29th, Oct, 2030

i don't know why im typing this right now, i was in my bed this moment about to sleep after reading a lot about LGBTQ. i've been struggling lately so much trying to figure out my future as a gay arab.
since i was young, i never imagined losing any of my family members. i love them to literal death especially my mum. i know they are all homophobic and they would hate me if they find out what i'm like.
i came to accept myself finally this year as a gay person. i've had happy moments a lot in my life. Porn gave me a huge part of it.
In my bed right now, my mind had to get these thoughts of me being alone or losing someone of my family, and i just wanted to say that i hope they are alive till i turn 30 years old. i will probably have been graduated and worked a little bit in my field (medicine) and that will be really enough for my life. i will commit suicide once i turn 30 years old. my brothers and sisters will probably be married, i don't know if i wil have to trick a girl into marrying me. i don't want anything from life and i can't bear the idea of losing them. i'll be dead anyways so i won't feel their sorrow for losing me.

i did not want to make this too long but if any1 wanted to know more about me there it is
https://www.trevorspace.org/forums/topic/107354-middle-east/

 

there's no way my family can know this. although i feel like they might suspect it but i can never confront them and i'm not willing to.... i had peace with myself that i MIGHT trick someone into marrying me or whatsoever in the future... though it makes me feel like i'll blame myself a lot later on.. but i realized that i'll already be dead so whatever is to happen is to happen.

 

i know they love me, but in our culture, the society has been big part of life. i do follow the rules of my society. i got taught to be only doing that. i can't blame whatever decision they take (even if killing me) up on whether they love me or not. society is like a mind controller here. so i'm sure there is nothing good to happen to me if this was ever out, which made me consolidate suiciding when i have turned at a critical age. i never think i can bare being without them, so i came to know that it's really the best decision.