47 months FLATLINE - Permanent brain damage ?

Hi guys.

I start with month 48 today and I am still in the flatline -> PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) from my PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm) addiction that I had between age 13-22. I am 27 now.

I had PAWS-reductions at month 4, 6, 18, 32, 40, 43 and 46. This means that the symptoms became weaker. I have had 3 PAWS reductions this year. I've never had so many in one year. The year is not over yet. Maybe there will be another PAWS reduction. Who knows...

No drugs, no medication, no alcohol, no porn, no sex, BUT I had 5 MO relapses in a timespan of 3 weeks between month 43 and 44. Despite these 5 MO relapses I had a PAWS reduction in month 46. The 5 MO relapses made my symptoms worse until the most recent PAWS reduction in month 46. The 5 MO relapses showed me that it's really "just" chemical imbalance in the brain and that's why I have the flatline (PAWS). Nothing can move me away from this conviction.

What led to these 5 MO-Relapses ? After 3.5 years of flatlining I was disappointed that I still had very bad symptoms and still couldn't function in society like a normal person. I wondered if it wasn't the flatline at all, but something else. I convinced myself that it was a normal depression, anxiety disorder due to trauma. I was desperate that after 3.5 years I still couldn't do a normal job and couldn't function socially. During this time I also did TRE (trauma, release, exercise) but it didn't help me. I had hoped that this would be the way out, but I was disappointed. At that time I was also under a lot of stress because I was working.

I can remember. Everything was fine until I was 12 years old. I didn't have any mental health problems. No social anxiety, no anhedonia, no depression, no brain fog. Then I started PMO when I was 13 and within about 2 weeks my personality changed completely. I went to school and it was like all the colors were gone. I had bad anhedonia, stopped talking to my classmates. I could no longer listen to the teacher in class because I had no concentration at all. I had bad brain fog. I developed social anxiety. I lost interest in my hobbies and in the world. I was lost. I became a different person. This happened within 2 weeks of PMO use. You have to imagine that I was 13 at the time and I continued with PMO until I was 22. All those symptoms I got at 13 got worse year by year.

After 47 months, I still have these symptoms: Anhedonia, almost no emotions, brain fog, social anxiety, very low energy, zero motivation, zero libido, numbness (feeling no vibration or positive emotions in the body), weak bladder and weak urine stream. My face and eyes look dull and lifeless. My voice feels weak and monotone. I have forced myself to use the Azar app several times. One person told me I looked like I was about to run amok and another asked me why I looked so sad. The face looks different in the flatline. The flatline is mysterious and scary.

I am still unemployed. I have been unemployed for most of these 47 months. I lived most of the time on unemployment benefit and my savings. I'll soon have to apply for social welfare because my savings are running out and, in the worst case, I'll have to apply for a disability pension. I have no motivation to go to work or do anything outside. I live alone and am at home all day. I'm on TikTok and play Battlefield on the computer. My brain is not working. If 1 person gave me 1 million francs right now, I wouldn't enjoy it. I would stay at home and do nothing. I wouldn't go on vacation or do anything with this money. You have to understand that my brain is damaged. I want to change my situation, but my brain just doesn't work. I want to work, but my brain just says "no why should I ? -> I don't feel any pleasure and zero motivation." I get up every morning and feel no emotions or drive to do anything. Absolutely zero motivation. I have no desire to talk to my family, friends or anyone else. I hardly feel any joy when I talk to people. My brain and my body feel numb. My brain doesn't respond to anything. I see the injured and dead Palestinian children in Gaza and I don't feel anything at all. I don't care what happens there either. I can't feel any sympathy. I think even if there was a war in my city, I wouldn't care. If I was married to one of the most beautiful women, I wouldn't be interested in having sex with her. I would sleep in my room and she would sleep in her room. That's how I describe anhedonia. It scares me that after 47 months I still can't function like a normal person.

I think there are maybe only 2 people whose flatline is as bad or worse than mine. Others are in the flatline and can still function normally, i.e. work, study, do sports, go to the gym. I am not able to do these things. I have tried to work several times, but in the end I went on sick leave at work for a long time, resigned or was made redundant.

This may sound exaggerated, but I believe that an orgasm has extreme effects on the brain. I would even say that it is similar to benzodiazepines or opioids.

The thing that keeps me going are some PAWS success stories from benzodiazepines I found on "benzobuddies" and the duration was 4-5 years. 5 years -> That's the "magic" number I'm aiming for. In addition, the PAWS reductions I have had so far are proof of healing. Even though I still can't function normally in society.

If you've read through all this, you'll understand that I'm one of the worst cases. The longest PAWS success story of benzos lasted 5 years. It can't be that it will take longer than 5 years for me. I don't think I could bear that.

The question is: Will I really be cured next year or am I permanently damaged ?

 

I am not obese, frail or skinny. I am normal. I had this month an other PAWS reduction...

 

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