Checking in- I’m feeling stable and managing my thought life more consistently, which for me is the primary gateway defences. Also, my process of bouncing the eyes is oh my second greatest defence, and I feel more stable each day as a result. Also, I stay off social media and any casual browsing completely. I only look at the Internet with intentionality, and that has been so helpful with minimal exposure to P subs.
Still doing relatively OK. I arrived at some interesting realizations this weekend: - I've read that alcohol doesn't lower your inhibitions, it creates a brain state where you can pretty much only focus on one thing, everything else is out of the picture. I know that when I drink and experience an urge I'm far more likely to act on it. Not because my inhibitions are lowered, but rather it becomes my sole focus in that moment, literally the only thing I can think about. I lose the ability to foresee the consequences of acting on the urge. - Now that I'm thinking a little more clearly, done some work with my therapist, and gained a better understanding on how my addict part works, I got to see the cycle in action. We lost a close family friend on Friday. He had a huge, positive influence on our entire family, especially my wife. It hit us pretty hard. After a few hours of sharing our grief, I went to bed and was ambushed by some pretty hard urges. The connection between emotional pain and acting out became super clear to me. I've understood this on an intellectual level for a while, but it was eye-opening to experience it directly as it was happening. - I also got see just hard the addict part works. I haven't been resentful of my wife (mostly around an affair she had about 10 years ago) for a while now. When I realized how the addict part was trying to "help" me by bringing up urges, the urges calmed down a little. As soon as urges went down, I started feeling really resentful again, which, in past, always led to acting out. My addict part was trying everything it knew to get me to act out. This week: 7 days meditation 5 days exercise 3 days consciously developing healthy habits, practicing piano and guitar
Bro, it is very hard! Don't relax yourself mentally when you get few days and keep going seriously, keep reading anti PMO material at least a month! You are a warrior and you will win. Waiting to see you breaking records! I am also not fully confident yet, my mind still tries me to trick.
I have fallen into the same trap the last few times. I am confident and fine in the morning, but I'm also exhausted/worn out from something that happened yesterday/the last couple of days, and I start to have some minor fantasies that are easily controlled, and then I start unconsciously touching, and it just gets worse and worse. On the plus side, it's a behaviour that I'm fully aware of and can now seriously focus on eliminating, but yeah it's screwed me the last couple of months. Haven't gone to the gym for 3 weeks is also a problem. Only finished being sick a week ago, but going to the gym tomorrow morning even though I'm still not 100%, should help a ton as well. Overall, I think the odds are still on my side. Still 100% committed to 180 days. (Though it seems like every time I mention I'm committed to 180 days, or I'm going for 180 days, I end up resetting within a week. Maybe I'm jinxing myself. )
Coming out of a bout of depression. It happens to me sometimes, and makes meeting my goals really very hard. What finally got me out the negative state I was in, was talking to other parents at a party my youngest child was at. Normally not something I am comfortable doing, but it had the effect of bringing me out of myself for a while, which helped. Anyway, glad to be back on track.
Checking In. Yesterday was very hard for me. Accidently looked at some trigger and it led me to psubs (can call it P too) but within couple of minutes I stopped myself. I literally felt the dopamine rush in my head, it had started to fill my brain, I could feel it may be because it was after so many days to see that much flow. Fortunately I stopped myself and it was very hard to not return to it as I was feeling that rush within me and was hard to resist to bath in dopamine. So, I am totally safe, may be I re-opened the brains fantasy path by doing that and made my journey even longer. I don't know but I am proud that I saved myself. I need to be most vigilant today and also for this week. Willpower worked this time. Willpower was stronger than the huge wave I got after peeking. But it definitely has gotten wounded so need not to give it another test, otherwise I can fall deep down again Wish me good luck, guys.
Checking in. Recovery is going well, of course not without its challenges. The challenges are again not PMO related but around life, living life without active addiction, without my familiar hiding place. Stopping PMO like stopping any addiction is in a way where the work begins, one day at a time I will keep committing to a life where using is not/cant be an option anymore.
@koalaone - Congratulations on your 60 days! You have received the 60 Day Heavy Lifter Award . Thanks for showing us how it's done!
