32 y/o colombian man's history. Body changes and roller-skate.

I'm not a native English speaker, and I hope to be clear.

I'm a 32 y/o man. I compulsively PMO since I was 13 y/o. I was raped at the age of 10 by a neighbor, at least once, and his 12 y/o son obligated me to have S with him, at least twice. During adolescence I MO until I caused bleeding lesions on my D. I used to MO without getting hard. At 19 y/o, I moved to another city to study and change my habits, but that didn’t occur and I MO every day, multiple times, sometimes until I was exhausted. At 22 I started psychological therapy. At 25 I fell immensely in love with my current girlfriend and stopped PMO for almost three months whereupon I suffered withdrawal with lack of sleep, sweating and tremors. Then I went back to the old habit.

My body changed, I lost weight, I began to see blurry, smell poorly, hear high-pitched whistles, and have reduced sensitivity to discern tones, my teeth shifted position, my hands and feet got thinner, my tense muscles clenched my hip and shoulders against the body with excessive stress twisting my back and ribs and my penis lost sensitivity and size. This happened first for the left half of my body (yes, my left eye..., my left nostril..., my left hand and foot, etc.), and after a few years, the same things happened to the right side (again, my right eye..., my right nostril..., etc.). When I showed my friends that my right hand was bigger than the left, we all laughed lol, but we didn't go into details The changes in left occured from 24 y/o, approx. and right changes from 29 y/o approx. They are gradual but never stop happening and are more evident when I PMO a lot. #effectsofporn

My breathing has also been affected and it is difficult for me to breathe through both nostrils which affects my sleep. Lastly, I had severe chest pains after PMO, I think from the immense anxiety the compulsion caused me, coupled with the physical effect on my heart.

I read in a nofap post that oriental culture teaches that a drop of semen is several times more valuable than a drop of blood. I understand it when I must put up with low spirits, clumsiness to speak (I stuttered for several years) and move (the stressed body is scary and stupid), the inability to think straight and make decisions, not getting out of bed, indifference for my care, that of my cat, that of the people I love, work and study. Excessive PMO is like filling yourself with mud, garbage and shit and putting it like a wall between you and the world, although the truth is that garbage inserts itself into the nerves and the brain.

I studied physics until I graduated, thanks to my family who didn't stop helping me for my rent. I've been working since I was 25 (I'm 32), and luckily I have a good job in which I can build and share interesting knowledge. For 3 years, I have exercised at least 4 times a week at least one hour (#100pushupchallenge), I sleep better, I read literature as a habit, I take care of my cat, I take care of and go out with my friends more, I am learning to roller-skate, I learnt to play chess thoughtfully, and on average I'm good-natured and cheerful. I have a girlfriend, I'm handsome and I live alone by myself. Soon I will participate in Brazil in a physics school.

But I haven't stopped PMO. I do it less often and I no longer suffer the guilt, but I try to change by filling that habit with the strength of the other habits to turn into passions, especially literature. I PMO, on average, once a week. When I get to two weeks clean, the change in my confidence is noticeable and I enjoy it, but it's not common to get to two weeks. I know that I am weak against this problem and my strategy is bad. I want to quit P, although it has offered me delicious pleasures and, if I may, “meet” interesting people in it (my favorite P is amateur and webcams). I want to quit P because it hurts me, because it takes my breath away and makes my lungs and back sick, because it tires me out and it's not a life shared with a real person. Because when I PMO I wake up at dawn. Because I don't have nocturnal erections for several days after PMO, because the volume and power of my erections is much less. Because I get clumsy in my thoughts and relationships. Because it forces me to isolate myself to recover. Because my ears get more covered and the pitch in the ear increases.

I wanted to tell you my story. I hope that what I said was clear. I would be overly happy with your assessment, considering that I am posting because I have not achieved 90 days of abstinence, and that I would surely be a better man if I finally convince myself and stop PMO.

I have questions about physical health that I would like to ask.

Thank you very much to all of you.