heart free

 

Wow. Looking back it looks like I’ve been feeling some feelings.

It’s been several days and in those days my husband has been distant and annoyed with this situation, and has also practiced great patience and grace. It’s such a rollercoaster of emotions and I’m left to my anxieties on what to expect next. The past few days have actually been okay. I have seen him retrying to be more conscious about holding his hand out to support me when I am having a hard time or when I see a heartbreaking thing that takes me back. Those feelings come on like a train and feel like I’m almost re-experiencing the situation as if it were currently happening.

For instance, yesterday I saw him sitting at the desk - reading the Bible and journaling of all things. I love that he’s doing this. ...But it was the same desk he pretended to be working from home on.... The desk he was at while he searched for things. Where he created his own P images. Where he ogled perfect people. Where he O’d to HER. I then see these clear movies of him in my head... sitting there, PMO’ing. And down the rabbit hole I go.

Having his continued support makes so much difference to help break the fall. Last night, he stepped up and spoke real reassurance I needed to hear. In that moment he felt like a man to me, like a strong man that could give me protection. It changed the outcome from flailing crazy town to deep connection.

In order for myself to heal, I know I need to continue to take my classes, reach out for support, pray, and get therapy on my own. In order for our relationship to heal, he will need to help me get over these trauma hurdles. He can’t take a back seat to it if he wants to continue our marriage. I don’t see how a relationship can heal between two people if one is not committed to doing the hard work...the excruciatingly hard work. It’s easy to fall into habits and coast on what you’re used to. It’s very hard to make the conscious effort to break those habits and reroute that neuropath. The healthy choices always seem to be harder... for him (his sobriety and empathy) and for me (my betrayal healing and forgiveness).

It’s a long road to go.

 

Per therapy - I’m supposed to write out a saftey plan (boundary list) so everything between us is clear with clear consequences. It’s hard to start for some reason. I’m having trouble with proper consequences and the ones other women sometimes use (if you do ‘x’, then you can’t sleep in the same bed with me) would send me off the deep end because the major binge times he was able to act out was when he was in another room sleeping away from me! He would use the excuse that he wanted me to be able to sleep in on weekends. How sweet. Puke. Definitely can’t do that one.

I guess I’ll write out some of the things he has been currently doing so I can go back and see them when I need some reassurance. Even if he is fighting to keep his empathy up, at least he is doing these things for his recovery. I understand they might not be permanent, but for now it’s what I need to feel safe (ha) and help work towards our relationship at the moment. The good thing for us is that he is willing.

- No tech in the bathroom
- Tech is taken by me at night
- No tv/movies (for now) of people he acted out on
- Restrictions plus Cov Eyes on phone/iPad. (Only I know pin)
- Cov eyes on laptop (also is fine with me hiding laptop, especially if I have to leave home)
- AP partner and others he can call about this
- Sees Csat as well as another therapist
- Is taking SA classes
- Deleted (fully deleted) all social media
- Let’s me check his phone/iPad whenever
- No private phone calls I don’t know about in the back room.
- No being alone in bedroom or garage with tech unless it’s for SA class or related AP phone calls.
- (Per Therapist) No fantasy, including unrealistic fantasy of him and I during intimacy since he needs to remind himself to be present and in the moment.
- Reading bible and journaling at night.
- Being open and honest even when painful (I hope).

I hate that these are the things I have to worry about now. This is the depressing and anxiety ridden life I live now. I hope he is true when he says he wants to be rid of this forever. I don’t know if I could bounce back from this again.

 

That’s the thing.. I’m not sure yet and I’m not sure what’s appropriate. We haven’t made them. Maybe if he relapses and lies about it, the consequence is that we call his older brother and he will need to pick him up for the night. His brother does not know about this situation yet and I know it would be a pretty big consequence.

I know some women have money transferred to their account to spend on whatever they want. Other husbands must sleep on the floor or couch. Or leave the house.

From what I understand, there are different consequences for different boundaries.

What are your 2 boundaries? Do you have consequences for them?

 

A polygraph is definitely on our horizon and will need to be continuous in our future. These are all good points. I guess at this moment these sort of things we have going are the bandaid that doesn’t heal the wound, but provides a certain feel of safety (kind of). In the future, I truly hope to feel comfortable with not needing most of them and having my husband choose the version he wants of himself, and the polygraph to let me know for sure. It’s just hard to take the training wheels off and let go. Will he destroy me again? Or will he be the best ever? So much anxiety.

He has been doing the dishes everyday, taking out the trash without annoyance, and even helping with cooking - with no complaining. This didn’t really happened before... especially the cooking part. If I am tired at the end of the day, he takes over. He is more present with our 3 kids. So it is good to see the little things that were not there before...

 

Yep. This is exactly my dilemma. Too light or too heavy.

What do you do with your phone when you have to leave the house and use your car to run an errand?

 

I’m kind of low again today. The ping pong feeling of him going from attentive to annoyed and closed off about my sadness/anxiety is back. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I know it’s a stage. People tell me it’s a stage. But it’s a really hard stage to go through when these feelings of seeing him like this bring me back to when he was acting out. He was annoyed with me a lot then, over stupid stuff. One time (before DDay) I laughed at the TV and repeated something that I thought was funny. He was looking at his iPad from the other couch, snapped at me and said: “You don’t have to repeat everything you hear!” That changed my mood from happy to gutted in an instant. I remember later that day I told him that he hurt my feelings, and he said: “Only you can control your own feelings.” Ug.

He still has that power. I need to figure out how to be strong within myself to not let someone have that much leverage over how I feel and how I feel about myself. It’s something I’ve carried from childhood I think.

 

Thank you... I’m going to copy this down. It makes sense and actually brought certain examples of his childhood to mind. It’s a good perspective. It might take some of the painful edge off to remember and I hope I will for next time.

(While maybe still hoping for him to change miraculously incredibly drastically....)

 

Spoiler: Talking about Mr. M’s shame. Hoping it won’t get me into too much trouble with PAs.

Sometimes I wish I could numb myself. I understand that is not healthy and basically what got our PA husbands in this predicament in the first place, but it would really be helpful at this moment. After another recent round of shutting me out and acting cold and annoyed at my inability to be miraculously cured from being traumatized, Mr. Mountain is back to working on his emotions toward me again. Working on being more patient, working on being more empathetic. It makes me want to numb myself because I can’t take this flip flopping. I reach out for the hand of hope he is extending me only to get it pulled away some other minute without warning. I don’t want to feel that heart crushing pang of here we go again. I don’t want him to be able to have that power over me.

He blames this reaction on his shame, and if I’m being honest - I don’t want to hear another #$%^@!! word about his shame as long as I &%#$& liveeee.

Is that heartless? Is there a heartless stage in grieving?

I feel like I don’t care about that word, shame, anymore. I used to care. I used to be sorrowful for him and the fact he felt this. I hated that he felt this way. But now it seems like an excuse he pulls at random for sympathy or a way to get out of hard conversations about things resulting from actions he chose to inflict on our life. I want to be able to have the talks we need to have to move on, without him woe is me-ing, oh my shame, I have to leave right now and abandon you because you are triggering my shame. So I will not sit here another second and talk about it. And he gets up and leaves no matter what I say. This feels like he is basically him choosing himself first (again) while seemingly making his shame more important than the pain he inflicted. And leaving me to fight this burden hurt, alone and by myself.

But hey. He’s great right now. Super loving.

Until who knows.