90+ plus days sober - I need advice (edited)

Hi guys,

Little introduction. I am a 30 year old man, I've been watching porn since I found out it's exist, around when I was 14 years old. 16 years of experience in self destruction .. that's something to be proud of am I right? (joke... it's sad)

I am currently on a 90 plus days streak (second time now...) and I hope that I can stop looking porn and stop fapping for the rest of my life.

I need advice from you. I am recovering from, god knows how many symptoms I got from fapping and from watching porn, I probably have all of them. I self diagnosed myself (I know it's not fully legit) with PIED, at least that's what I think it is.

The main reason I started doing Nofap, because I am now 30 years old and I did not have a serious relationship so far. That is because I don't see myself as an attractive person and when things would go serious I know I could not perfrom well in bed because of my f****d up brain. Because of this mindset, you know .. I just decided to just do it for myself. So my goal is that I want to build up some confidence and cure myself to finally have the courage to ask someone out without thinking I am a worthless piece of man-like creature.

I always knew that I have a bad mindset, I just can't get out of it. My family and my friends could not understand too, why I am alone. Of course all of them wanted to help me, for example asked me what's the "problem" and they even introduce me to some girls, but even if I was into the girl and vica-versa, I was not been able to put effort in it. I never talked about my problems with anyone (I know that's a problem too).

So a little history lesson, so you can know me better.

I was always into girls, but I did not consider myself as a good-looking person and that always held me back from dating someone. There are probably mental-health issues that I don't want to accept but I am aware of, but let's just put that aside for now.

My first sexual experience was with a (legally) hooker when I was 25 years old (I am really very ashamed by this) I am not trying to make an excuse, but I was drunk at the time and my friends just would not let me go if I did not have sex with her. It was not a good exprience, nor a bad one, it's just happened and I was not proud of it at all. I remember I could not fully get hard and that was the first bad experience that still haunts me every time I want to have sex with someone. So that bad experience just strengthed my belief that I am incapable of having sex, so I just stick to watching porn and fapping.

Years gone by with the destruction of myself, unhealthy eating, alcohol abuse and dodging every girl when things would get serious. One day, I decided to get out this misery and develop myself. I started doing some functional training, I lost a serious amount of weight (30kgs+) and built-up some muscles. I was at my peak after 2 years of training, I did some small nofap streaks, because I recognized that it gives me more energy and mental clarity but I still fapped regularly.

I even met a single mom in my gym (10 years older than me) who was into me. But as I said I could not fight my demons and when things escalated (we made out) I just could not take that extra step to get in bed with her. She realized I was nervous so she asked if I am inexperienced or that I just don't like her that way. I said I am inexperienced (which I was really) and she told me she does not care at all, we can take things slowly.
So I don't want to go into details, but it was terrible. She was 100% prepared, she was perfect and I just could not go hard at all, she tried but I realized I'm f****d up seriously and it wont work for me. I was very ashamed by it, she tried to help me with no luck. She said that's not a problem, we can try again later, but I was sure that day, that I do not want to put myself in this situation ever again. So every time we met in the gym she asked me how was I and she dropped some indirect hints that she want's to meet me sometime.
My mind was fully corrupted by our last experience, so I just dodged every invitation and after some attempts the fire was just went out between us. Weeks later she just stopped asking about me, we still say hello if we meet, but that's it, it's ended.

So my main question is, if some has or had PIED, how do you know that you are ready for having sex? How I can just be sure, that even if I am fully attracted to the person I am with, I will not let her down and embarrass myself too? Can I test myself somehow? It's really holding me back and I am still think that I am incapable of having sex ever again.

One more thing guys, sorry if I made some grammar mistakes, English is not my main language. I could not write everything down what I am thinking, it's already messy and long enough,but I hope I could give you a hint what's going inside my head so you can help me. I was writing this monologue with the excessive urge to open *inserts the most searched porn site address here* and just dopamine the hell out my infected brain.

And last, I am glad that I'm started my Nofap journey, I feel like I'm getting that superpowers ... mental clarity, motivation, etc ... Still, there are some things that I need to work on. I am not that miserable even if I wrote so, I feel I'm breaking my schackles and becoming a better version of myself, but I am stuck at some points in my life. I am really curious about your advices and viewponts on my story.

So guys, thanks for your advices in advance and to those of you who are just reading this ... Guys you are not alone with your weaknesses, it takes time to realize that it is not the right way. This realization comes for someone later than the others, it was 16 years for me. If was able maintain this streak, you can do it too!

I assure you,

IT'S WORTH THE EFFORT!

 

Sorry Mate, it has been a long time since I visited this forum. Thank you for your answer. I'm now on a 209 days streak and I'm feeling really good. Wish you all the best in life!