Day 53. Not really much to say, except I've had no urges at all for 3 weeks now. Not sure if I'm flatlining or just really well recovered, but either way feeling very good about myself.
Sometimes life seems meaningless and not worth living. Suicide thoughts are coming to my mind everyday last few days.
Depression is just one of the phases of rebooting. Find a creative hobby to distract yourself, and also to give your life a bit more meaning. Remember suicide is the quick and easy way out. So is looking at porn. Living a full and rich life requires rejecting both.
@Alex_Al !! - A big congratulations on your impressive acheivement of 1 YEAR without PMO! You are the group's 5th ever winner of the One Year "Takin' Care of Business" Briefcase !! Thanks for your participation and we wish continued success in your recovery.
You are right, but I also have other reasons. No one is there beside me. I have no one to take care of neither there is someone who would take care of me. I am just a fallen dry leaf from the tree. My parents always treated me like I am the worst person in the world. I don't know what to do. Today I feel no motivation to do anything at all. I am just thinking and looking at nowhere. I also feel sleepy. No motivation to go out either.
Great job! Hope you have a better life / mind now at least compared to a year before. Congrats! @Alex_Al
The secret is to take small, positive steps towards a better life. If you make the mistake of looking at all your problems all at once, it's easy to get overwhelmed and give up. Figure out what your overall goal is, then figure out a smaller goal that gets you in that direction. If you need to, split that goal up as well. Then take small steps towards reaching that goal. I'm currently single, and interested in finding a wife and having kids at some point. I'd like to move in that direction this year, so I do some simple things, like making my house look nicer, buying some better clothes, losing weight, etc. The idea is that your capacity for change is probably low, but the more things you do, the more you increase your capacity to do bigger things, and so on and so on, until finally you are doing major things that have massive positive impacts to yourself and those around you. Jordan Peterson does a pretty good job of explaining this: If you're continuing to feel unfocused/unmotivated in life, I'd recommend watching lots of Jordan Peterson videos, he is great at motivating, especially for guys. He does a lot of videos explaining the positive influence of responsibility, and how to develop it.
Thank you bro! These are helpful words worth pondering! Definitely it seems way harder when we look at all problems at once.
I hope you would take those suicidal thoughts very seriously, and seek psychological professional support from someone suited to your situation and background ASAP; its worth a lot. Best!
I would second that advice @livinginhell, going for counselling is exactly the right thing to do. It really worked for me in the past when I was in a similar situation. By the way, I am really happy to find that you are still with myself and @x_Nocturnalis_x after the xmas break. I wasn't able to check in for the last few weeks. This time of year can be difficult for many, so it's not a surprise that some of us are struggling. Please continue to hang in there, and do find a willing ear to share your feelings with.
I've had a bit of experience in this area before, and in general there are 3 stages: Idle thoughts. (It would be nice if I fell asleep and didn't wake up, if life was a game I would just stop playing, etc) Actively planning/researching. Actual commitment. If you get to stage 2, see a shrink immediately. No ifs, ands, or buts. Even if you never get to stage 3, being at stage 2 for any length of time will mess you up quite a lot. As @optimistic7 said, it's still a good idea to see a shrink at stage 1... there is never any downside to seeing a shrink. But regardless of what you do, make sure you are taking positive steps to avoid things getting any worse... don't just let yourself autopilot into stage 2.
@x_Nocturnalis_x @optimistic7 Thank you. Yes I am looking at it seriously. I don't know if it is called planning but I was thinking about clearing my computer and laptop off all data and personal things and also about my little bank balance! I didn't actually do it but thoughts were coming to my mind that I shouldn't leave any trace about my sufferings, addiction and also some personal chats and experiences. It was all yesterday till afternoon. But since yesterday evening I am feeling well. Today morning I again felt energy to do workout so I did workout. I felt positive during workout and wanted to push myself to limit. Just had a protein shake and came here to check in. I don't know if I should consult yet. But your support my friends is really really valuable, I feel like someone is there to listen to me. Thank you so much. Day 55. Checking in. Workout Day - 44.
Is this depression a result of recovery? I mean, if the brain is getting healed it is realizing more and more about the f**ked life I have? It is realizing that too much damage has been done so it is time to give up? or is it just tricking me to relapse by giving depression? Is it all a process of recovery?
I believe that looking at too much porn creates a kind of mental fog, that dulls a large part of your mental processes. Everything is hazy, and nothing really matters. There's a lot of apathy. Part of a reboot is that fog clearing, and seeing with more clarity the life you currently have. For me, the clarity was very positive, as I've got a lot of potential, and a lot of capacity to reach that potential, now that the fog is clearing. For you, it seems like the fog gave clarity to the fact that you are living a life that you're not happy with... and the more the clarity, the worse the depression it causes. While this clarity is painful short term, it is also necessary in order to start fixing the things around you that are messing you up right now. You can't fix what you can't see/can't muster the energy to care about. Now you can see everything, and everything hurts because you care about having a good life, because a good life is now something you deeply want to have. All this demonstrates the amazing results of your reboot. Depression is part of the reboot process, probably because of the reasons above. The depression may fade by itself, after a few days/couple of weeks. If you think positively, and work on yourself in a good direction, the depression will probably fade faster. Every step you take to making your life better will help. If the depression doesn't improve/go away, then see a shrink. "It is realizing that too much damage has been done so it is time to give up? or is it just tricking me to relapse by giving depression?" It's tricking you. Depression is similar to dopamine hunger, in that it uses your own brain against you. For NoFap, remember that you don't reset, no matter what. For depression, remember that life can always be improved, and that if you improve it enough, depression will vanish. It's that simple.
