Today I became aware that sexual imagination is an important factor in my relapses. I want to give up sexual fantasies. I welcome others’ suggestions to achieve this objective. I really love reading people’s practical and technical suggestions. ------------------------- PSYCHOLOGICAL NOTE I always like to analyse my own psychology and to find out where there might be problems. I notice that one side of me wants to stick to chastity, while another side of me does not. I am not sure yet how to achieve absolute devotion to the objective of achieving absolute chastity in thought, word, and deed for 12 continuous years. I know that will is an essential element of willpower. I feel that I need to get all parts of myself devoted to the one goal I believe is important in my life, despite the fact that I acknowledge my own imperfection. I want to embrace my own imperfection, while I also want all parts of me to desire only one thing: chastity in thought, word, and deed. Since humans live in the moment, it is often hard not to give in to cravings. I want to wait, while it is so appealing to just give in, as my mind says, “Just try whether you can resist, it is ok. Nothing will happen. You can resist. You can make one exception. Just let go for a moment. Do not worry. You will not relapse if you do this or that.” I know that this way of thinking gets me into trouble, but it is my mind’s habitual way of thinking, and it is hard to change mental habits. I think that my problem is that I am overthing things too much. That is probably also the reason why I fantasise too much. I just do not know yet how to stop this. I think that if I can stop overthinking too much, while it is useful for learning new facts and studying science, I can finally experience freedom from the thoughts or fantasies that bind me to the sex desire. Sexual desire, sexual curiosity, and sexual imagination overlap for me. I think my problem is not so much physical, because I am not easily aroused. However, the problem is largely mental. Once I can get that part of myself under control – as I think that my control of the senses is much better in comparison to my control of the mind – I think that I can live like an innocent and free child again. I am open to others’ ideas, and keep in mind that I am humble monk who embraces modern technology and tries to live a healthy 100% celibate lifestyle.
I should add that a part of myself often wants to dwell on those fantasies and to give in to those fantasies, while another part of myself always tells me that this will lead to the obvious end result of a relapse, but then the urge is often so strong that I ignore that warning and tend to feel like it is alright to make the choice to live in the moment and forget that it will unfortunately result in a relapse. My mind has probably yet to learn not to take the obvious route to relapse. The end result of certain behaviours is obvious, yet one part of myself always manages to delude me into thinking that this time it will be different, this time I will not relapse if I engage in this or that behaviour, which obviously places me in a difficult situation where my urges would only increase and not become less. I know the fact that it is better to be safe than sorry, but applying such ideas is difficult. I am open to others' ideas to overcome these problems. I know that giving up lust is a life-long mission. We must not delude ourselves into believing that we can conquer lust. We can choose not to give in to urges and we can choose to learn habits to that end, but we cannot overcome our imperfect human nature. I believe that to achieve absolute celibacy I must acknowledge my own human weaknesses, acknowledge that I am vulnerable.
Lately, I've been focusing on my breath when my mind turns to sexual thoughts and memories of porn. I try to get quiet, close my eyes, and listen to the sound my breath makes when I inhale and when I exhale. Of course my mind fights this, but I just keep refocusing it as many times as I need. It has been helping me, I think. Maybe this could help you, too?
