6 Months of Monk Mode: The Good and The Bad

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Fenix Rising, Jun 30, 2019.

  1. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    As you can see from my counter it has been half a year since I've stepped on the monk mode path. I have mixed feelings when looking back. It has been far from glorious ride so far. It's more like a steep exhausting mountain climb, without sight of the top. Here are some my observations so far:

    The Good:

    1. Controlling porn and masturbation urges has become non issue -> I lost all interest in porn and have no urges to masturbate anymore. The urges to have real life sexual encounters have reemerged after being suppressed by my daily PMO binges by far too long.

    2. PIED problems are improving -> I obviously can't say if everything works fine now (monk mode), but I do get morning woods almost on daily basis now and sometimes get spontaneous semi hard erections just from thinking about having sex

    3. Gained lots of free time -> That's the obvious one coming from someone who has lost hours a day on PMO

    4. Lifestyle changes -> This one is a mixed bag. I mean all the changes I have tried to add are obviously very positive (healthy sleep, diet, exercise, socializing), BUT implementing them has not been very successful so far. Ironically I did better job at implementation in the first 3 months then in last 3 months. I atribute this to a "the bad" factors.

    5. Emotional numbness is mostly gone -> The feeling of being stoned all the time is gone



    The Bad:

    1. Depression -> I have become more and more depressed. Most of the things I do I started to perceive as a burden. Even simple things like taking care of personal higiene eating enough (I have become somewhat skinny fat) seems difficult right now. Regular exercise somewhat lifts my mood for a day, but it's like taking an aspirin for a headache but not addressing the reason why I had a headache in a first place

    2. Social Anxiety -> Social anxiety has escalated in last month, there is no doubt about it. It has gotten so bad, I'm scared of socializing with good friends, I used to love hang out with. I can't relax anymore. I have had time breathing and I'm all tense during conversations. Public places like pubs are another nightmare where I feel threatened without a reason. It's funny I have no fear going alone in forest or in the mountains without a phone, where objectively speaking there is real possibility of accidents but I'm anxious when I have to accept invitation to a drink with a friend to not look like a total asshole.

    3. Self-esteem nosedived -> My self-esteem is probably at the lowest point in my entire life at the moment. I'd say it cannot fall much lower.

    4. Insomnia -> To be precise having hard time falling asleep and having hard time waking up (oversleeping). I really tried to normalize my sleep pattern, because I can feel it's causing me physical problems and affects all areas of my life, but I was unsuccessful so far. I think part of the problem is my depressive state. Worries keep me awake at night and thought that I don't want to start another shitty day yet, keeps me from waking up

    5. Inflammation and fatigue -> Again part of depression symptoms probably. But inflammation of joints and muscles are real physical symptoms… My GP has no clue why this is happening. I didn't have this problem while on daily binge PMO regime though. Maybe because chemicals released during O also have anti inflammatory properties so it mask the problem? Who knows. I started eating fish oil (which I think helps a bit against inflammation - I feel the difference when I don't eat it for a couple of days, but it could be placebo effect) and will add Zinc supplements to the diet next week.

    6. Addiction replacement -> Time spend on the web has become problematic. I'm probably mentally developing another form of escapism related habit to keep me away from "reality" which is very bad.


    Probably not the "success" story you wanted to read. But there's no point in lying I would foremost be deceiving myself if I left negatives out. I have imagined much more positive outcome by the six months mark when I started this journey, but it is what it is. To sum it up on a more positive note, I do believe I learned a lot during current reboot process. It has enabled me to unnumb my emotions (no matter how painful they are right now), stop "running" away, hiding behind PMO curve and do some self-examination along the way. I'm thankful to be able to climb out of daily binge PMO prison and have lost desire to return, no matter the pain. Rebuilding time awaits me now. “Only in the shattering can the rebuilding occur.”

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    Last edited: Jun 30, 2019
    IR254, dboy18, goodnice 2.0 and 4 others like this.
  2. BigOne79

    BigOne79 Fapstronaut

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    FENIX, great to hear your still on monk mode path. I am now almost a full eight months. I agree with all your positives as those are the same for me as well.


    I wake up with some anxiety some mornings still thinking about my future now after stopping PMO. I never gave a lot of thought to it, marriage or family became of the PMO was suppressing it I guess. Now, I have to face those feelings and decisions which I am happy to do though now in recovery. The self-examination like you say is happening and is taking its toll on me but it needs to happen. I can’t shut out life anymore.

    I understand about the depression mood as well. I have found the same daily tasks of self improvement get boring as well but I believe I have not worked on my own self image and self confidence enough. I believe at this stage after we have gotten the PMO under control the emotional state has to be fixed now. I think this will take me well over a year for this to level out. Maybe it’s the brain that needs more time to heal and get its thought process back to real life.

    My insomnia is not bad but was waking again out of the blue a few weeks ago. PAWS symptoms came back and this was after a retreat with a whole new group of people. I think my feelings of inadequacy when socializing where coming through again. My social anxiety is getting better and starting to get easier to talk to people but needs more practice.

    I still have fatigue in the morning but I attribute this mostly to not getting enough sleep. I also need a CPAP machine some nights as well. I think more sleep will eventually help solve a lot of problems for me. I am going to focus as much as possible on health goals. I know you had the injury and I think most of that is why your feeling even more down. Hopefully your healing as come along and you can start getting more active now.

    Addiction replacement is a tough one for me as well. I try to get out of the house too much during the week because having a drink and talking with other people helps me a lot as well with my emotions. When I do better at work that also lifts my mood as well.

    Keep pushing event though it’s tough. Staying on the computer is going to drop the dopamine so do not spend hours on that. You have to get out and force that side to socialize event though it is really hard. I am out in California with a friend now and have to meet people everyday. Maybe change up the job, or get involved in something local you like.

    I think your doing a great job so far sir!! It’s common to feel down when we need to start looking for joy in other things we took for granted. IT WILL GET BETTER =)
     
  3. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man… Yes, we have to keep pushing forward no matter how hard it gets. Focusing on health goal seems like a very good idea. I'm thinking the same. Without health all the things we want to improve start to deteriorate rather quickly. At least in my case. Latin proverb Mens sana in corpore sano - "a healthy mind in a healthy body" is more important than we think. Taking care of body, mind and soul is needed to live balanced life. Easier said than done, but still, we need to keep trying.
     
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  4. BigOne79

    BigOne79 Fapstronaut

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    I know you have probably gone longer than I have monk mode. It seems like my mind is still in the PMO rut every day. I have PMO for many years and I do get libido back for short stretches but I’m waiting for the mind to get completely back to normal or specifically my arousal is normal again. It seems like my brain is stuck in that mode and I feel it too even though I haven’t PMO in eight months or edged in a few weeks now. I guess it’s just a waiting game and continuing to improve.
     
  5. KeepGoingStayStrong!

    KeepGoingStayStrong! Fapstronaut

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    guys i have a question about the anxiety part, do you guys also have this fucked up feeling in your chest and throat?
     
  6. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    8 months is great, I'm lagging 2 months behind you. Maybe you should give up on edging too. It might shorten the recovery period to get your libido back. I don't do it anymore because I used to get groin pain when I did it (That's how my previous streak ended) and it's kind of a self torture without release.
     
  7. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Not really. I used to get panic attacks (heart racing, sweating, having hard time breathing) during the night, nowdays I'm just stressed and anxious.
     
  8. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    fenix respect man! I love your introspection. Keep going

    Is this your first big streak? Because i remember feeling all of the things you described, i remember feeling depressed and super down and social anxiety while on my first long streak of 5 months.
    But THIS time, (i’m over 4 months now), I feel infinitely better
     
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  9. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man. Great to hear you're feeling good. I had a few long streak before. 2-3 around three months long and one lasting around 6 months last year.
     
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.
  10. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    hey well that’s great to hear!

    I started pmo at age 14, and stopped at age 18. So i have much less time doing it. Maybe that’s why it takes me shorter to heal, but i’m sure you will heal. I’m gonna guess that by one year mark, you will be feeling much better
     
    Fenix Rising likes this.
  11. Doupleastronaut

    Doupleastronaut Fapstronaut

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    I advise you not to fantasize about sex, it slows down recovery
     
  12. dboy18

    dboy18 Fapstronaut

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    So in terms of the bad what you saying is that the longer you abstain is the more you become depressed?
     
  13. lss465

    lss465 Fapstronaut

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    This is just great. I am on ten months hard mode and I still have not achieved this. I didn't P or M for six years.

    Could you please tell me how serious your pied was before you started monk mode?
    How do you handle monk mode when you watch movies or see women in summer? Does monk mode also mean not seeing anyone or for example kissing?
     
  14. BigOne79

    BigOne79 Fapstronaut

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    The edging was a slip up about four times the last two months. I have since stopped that now for over a month now... the problem is my masturbating over the last six years was edging ... I wonder how bad I fried myself ..
     
  15. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    bro you edged?? That really messes things up. how often did you edge in your 8 month streak
     
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  16. BigOne79

    BigOne79 Fapstronaut

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    Well, I started hard mode the 1st of November in 2018 and the first five months nothing... I was solid no PMO edging thoughts nothing. However the fantasizing as still there. The sixth month got hard, lapsed twice by looking at porn which is edging because you are still getting hard without touch. That happened twice and then the next month twice again. I finally have had it under control since first week of June but difficult. No PMO though in this world lapses.

    The thing is I edged ONLY for years, last six, because I didn’t want to O and lose semen. My recovery has been relatively not bad and I consider not totally doing O those years to it. My symptoms were bad but only for 5-6 months. I have seen some more improvement the last month now.

    I still feel like my mind is attached to the edging and I have really made strides with the fantasizing by almost completely stopping that as well. I am in flat line but seeing how natural dopamine is supposed to work in the body is crazy. It’s slowly getting better but it’s going to take some more time at least a year or over a bit to get this done. Hoping to start strong for the year anniversary.

    I have to say that retraining my mind is not so easy but I am making strides. It’s tough but you can retrain the mimd. Accountability in my group is really paying off with that as well.

    Not sure if you can relate to this or not but I have heard a lot of success stories so strong positive. No other choice ..
     
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  17. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    hey thank you mr trump.

    when you said edging i thought you meant you were masturbating but not O. But instead you mean you were just watching P but not Ming at all correct?

    Well i am 19 and never really escalated much at all in my P use, and was doing pmo for a few years. So this might be why it takes less time for me to recover

    this is my second streak over 4 months and this time around i feel healed! I did have one P slip up this streak but that was a while ago.

    Anyways you said you edged for 6 YEARS??? So you mean you didn’t M for 6 years? What about sex? Did you have any sex during this time
     
  18. Freeddom_Taker

    Freeddom_Taker Fapstronaut

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    I edged multiple times unconsciously while sleeping. When I woke up in the morning, brain fog became worse. I slapped my hands with each other saying to them: "stop touching my thing in sleep." 1 month or 2 may pass then my hands got back on the business again.
     
  19. Freeddom_Taker

    Freeddom_Taker Fapstronaut

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    Haven't you reached 500 days of pmo free if I'm not mistaken?
     
  20. BigOne79

    BigOne79 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, your very young and your body and mind will bounce back quickly.

    Well, the last six years I did PM but no O. I told myself I would PM but not loose semen so I edged to porn through PM. That’s why I probably think my symptoms during recovery did not last too long. Haven’t had a partner so no sex but BJ and HJ. I am sure during the edging there was a handful of times I couldn’t hold it in all time and O’d. Crazy as it sounds I did avoid orgasm as much as I could ...
     

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