90+ days of abstinence

hi, i just wanted to reflect shortly on my recovery.

am i addicted?
yes, since 2010 or so. just naively typing naked woman on the search bar. hiding from my little brother. and then escalation doing it with my phone, in my bed. around 2013 i know there's something bad about Internet addiction and try to abstain from social media use. last time i was using it the excitement was gone, and i knew i was doing something wrong.

why abstain from porn and masturbation?

1. first of all i disagree with the simple fact that people share their intimacy so easily on these sites.
2. second of all i have had a few bad pseudo breakups with girls i liked [really badly broken hearts for me]. i know i can't have an honest relationship with a lady if i have porn to hide and i know i would hide it. i just can't hide anymore i will have to share that concern at some point.
3. third of all i am attracted to women, but i feel this decade of porn overuse has made me unable to deal with my internal machinery when i see someone i appreciate. i don't think i behave how i should, but i have certainly been blind to that for at least eight years when i was dating someone but not knowing inside/viscerally/instinctually what i should do.

how? my breaker-of-bad-behaviour cocktail that no one needs but that i am using:

1. each day, one day at time remembering that i can't no longer watch porn. even if i have not to sleep in order to add another day to the counter.
2. noticing that i sexualise ladies too much on the street or at work. turn my look down if i notice that my thoughts are doing wrong things to these people. people who i should care about. not objectify.
3. bring to my consciousness bad thoughts
4. working hard on week days to have brain plasticity replace the old behaviours until i die... i mean... i don't know if i will ever be able to replace that old pattern inside my neurones, so at least i can try. i try to learn skills and work at my job. and focus on that.
5. i have three workout sessions per week to gain muscle and be tired when i go to bed on top of that. i want to sleep very well.
6. i pray the Lord to help me run the other way when that happens

how am i today?

• lonely and single and angry and frustrated because of that.
• grateful of all the great things that i learned most importantly, that it would have been impossible to be my own girlfriend, so i am less bitter and open to learn. i am grateful very much for that. really i can't emphasise this enough. younger me would have been destroyed if he had been in a wrong couple. women are people and now i know what they can be up to. no hard feelings, i have been bad well so can you! i know that now with my heart. but i am no longer consciously looking for a relationship for the sake of it.

what is next?
i. am. not. done. yet.

1. i want to use my frustration as a lever to unlock my potential that i keep tapping into.
2. i have that feeling in my belly that some ladies give me. i want to learn how to use that energy properly. because i feel the world would be better if i took action. but i also don't want to bother them. and i am afraid they will be boring. i don't like that. my goal is no longer to have a relationship... but i feel attraction and i need to be clear about what i will do about it. it could be "yes or no".
3. another day of abstinence. that's all i can handle.

thank you. have a great night people! feel free to object to anything i said.