34 days hard mode - going strong - 1st time poster

Greetings fellow fapstronauts. I’m a 42 year old married man with 3 children. I am physically in the best shape I’ve ever been in my life. But my brain! The battle wages on harder than ever.

Ultimately my goal is to have dependable sex with my wife (who I am still very attracted to). By far the biggest challenge of my adult life has been trying to suppress my love for pornography. I had a 90 day PMO streak several years ago. I honestly don’t remember how or why it all collapsed. I think still having sex with my wife while abstaining from PMO (not hard mode) might have been making me complacent.

My most recent adoption of nofap started several months ago. My streaks have been gradually building in strength. I’m much more aware of what my triggers are and have added some coping mechanisms to my arsenal. It really feels like I have life by the reigns, more so than I ever have before.

This has been the longest flatline I’ve ever had, which has made the 34 days easier than normal. But I really miss having sex with my wife. It’s difficult for me to separate desire for porn and desire for my wife. Such a difficult situation. I could never have imagined what awaited me when I was a child. It’s like “REALLY?! I’m going to have have doubts about my ability to have sex with a beautiful woman?!” Ridiculous.

I’ve been using porn as a crutch since I was 10. But I remember hiding a few clippings of sexy women in underwear from one of my moms clothes catalogs back when I was about 6. The notion of “owning” the beauty of a woman has always felt like a driving force in my life. Plus my dad was very open about his porn habit. He’d have a few “forbidden” tapes in his closet and even set aside some time for himself in “his viewing room” on weekends. So I guess that all helped set me up for a life of porn addiction. I imagine I’ll be venting more about my past in this thread in the upcoming weeks.

I’ve never had an accountability partner, I imagine it is valuable. If anyone is interested in working with me here, feeling free to message me. Thanks!

 

Thanks for the encouragement. Reading my post again, one might get the impression that I’m not struggling and that I love porn. The struggle is insanely difficult and I know that I truly despise porn. I just love the high that it can give me (unlike any natural high). Day 37. Dendrites are getting spiny - it’s getting a harder to ignore what my brain is screaming out for. But it’s going to learn a new way to exist. I’m in charge this time.