48 Days in

I wouldn't say i was necessarily addicted to porn. But I started masturbating at 14(just turned 21). At first it started out with softcore porn/pictures but it definitely did progress to more nude stuff. Nothing crazy like choking or S&M haha. Probably masturbated on average 2-3 times a day, sometimes 4, sometimes <2. Around 19 and a half I started realizing excessive masturbation had a negative impact on confidence. But I was not convinced enough to stop it entirely. I think after a few years, your brain just finds it easy to masturbate to hot girls on the internet instead of actually putting in the effort in real life. Which was ironic because I really did want to meet girls and date/hook up. Around 20 and half i started texting/ hanging out with this girl more and more. I grew up with a chill dad, but very conservative mom. Who was pretty much against dating and sex(mainly because of her fear of me getting someone pregnant). So I didnt have the regular experiences most guys do going into middle school/ high school. My social life in high school was decent, pretty well liked/known but definitely not the best in the girl category.

Anyways, around 20 I started hanging out with this girl and liking her as i spent more time with her. But I never made a move, which eventually lead to her telling me we were better off as friends(at the time i didn't realize this was correlated to mastubartion. Fast forward a few months later, this girl and i ended up having a thing. But my lack of confidence led to very little move making( unless I had some form of alcohol in me). Even when i had the opportunity to have sex with a girl i really liked, i still continued to mastubate regularly(2-3 times a day). Once again this lack of confidence, led to the girl having platonic feelings towards me. Which makes sense, if you never make a solid move on a girl sober then she's going to lose interest.

I had a few streaks of NoFap, mostly 3-4 days, leading to me rewarding myself with masturbation. Looking back it seems silly that i wanted to masturbate so much. But I like the journey i am on now. After the girl ending things with me, I felt angry yet motivated to make a change. It took about a week and a half to actually start my nofap journey(12/29/16 was my last time masturbating).

Here's the breakdown:
Day 1-9 - Didn't really have any headaches, mainly because i was busy with winter break, a road trip, and my 21st birthday. However, I started drinking a smoothie everyday(a banana, strawberries, and blueberries). Also started going to the gym 3 times a week. Also cut back drinking a bit. Still drinking, just try to limit the types of drinks I have( avoiding sugar filled drinks like AMFs and Long Islands). I live close to the bars so i also started walking to them instead of ubering.

Day 10-17- Man the headaches started coming in and it felt awful. They would last for a few hours, sometimes making it hard to sleep. I started meditating at the beginning of January and would highly recommend it. The app Headspace is a great way to train yourself. It provides guided meditation techniques. The headaches generally would become less irritating when i went to the gym or did random breathing exercises. Around this time i also started noticing my eye contact was improving with women. I also went to a party and kissed two different girls. I've hooked up with girls in the past but its generally been after we've been alone for a some time and it's late. But for those hookups i had to basically force myself to hook up. There was no sexual energy, it was me hooking up because it was the thing a guy should do. I was Hard, but there was no internal excitement. Like I would be doing some foreplay just because I knew it was the right move/thing to do, not because it felt good internally. ANYWAYS, at this party i kissed both girls in front of people. Which is a hard thing for me to do for some reason but i have gotten better. And both times there was this level of playful excitement. I still hesitated when it came to making out but hey gotta start somewhere. I could tell both girls wanted to keep kissing.

18-25- Occasional headaches, voice has definitely gotten a bit deeper. I've started slowing down when I talk. Usually i talk very fast, still do, but overall the speed at which i talk is decreasing. Invited a girl to hangout, was too in my head to make a move but the vibe was also a bit off. She definitely wanted to hook up but i felt weird. Still a win in my book for having a girl over and chilling. Also a plus that she wanted to hook up.

26-48- Been flirting hardcore with this one girl and i'm feeling the internal excitement that comes from talking to girls and wanting to hookup. I don't know how to describe the feelings except that it's this energy which is a excitement/mischievous feeling.


I plan on continuing for atleast 90 days but hope to keeping going.

Some benefits i've seen:

Continuously observing one's posture
Eye contact(holding eye contact with women just a second longer creating that tension)
Motivation to work(in school/ gym/ job)
Better sleep( I used to wake up 2-4 times a night, now its down to 0-1)
Becomes easier to laugh off any embarrassing things one might do
Becoming less defensive when girls tease you/give you shit(this one varies based on how close you are to the girl)

 

UPDATE

Day 49- Feeling okay. Definitely ups and downs in terms of beating myself/getting into victim mentality over past mistakes with girls. But I've found that you have to FORCE yourself to keep going in whatever you are doing. You can't let yourself feel down and escape to negative thinking or just dropping everything and going to bed! Whether you're in class taking notes and feel sad, keep taking notes. If someone is trying to talk to you about school or a project or weekend plans, force yourself to put in the effort. Drink a smoothie, eat a banana, watch a comedy special. Do whatever you have to do to take your mind off negative thoughts. TRUST Me you'll see how quickly your mood will change.