30 Days Done - Feeling The Benefits

I recently completed 30 days of no P and no M, for the first time, and I thought I'd document the impact it's had on my life. To note, I reset my counter afterwards, after I felt a handjob I received from my girlfriend veered too close to breaking my rules. But anyway

Quick background:

- Am 30, been M-ing since early teens. Probably not significantly less than daily
- Always been pretty socially awkward. I think I used M as a way to control urges around girls, and thus feel like it was my decision not to try (and fail) with them
- Intended to do it less when I got a girlfriend (now fiancé). Never really did. Have had DE issues for our entire relationship. Which made it harder to give up porn, as I basically preferred it.
- It escalated to fetish and transwoman quite a while ago. This caused me deep shame, and some confusion about sexuality, which I think is what led me to confess to my gf, and eventually to end up here,
- Have been on meds for anxiety since the beginning of Feb.

So, what was my strategy to get to 30 days? Well, most importantly, complete and utter commitment. Admitting my shame and the problems that PMO were causing me made me know how much I'd hate myself if I relapsed. This forum, and books such as YBOP were a huge help. After that, I don't know really, i just had things like exercise, or reading, or a game of chess, that could distract me. I've been keeping away from sexually explicit TV shows, but gradually allowing me back in.

I will say though, I appreciate my streak has been much easier to achieve than for many of you. I can have sex fairly frequently, which usually makes it easier (sometimes there's a BIG chaser effect).

Anyway, what have the impacts on my life been? Well...

1. A lot of progress with DE. I'm definitely getting sensitivity back, slowly. The DE is certainly very psychological too, so allowing myself to be fine if I don't O during sex has taken the pressure off while I heal. Sex is much more intimate now, I'm allowing myself to the in the moment with her, and I'm enjoying it so much. I wonder if there's any sex on the cards today... FOCUS!

2. Gradual improvements in self-image. I've been realising in therapy how unwilling I am to give myself credit as a good person. It's not always, but as I feel less of a pull towards porn, and more like the person I want to be, I'm certainly feeling a lot happier with who I am. One kind of self-love replacing another, I suppose...

3. Reduced irritability. One of my worst characteristics is how irritable and impatient I can be, especially with my girlfriend. I never really connected this to porn, but as porn was in part a way to avoid reliance on another person, I think it led me to be distant and irritable. We have become so much closer as a result of this.

4. Improved sleeping patterns. I would stay up too late, in part because that's my 'alone time' when I can do things like masturbate. As I now don't do that, I'm going to bed earlier. I'm not completely used to going to sleep without O-ing, but I'm getting better in that regard.

5. Getting more comfortable in my sexuality. As I become more attuned to 'real people', I'm noticing women more. And I literally can't be physically close to my girlfriend without getting an erection. HOCD still makes me deeply uncomfortable at times, but I'm trying to learn to deal with uncertainty, as long as I'm confident in my attraction to women (after all, it doesn't really matter).

So I see the first 30 days as a success story, definitely. Now want to do an even longer streak. My next goal is seeing if my fetishistic side will gradually go away over time, as this would make me far less tempted to relapse. It's hard to know if that's just me or not. I'm definitely attracted to novelty, in a general way. And long before I knew what porn was, my masturbation fantasies had escalated to me trying anything I could think of really. It's funny how much in the porn world was beyond my ability to imagine, which speaks volumes about the dangers of porn. But that's another issue.

 

Thanks. Yeah I know that. It's a long road ahead, but one that feels achievable, and that in itself feels like such a massive achievement.

 

congratulations my fellow Fapstronaut