24 Year old dealing with massage parlor addiction

Hello all,

Writing this feels quite odd but I have decided that it is time to reach out to others that actually understand what it is like dealing with AMP addiction - it is terrible.

A little background on myself. I have a girlfriend of 3 years (I know what I am doing is fucked up and tell myself that everyday). I am a full time student, own a business, and am active/fit with exercising, hiking, etc. I am deeply committed to the self-improvement lifestyle, educating myself, etc. and have had this mindset since I was a teen. I would say every part of my life is moving in the right direction, except this. I have no trauma growing up related to parents, relationships, drugs, etc.

A little context on my gf and I. Our relationship is great, though we are long distance dating and see each other every other week. This leads to urges much more often and I definitely did not have them as much when we were not long distance. This long distance thing should only be for another year or so. I sometimes wonder if there is anything I am "missing" from this relationship but I feel insanely lucky to have met a girl like her. When I am with her, these urges do not cross my mind for a second. It is only when I am alone, not socializing, etc.

Aside from her, I am busy 24/7 with either studying/school or my business. Although I am only 24, I have devoted this time to really build a strong foundation so that I can look back and thank myself for doing this in the future. I have been on this "grind" since I graduated high school. This has ironically, amplified my massage addition. Because I am making more money, the $80-$140 each visit does not hurt me as much (at least I tell myself that when I know it does). I remember when I first got into this cycle (back when I was 18), I would literally pay $40 max (no tip)- for the massage parlor and would lie to the lady when my massage was over and pretend like I lost my cash. Now, I still do the same thing. Not funny but yeah, I do it because I have spent close to $5000 since I have started. Even more ironic, I have been investing in stocks, personal development, growing my business, and just starting to get into real estate. I am literally the most frugal person I know yet for some reason, I do not bat an eye when I withdraw funds from the ATM to fuel this bullshit.

Fast forward 6 years from when I started this habit, it has only got worse. I really do not know what or why I am getting these intense urges, but it is seeming to overcome any part of my rational brain center. It comes out of nowhere and the sensation overtakes any other thoughts I have in the moment. It is terrible. If anyone here can relate, the process goes something like this: Go to massage parlor, tell yourself this is the last time you are going, be just fine for a few days and bam, same thing again. I have really been trying to analyze the different cues (internal/external) that potentially lead to this but what makes it worse is I can not share this with ANYONE. This has been an internal battle for far too long. I do not consider myself a depressed or lonely person, as I have a very loving family/friend group. I noticed that it usually tends to happen when I am working for extended periods of time. Instead of wanting to go take a walk/lay down, I immediately go on my phone and start trying to find reviews of the next AMP I will attend. I literally let the urge fuel me even though deep down, I know the result is just gonna be regret/

Over these past few months, I constantly bickered with myself and justified why it was okay. "I need to destress, I feel calm afterwards, blah blah blah," but I have come to accept this is a straight up addiction. What makes it worse is that EVERY single time I relapse, I feel so confident that I will never go again. This has happened probably 50 times just these last 12 months. Honestly, it is sickening and the lowest form of gratification anyone can feel. I have tried to tell myself that these workers do not want to be there/are usually just brought in from their homeland to find a job, etc. but can not understand why I am stuck in this loop.

I truly feel happiest when I go at least 3 days without wanking/going to an AMP. I literally feel high on life and the smaller things start to seem more beautiful. The longer the days pass, the better I feel. Nature, music, talking with people, everything. In those moments, I tell myself that this is what life is about. 6 days ago, I started filming myself talking about how each day felt in terms of energy levels, happiness levels, etc and just everything on my mind. No joke, my face becomes clearer, I smile more, I socialize more, everything is just fucking better. In fact, the first video I made was at one of the nicest hikes I have ever been on. Hiking is something I want to substitute this urge with and will be going again this weekend. After day 6 (today), I relapsed once again.

I understand that this sort of thing is seriously fucking my life up and anyone that is/has been in this position knows what I am talking about. When you start making excuses as to why you should go to the AMP instead of focusing on personal development, it is clear there is a problem.

I am writing this with a few things in my mind. I would love to hear anyone's experience on a situation similar to mine and what they are doing/did to resolve it. I am fucking tired of this and need to cut this vice out. I know that life is beautiful and there are so many things to look forward to but I just need this out of my life.

If anyone is going through this now or has in the past, I would love to communicate with you. If you guys have any suggestions, comments, etc., I would love to hear them. I would also be open to directly communicating anonymously off of this forum so that we can push each other to escape this.

PS: I was about to submit this post and was in the process of adding tags. I unconsciously wrote "tired of this shit" and saw that this was an actual tag someone previously posted. I say this because knowing other people are dealing with addicitions like this too makes me feel better. I do not know anyone here in real life but I know we'll get through this.

 

I will also be doing a daily update here for the next month. I know I can do this. I guarantee I will have gotten rid of this shit for life.

*Day 1 (after going a few hours ago) - Feeling numb, feel disappointed, but feel a lot better because this is the first time I have reached out to someone. I will be back here tomorrow and know I will get past this.

 

Thank you for having me!

 

Day 1 - full complete day has been ehh. Feels like every other day after relapsing but I have more optimism than usual. I catch myself feeling down/depressed the day after relapsing because my confidence drops. This time is different. I don’t feel that same guilt because I know I’m done for good. Looking forward to this exciting journey!

 

I really appreciate the advice! Self-motivation/compassion has allowed me to get this far in life and I know that in order to kick the can with this habit, it'll require the same mentality with just a little extra effort. I know I can push through with patience. Interestingly enough, I was a big vaper for 5-6 years and recently cut that out of my life (last year). My brain needed to find another substitute for stress/etc. and because I cut vaping out, I maintained the dopamine release with going to AMP's more frequently. I do agree that I need to continue finding another healthy replacement that will reward me in terms of dopamine release and so far have hiking/going out more at the top of the list. And I do agree with the GF advice too. I'd much rather put the money into something worthwhile and feel good about it. I will definitely work on connecting/doing fun activities with her. Thank you for your support truly

 

Hello! I appreciate you and commend you for your journey as well. This is something that really no one can understand unless they've gone through it. Hearing people's advice/stories helps a ton as well. I certainly agree that limiting porn exposure reduces the urges. However, scrolling through Instagram, snapchat, etc. helps revive those impulses so I also removed social media accounts along with porn/masturbating. I am learning to channel this energy into my personal/social life and will use it to build my future. The times where I would go 1-2 weeks without the parlors/porn led to my energy levels going over the roof (in a good way). Now, it's all about managing that energy and using healthy alternatives as a medium for that.

Thank you for being there and offering to be a resource. I am proud to hear you have been off the PMO/AMP cycle for the last 6 months. Really amazing work brother!

 

Absolutely brother, it is insane.

 

Day 2 - Slightly increased urges today but still feeling good about this decision. I was going to go on a hike today but will do this tomorrow instead (ended up going to the gym instead). Surprisingly, I am thinking more clearly and not dealing with the brain fog that used to occur around this time. Excited for day 3. Happy Saturday!

 

Day 3 - Went on a very nice hike this morning and noticed that I got out of bed a lot easier. Urges we're practically nonexistent but that was because I fell asleep for a few hours. I noticed I was more irritable than usual but that is also a symptom that happens around this time. Getting ready for the week and day 4!

 

Day 4 - Woke up with a headache and I am assuming it is most likely due to cutting off the medium that allowed me to get that instant hit. I had a few urges today but just lay down and tried to clear my mind. Still have a minor headache later in the day but my energy/behavior levels are starting to reach equilibrium. Usually it goes up and down but now its more stable. Everything is starting to flow smoothly and I know that these next few days are gonna be tough. Well, as they say, keep pushing forward. Also, just wanted to say thanks to everyone here for being an amazing support group. I know all of you guys are going to be proud of transforming into the 2.0 version of yourselves (if you are also just starting on your journey). For those of you still on your sober journey, keep it going!

 

Day 5 - Worked a ton today and felt good in the morning. As the day progressed, I got irritated by really small things. I am noticing that my mind is starting to think more deeply about topics related to life, school, work, etc. This could probably be because I am not going through my old habits of thinking about massages, etc. I definitely feel a lot more energetic but a lot more irritable. This phase should pass soon. Will you keep y'all posted!

 

Wow, she gave some terrible advice. To be fair, she has probably never experienced an addiction like this but still, hearing that also pisses me off.

I agree. My symptoms (especially when I quit vaping) were bad for 1-2 weeks. I am honestly seeing the urges start to fade but then randomly, it'll come super strong for a few minutes. Happened a few times today. I just force myself to sit there and ride the wave, instead of acting on it like I used to. Really screws with my head but feels good knowing I have control.

Thank you

 

Day 6 - I woke up today with a lot more motivation than usual. I am starting to add on more responsibilities while not overworking my mental health. I always wondered what else I could do to optimize my work/school life and abstaining from massage parlors/porn is definitely a major player in that. I have been able to focus more on my life and the things that truly matter. My energy levels are starting to reach equilibrium and the irritability was not as bad today. Thanks for all the support everyone!